Parent keeps messaging me about incident between our children at school

[FluentAmberScroller]

Would really appreciate some advice from other parents ❤️

I’m dealing with a bit of a friendship situation between my children and another child at school, and I’d love to hear how other parents would handle it.

Recently, the other child’s mum contacted me to say her daughter had been coming home upset and saying my children had been unkind to her. I’ve also been hearing from my children about things this child has said to them, including calling one of them rude or horrible and telling them to go away during an activity at school. One of my children spoke to a teacher about an incident, and the teacher addressed it with the other child.

Now I’ve received another message saying that one of my children told the other child that Father Christmas isn’t real. I’m going to speak to my child about this, although they still believe in Father Christmas themselves, so I suspect they may have repeated something they heard elsewhere without really thinking about it.

What I’m finding difficult is that the other parent has said she is “struggling to see how we move past this” because her daughter is only six and she wants her to believe in Father Christmas for as long as possible. I understand why she is upset, as it’s something magical for young children, and I’m not dismissing her feelings. However, I’m unsure how I’m supposed to approach this, particularly as my child still believes in Father Christmas too.

I completely understand that all children can say or do things that upset others, and I’m not suggesting my children are blameless. We teach them to be kind and respectful, but they’re still learning how to manage friendships, disagreements and their emotions.
What I’m finding difficult is that I seem to be receiving messages about different incidents quite frequently, and I don’t want this to turn into a daily back-and-forth between parents. I want to deal with things appropriately, listen to my children, and take concerns seriously, but I also feel that children need some space to learn how to navigate friendships, with guidance from parents and teachers where needed.

How would you handle this? Would you continue discussing each incident with the other parent, suggest that the teacher helps manage any issues at school, or have one calm conversation with the parent to agree on how to move forward?

I’d really appreciate hearing how others have handled similar situations, especially when both sides of the story need to be considered. I want the children to feel happy and safe at school, without the situation becoming bigger than it needs to be. ❤️

When my kids were at primary school the school had a rule that any issues between children had to be dealt with through the school, and that parents were not to contact other parents about issues. It was such a sensible rule, from both sides.

I would say to her there must be some confusion as your kids still believe in Santa, and that from now on could she please deal with any issues through the school as you don’t want to get into a discussion on he said she said.

Are you able to arrange a playdate or situation where the kids will be together and get some one to dress up as Santa?

This parent has got a long and disappointing road ahead of them of trying to make the world absolutely acceptable and agreeable for their child. Both the examples you give are what I would call just regular primary school life. By micromanaging every little thing, she is teaching her daughter that someone outside her will always swoop in to make things good for them - not a good template for real adult life.

I would just send her a friendly message saying that whilst you understand she has concerns, the best thing for her to do is to take it up with the teacher. If she persists, just reiterate that she should take it up with the school.

As regards the Santa thing, a lot of six year olds will have older siblings only too keen to burst the Santa bubble - that's just life even if it was your kids that mentioned it. I wouldn't address this with her.

My advice would be have no more communication with her at all except to tell her to only speak to the teacher & block her if necessary .If it’s in school time let the school deal with it .

I'd either ignore or block her. It's ridiculous. Tell her once and for all that these things are part of normal school life and you don't want to hear any of it.
She's setting her kid up for disasters in future if she goes on like this when they're older. It'll be cringe central.

Yes, that's true too.

My advice to OP, though, would be not to go into the response assuming all the fault is on the other child's side, and that it is all overreaction, as that can make it hard to backpedal if the teacher gets involved and feels differently.

I just think a civil response is always the better course. Just blocking I find insufferably rude and actually quite immature.

My experience as a teacher tells me most DCs learn FC isn't real in the school playground or from older siblings. Usually they find out around the age of 7.

DS1 kept the secret for DS2 but DS2 worked out the logistics when he was 6.

