Parent keeps messaging me about incident between our children at school

[FluentAmberScroller]

Would really appreciate some advice from other parents ❤️

I’m dealing with a bit of a friendship situation between my children and another child at school, and I’d love to hear how other parents would handle it.

Recently, the other child’s mum contacted me to say her daughter had been coming home upset and saying my children had been unkind to her. I’ve also been hearing from my children about things this child has said to them, including calling one of them rude or horrible and telling them to go away during an activity at school. One of my children spoke to a teacher about an incident, and the teacher addressed it with the other child.

Now I’ve received another message saying that one of my children told the other child that Father Christmas isn’t real. I’m going to speak to my child about this, although they still believe in Father Christmas themselves, so I suspect they may have repeated something they heard elsewhere without really thinking about it.

What I’m finding difficult is that the other parent has said she is “struggling to see how we move past this” because her daughter is only six and she wants her to believe in Father Christmas for as long as possible. I understand why she is upset, as it’s something magical for young children, and I’m not dismissing her feelings. However, I’m unsure how I’m supposed to approach this, particularly as my child still believes in Father Christmas too.

I completely understand that all children can say or do things that upset others, and I’m not suggesting my children are blameless. We teach them to be kind and respectful, but they’re still learning how to manage friendships, disagreements and their emotions.
What I’m finding difficult is that I seem to be receiving messages about different incidents quite frequently, and I don’t want this to turn into a daily back-and-forth between parents. I want to deal with things appropriately, listen to my children, and take concerns seriously, but I also feel that children need some space to learn how to navigate friendships, with guidance from parents and teachers where needed.

How would you handle this? Would you continue discussing each incident with the other parent, suggest that the teacher helps manage any issues at school, or have one calm conversation with the parent to agree on how to move forward?

I’d really appreciate hearing how others have handled similar situations, especially when both sides of the story need to be considered. I want the children to feel happy and safe at school, without the situation becoming bigger than it needs to be. ❤️

We had issues with a boy being unkind to my daughter and told her FC wasn’t real and that parents bought the presents. I just told her his parents have to buy his presents because he is on the naughty list so FC won’t. That’s bought us a few more years.

I would never have dreamed to contact the parent about it, very dramatic of the other parent and she is going to have years of pain if this sort of thing warrants that response.

She Sounds super annoying but it might sound to her as if her child is being bullied by your 2. Even the things her child has said to yours “go away” and “you’re rude” , suggest that they’re being mean and in her personal space. That might not be the case but it was the first thing that sprung to mind.
I would definitely have a strong word with your dc to remind them to stay away from this girl if they are not friends and to just be polite. Explain to them why it’s a bit mean to say Santa isn’t real and then speak to the teacher about the constant messages and ask them to keep an eye.

Just to add. I understand where PP are coming from in saying that it should be dealt with in school. But the thing is , teachers and school staff miss things and don’t have time. The only notification I ever received from school regarding friendships and bullying was to say my child had been bitten. Parents aren’t always notified until something really bad happens either to or by their child and really it is parents responsibility to make sure their children grow up to be kind.

It always makes me laugh how children are encouraged to tell the truth EXCEPT about Father Christmas, which they're encouraged to lie shamelessly about. If I were you, I'd say "If you have a concern about something that occcured in school, please discuss with the teacher."

I’d just reply politely to say … I you appreciate you want to help and support you child, as we all do. However, I think it’s important to allow the kids to navigate the usual ups and downs of friendships themselves, as developing social skills and learning to resolve disagreements is a big part of being at primary school. If there’s a serious concern, or something that becomes a pattern, I think it’s best discussed with the teacher. I’d prefer that we leave the smaller, everyday issues for the kids to work through rather than messaging each other about them.

If she continues to message just don’t read the messages.

She should be addressing this with the school not you directly.

I would not reply to her and would ignore any further messages.

As a teacher, it gets really annoying when parents contact the school to say a parent has messaged them privately. Sadly we cannot speak to the other parent about that but can address any issues that arise in school.

‘Thank you for letting me know’ or totally ignore.

I wish parents would stay out of their children's friendship issues. Their interference only ever makes things worse.

Bullying of course is a different matter, but not everything which makes a child feel sad or rejected is bullying. Sounds like the other mother is believing everything her child tells her and taking it all very personally.

