Sensitive subject, need advice

[Sambesi]

DS is in Y2 and we are aware of a child in his class that is to be referred to by they/them pronouns. We didn’t think much into it until recently when DS asked why this child is allowed to use both toilets at school and switch between uniforms (summer dress and trainers and jumper). DS proceeded to tell me that he is not sure whether this child is a boy or a girl but whenever he says she or he about the child, the child gets upset and shouts back, I am not a he or a she I am they and them. DS is incredibly confused and I am not really happy about it. I would like to talk to the school about it but am unsure of where to start with it all. We were not expecting this at this age, but appreciate the world is changing and it is something we have to consider. For now I responded with “imagine you have a circle around you, well, what’s going on in that child’s circle has nothing to do with you personally, you focus on what’s going on in your own circle, be kind and talk to mum and daddy about anything you’re confused about”. The problem is I am just as confused about it!

You say
"Timmy is a boy, but he's very confused. He prefers to be called they/them and it costs us nothing to do that, but accidents happen sometimes and if he screams at you, you must tell the teacher because you're not in school to be abused."
Then you approach the school about inappropriate toilet usage and discuss with them how a 6 year old child is not responsible for managing another 6 year old child's identity crisis and they need to intervene appropriately to ensure that your child isn't being treated unfairly in school.

Is the child a boy or a girl OP? The uniform is irrelevant to your child so just tell him not to judge on that one, girls can obviously wear trainers and jumpers anyway

Honestly I'd just tell your DS to avoid talking about this child if they are so sensitive. With really sensitive people that you don't know how to handle it can be more trouble than it's worth. Focus on other people.

Read this thread, useful except the derailment Teacher upset with my child questioning about trans child | Mumsnet

• your child should not be in trouble for using correct pronouns (once you know what they are)
• child needs to use correct toilet for their sex
• child can wear whatever uniform they want

A starting point could be: My DC has reported that child A uses both the girls and boys toilets. My understanding is guidance is clear now that they are meant to use the correct ones for their sex. Please confirm that my child is not sharing toilets with opposite sex.

How about telling your child that doing things that make others comfortable and cost us nothing is a kind way to act? It does not matter which uniform or pronouns the child uses.

That doesn’t mean it’s ok for OPs child to be shouted at when they make a mistake, obviously

No it doesn't. The shouting needs to be dealt with but is a separate issue to the use of different pronouns.

But it does matter.

Pronouns use : The child is asking the DC to mangle basic grammar to suit them. This isn't 'kind' asking them to mess around with their understanding of language just as they are learning it, especially for any children in the class with SEN / processing issues.

Uniform: Agree not an issue

Toilets: Not at all 'kind' on the occasions the child is using opposite sex toilets. It means the children who think they are in single sex toilets are not. From Juniors there have to be single sex toilets, so not 'kind' on the child either to let them think they can choose when from next academic year they will have to use the correct ones.

Much more kind for the parents to explain to their child that they are a boy/girl (whichever is true) but that needn't restrict their personality or interests.

The toilets also need to be dealt with if they are single sex toilets. OPs child doesn’t need treating like they have done something wrong here

Y2? As in 6 year olds?? I’m dumbfounded!!! My boys are in Yr 1 and 2 and they’re sooooo young for this to even be a thing!!

We were dumbfounded too to be honest, kids this young should not be stressing about correcting others about their pronouns and my child should not be stressed/upset about “getting it wrong” when he doesn’t even understand it. Adults can’t even agree about this. He’s a by the rules kind of kid, hence why I suspect he is trying to understand it and questioning what did “wrong”. The child was born a boy, the parents are both non binary and often correct their child on the school run when they refer to any other child by he or she.