My DD’s best friends (twins) growing up didn’t do Father Christmas, their parents didn’t like the idea. We just talked about different beliefs and what happens in our house and she still believed (for way too long, bless her). You’re never going to build resilience in your child if this is the kind of thing you just can’t get over!

agree with the posters who say shut it down politely but firmly, do not apologise!

You need to tell her to address any concerns with school as you don't feel that your personal conversations are productive and then block her if she continues to bother you. Talk to your daughter about any behaviour that school observe but do not get sucked into mediating anything via this parent as she sounds unhinged. This is normal 6 year old stuff. They're bickering not dealing heroin FFS. It's totally normal for kids this age who are still learning social skills and managing emotions. If the school is anything like adequate they can talk to them about kindness and mediate any disagreements there and then when the kids will be much more responsive to any behaviour management. As for the Santa thing... talk to your daughter that it isn't kind and that Santa brings a lot of happiness to people etc but this is again totally normal. Kids this age will frequently share their opinions on Santa and they'll stop believing when they're ready to. Mine is in Y4 and I think she knows in her heart of hearts but she still tries to come up with excuses when the logical part of her brain tells her something doesn't add up eg noticing supermarket labels on the stuff he's bought 🤣

I've been involved in a long and protracted conversation with another parent (she contacted me) and in the end it was pointless because the school sorted it out within minutes. My DD hadn't said what her DD said she had, there was a 3rd child who had conveyed the conversation who had misunderstood or misheard what my DD said. I kept saying let's leave it to the school to sort it out but she was in quite a state.

I think all the advice to say it’s for school to address is correct.
The mum has fallen into trap of not wanting her dc to suffer any discomfort and to try and deal with it for her. But that doesn’t help her dd develop skills and resilience.
Run to mum and mum solves it isn’t a strategy.
The Father Christmas thing - Katie says he’s not real. Well what do you think? I’m sure he will be coming to our house 24th/Well I believe in the magic of Father Christmas etc. Absolutely no need to contact other mum.
I see this a lot in brownies and guides. Well meaning mums wanting dd not to have to deal with things - Katie needs to be in a group with her friend, she must share a room with her friend etc. longterm the wheels fall off as mums can’t control everything as children get older and the children haven’t learned how to navigate things in an age appropriate way.

I would send her something along the lines of:

"I really am sorry X is being upset by Y and Z. I've spoken to them. Unfortunately the reality is I'm not there in school with them so can't do anything more. You can speak to school and see if they can help? I understand the urge to scaffold and support our kids at every turn, but the reality is they are finding their own way in friendships and from time to time they might get upset by things they say to one another and that's part of how they learn xx"

I definitely sympathize with other posters saying just to block her but the reality of school politics is such that if she interprets you as being mean or rude, you could make life hard for yourself and your kids. So I reckon it's about gently shutting it down.

Further messages you can just respond with an emoji - like a thumbs up or a sad face? That's a decent way of shutting down further back and forth.

Or respond with just a politely framed 'what would you like me to do?' Because obviously you don't have a Time Machine to swoop in swat-team style and prevent your child from saying they heard Santa isn't real.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.

She needs to grow up. This woman isn’t your friend, doesn’t talk to you and obtained your number specifically to contact you off group. Obviously you need to stop indulging this woman and just block/ignore her. If you don’t, it’s never going to end. She will be constantly texting you bellyaching about trivial silly little things.

My DD told her primary 1 class (Scotland so some would have been 4 still) that FC wasn’t real. She figured it out herself and compared it to playing hunting dragons when we walked through the woods. I did tell her that some children hadn’t figured out it was a game yet and to not spoil the fun but she was 5.

I would have been incredibly cross is she was told off for telling the truth. And as for the parent who told their child the FC didn’t bring the other child presents as they are on the naughty lists, words fail me. That is a disgusting thing to say.

I’d message back and say you find the Santa thing strange as your child still believes in Santa.

id also be telling her that issues that happen in school should be addressed with the teacher rather than constant messaging you as children will be children and are friends one day and not the next and that her child is no angel either!