I’d shut this down right away if I were you - I had similar when my DS was young with a school mum who I was on chatting terms with at the school gate. She got a bee in her bonnet about a falling out between my DS and hers and after messaging me heavily about it and me trying to bat it off turned to Facebook to vent her wrath about my then 6 year old. I had to block her on everything and speak to the school in the end - it was awful.

Two sides of every story and possibly the third/ truth

But when parents get involved it all goes to pot. They will fall out whilst the kids happily play together as they have become friends

She sounds like the type which child is perfect so they will never hear anything

So silence or block.

From experience these type are too much drama.

“Sorry to hear this, thank you for letting me know.” Every time, but nothing else. Don’t engage in discussion. If she pushes, just “we’ll discuss it as a family.”

This is a good response. Keep it brief and don't engage on the details.
Ask your DC to keep away from this girl

What happens in school stays in school. Don’t engage with her.

I was teaching a Y1 class when a boy decided to tell the whole class that Father Christmas was your mum and dad. I tried to move on quickly, when another child helpfully added that every time you open a door on your advent calendar an elf dies.

Thing is, you could see most children in the room knew the truth. They just ignored it - because, à la X files, they want to believe.

And for anybody wanting to criticise the boy - he was just stating a fact, in response to the teacher asking the class what they knew about Christmas. He was a nice boy. But where the dead elves came from I’ll never know.

I spoke to DD's friend's DM about the Father Christmas issue because her friend is almost a year older than her, she's nearly 8 whereas DD is 6 going on 7 so it did feel like a shame for the friend to be going around saying to the other kids that he's not real when the magic could continue for a bit longer! This mum is a friend of mine though. She didn't love being spoken to about it but sometimes we have to deal with our kids doing less than ideal things even if they're not too serious, and deal with them. It is slightly different as you aren't friends with this woman though and it feels like she's contacting you about too often.

You could try calmly messaging/saying in person something like ‘I think it’s for the best that we don’t keep talking about this over message, as neither of us were there, but continue to speak to the class teacher as and when either of us needs to, and trust that the school and the children themselves will sort out what happens there.’

I wouldn’t like another parent continually messaging me either, and I don’t do it myself, I speak to the class teacher or someone more senior if need be.

If the school is concerned by behaviour they will reach out directly. If they have not done so then you don't need to know, it is normal growing up stuff. I would point that out to the other parent and probably block/delete.
And can you adjust your security setting so that random group members can't just add you?

I actually wrote a very similar post to this a year ago (under a different name, I think).
My Daughter is the exact same age as yours as well.

I knew that my Daughter wasn’t horrible, but I went to the teacher anyway and asked if there were any issues because I’d been receiving all of these messages. The teacher confirmed there was no issue. I told the Mum I’d spoken with the teacher and that she should go through school if she felt there were any issues because school had told me otherwise. I then blocked her number.

This x

"Stop texting me."

Why I hate group chats 🙈

I can tell you how I would handle this, I would write something like, ‘I’m so sorry to hear there continues to be friendship problems between our children. I will once again talk to them and reinforce the importance of kindness and tolerance. May I ask that you take all of your concerns to the school going forward, as they are best placed, and well trained to mediate and will have a clearer idea of the circumstances around the situations you describe. Best Wishes FluentAmber.’ Then block her number and never reply to her again. If she tries to talk to you in real life reaffirm your written message and signpost her back to the school.

Parents do not help by being so overinvolved. Children do need to negotiate friendships and social situations independently.
Children say all sorts of things to each other
Sometimes kids don't get on and are not friends. That's human life as we all know it.
Bullying is different of course but this doesn't sound like bullying. If the parent is worried she could have a chat with the teacher.
I would block this parent OP , I can't see how you further communicating with her will help. Send her one more polite message and move on.

Father Christmas is not real???!!! 😱😱😱

I would just reply as above that you will let school deal with any issues and that your children still believe so could be crossed wires"

What I would be a little cautious about is when you say yout twins stick up for each other. This is nice and supportive but in some situations when there is a 1 on 1 conversation and rhe other twin comes over and tells someone they are rude and to go away it changes the dynamic
It could be worth a chat about when that is appropriate and when do they deal with things on their own