Hi Loony Parent, X & Y are still believers so I don’t know if there’s a mixup. I’ve let Mrs Teacher know there seem to be to be some issues, she is best placed to deal with it and communication on school matters should go through her. All the best, Fluent.
if you are at school this afternoon chat to teacher at pick up or just send a light email detailing the above and saying you’d rather Loony parent spoke with her direct. If Loony parent persists you can block her (but it’s quite an aggressive move imho).

I'd talk to the teacher about it. And then I'd tell the other parent she needs to speak to the school about incidents happening in school.

It's inappropriate to contact you directly about it.

I had this last year with a parent. In the end, the headteacher had to get involved and actively told the other parent not to contact me. And STILL this other parent tries to engage with me about stuff.

In school issues are dealt with by the school. Always.

Speak to the teacher and see if they can enlighten you as to what's really going on. Then I would ignore the other mum and let the school handle things happening at school. She sounds like she is overly involved in the children's friendship, she is probably worried about her child but it's a bit much to be texting you about things that are supposedly happening outside of your control.

I’m in “the get the school to deal with it club”
my kids are in their 30s and we didn’t have this WhatsApp nonsense and private messaging then . If my kid was really upset about another child being mean . I would speak to the teacher not the parent. Tbh most parents think their kids are angels and either defend them or make excuses.

Having dealt with a similar pysco overinvolved parent I would advise that you don't get sucked into unpicking every little allegation and defending your child OP. I would just tell her very bluntly that the school needs to manage these issues and not get sucked into anything else. Most parents know that it's an unwritten rule that you don't do this to other parents. If you're friendly with each other then it's fine to write a friendly message 'just so you know this is what my child is telling me is going on' but if it's persistent or if she's expecting you to be judge jury and executioner about something that may or may not have happened during school hours then this isn't appropriate. If she doesn't leave you alone then I'd warn her that this is harrasment and speak to the school. I had a similar parent cause trouble for me and eventually I had to speak to the school as she clearly held a massive grudge against my dd so it became a safeguarding concern for my dd. The school did take it seriously. This mum has done similar to almost every girl in the class and is never going to change or be reasoned with. Do not feed the crazy!

I would deflect each message. Say

School issues should be raised with the school, I will support any actions I need to take with my children as directed by the teacher. Please can you communicate with them
Thank you

I would txt her back and say ‘I am feeling uncomfortable about these txts you have been sending me, I have spoken to my children and they also tell me your child has been unkind to them so it’s difficult to understand exactly what is going on. I suggest from now any school issues go through the school and if I need to get involved I will otherwise I would appreciate if you stopped directly contacting me’.

My ds announced to my friends child that Santa isn't real. They were horrified but did not show any negativity towards us. They found some online video of someone with evidence of cctv catching Santa and that was the end of it. We were embarrassed of course but DS was older and just found out and despite being warned to keep his mouth shut he couldn't. They were friends so wouldn't have wanted to damage the friendship but still I feel they handed it with maturity.

I think maybe ask for a one off phone conversation or chat at the gates and at the end of it say there is no need to message anymore. One of the most important things to learn as a child is how to stand up for themselves and negotiate and argue where necessary. Adults don't need to intervene unless it's very serious or a bullying situation. Plus kids lie all the time. I think she's being ridiculous but at the same time you need to investigate to make sure it isn't a bullying situation. This is why I think she deserves one meeting. I had to do similar once. If you are happy it's just regular kids stuff then tell her so kindly and then don't reply again or block her.

I had a parent pissed off at my child for saying Santa wasn’t real. My child had heard it from another kid who’s older sibling had told them. It happens, you either double down and try to rescue it (Santa only delivers presents to believers) or just come clean.

I took great pleasure in telling that parent a few days later that I’d heard their child had gone on to tell more children so had “ruined their childhoods” too! 😂