DS keeps eating things he’s allergic to at school and I don’t know what to do

[OneAmberZebra]

DS is 14 and in year 10. He has an egg allergy which we’ve known about for years and school have all his allergy info. He’s had a few reactions at school now after eating things he shouldn’t have and I’m starting to wonder if he’s doing it on purpose.

The first time he said he’d eaten something another boy had given him and hadn’t realised. Fair enough, I wasn’t happy but he’s 14 and I can see how it happened. Then he bought a snack without checking it properly and was sick again. Today school rang me because he’d eaten something with egg in and had a reaction. They’ve said they’re getting concerned now because its happened several times and they don’t think its just carelessness any more.

They haven’t actually said he is doing it to get sent home but they did ask if I thought there was a reason he might be deliberately putting himself at risk. But he’s known about it for years and we check everything at home. School have his plan and know what to do if he reacts.

He has been a bit funny about school lately. Moaning about certain lessons and saying he can’t be bothered with it all. Nothing specific though and he hasn’t told me anything is going on. When I’ve collected him after these incidents he’s seemed quite happy to be home, which is what has got me thinking. He isn’t exactly upset about missing the rest of the school day.

I asked him tonight why he keeps eating things he knows he can’t have and he got really annoyed with me. Said it was an accident and I was making out he was stupid. I said I wasn’t calling him stupid but he can’t keep doing this because next time he could have a much worse reaction. He just said I didn’t believe him and went upstairs.

DP thinks he’s old enough to know better and if he’s doing it deliberately then he needs consequences. I’m not sure how you even punish something like this when I don’t know for certain what he’s doing or why. His dad thinks I’m overthinking it as usual but he’s not the one dealing with the school calls.

School want a meeting with me this week. I’m going to ask if they’ve noticed anything else going on but I don’t really know what else to do. Do I push DS to tell me the truth or leave it for now and see what school say? I’m worried about the allergy obviously but also wondering why he’d risk making himself ill just to get out of school if that’s what he’s doing.

Can you give him packed lunches and tell the school he's not allowed to buy their stuff anymore?
Ridiculous that he's doing this for whatever reason, he could die if it was more severe!

I'd suggest a long drive. It's easier to get young people to talk about difficult things when you're sitting alongside them in a car and looking at the road, somehow.

If he's self-sabotaging to avoid school, there's clearly something going on. Whether consciously or unconsciously, he is risking his health in order to avoid something. Or possibly he's using it as a self harm because he's upset about something.

I have a dairy intolerance.

it fucking pisses me off and sometimes I eat dairy even though I know I shouldn’t and that I’ll suffer for it because I fucking love cheese.

teens are not known for their self control, small children generally can’t stick to exclusion diets because they don’t know and teens can’t because they just want to eat stuff and don’t have impulse control.

very common with diabetes as well.

no advice sorry.

If you feel he is doing this to dodge being in school and especially because he is in year 10 I would be telling him that if you collect him and he comes home he will be not be allowed on tech.

He is risking his health. I would also be talking to him about year 10 anyway. The school will absolutely be doing the whole this year is so important for GCSEs speech so you also need to talk to him about his post 16 plans. Show him options for sixth forms, look at entry grades. He needs to understand that he may not like these lessons but he needs to do well in them as you won't be funding him forever. Tell him you want the best for him and will support him.

@Octavia64 my sister gets an upset stomach if she eats certain foods and times it so she has the shits over a weekend still enjoys the food despite the consequences.

Is he being bullied into eating the foods with allergens?

Could you take him to A&E afterwards just to check him over obviously? I know I would be criticized for suggesting it but a few hours in A&E might cool his desire to leave school?
Just don’t tell him that it’s very serious…

What does a reaction look like for him? Could he be safely medicated and then observed in the medical room before returning to class? Does he have to go home? That might identify whether he is trying to get out of school or not.

If he's trying to get out of school, that's the focus and solving that will solve the egg issue. If he isn't, then it's the food that needs to be addressed.

I too would be thinking he’s doing this to get out of school. Kids with allergies from young ages know. The solution is to get to the bottom of why he’s avoiding school. “Can’t b bothered with it all” wouldn’t fly in my house (I have a DS with multiple allergies, but anaphylaxis sorts, not “feeling sick” ones). I don’t know what sort of school he goes to or what sort of home life he has but if he’s struggling or demotivated, that’s the thing to tackle. Not the eggs.

It varies a bit, he gets itching or swelling of his lip, stomach pain and is usually sick once or a few times depending on how much he’s eaten.

I hadn’t really thought about whether he could stay in school after, I’ve just been going along with what they say when they ring me. I will ask at the meeting what their procedure is and whether he has to come home every time but I don’t know if they’d be too happy to take any chances with it.

I do agree if he’s doing it to just get out of school then thats what needs sorting out, but I don’t know if it’s as simple as that. It could just be because he’s 14 and would rather be at home than in lessons I suppose, but I just don’t understand why he’d risk a proper reaction over it.

People do irrational things. It might be a combination of finding school tricky, wanting to eat the yummy looking thing, and underestimating the potential consequences of allergic reactions.

Is there a pattern in terms of which days he's done this on, or at what time of day on a particular day?

I have ASD (adult diagnosis but clearly was different as a child). I managed to make a scraped knee last weeks because it meant I got to sit outside the nurses office instead of going out to play. I wasn't lying. It was gummy and horrible, but I certainly wasn't going to do anything that would speed up the healing!

I agree with the PP who said send him with a packed lunch and ban him from purchasing foods. If it’s like schools round here then it is all based on an electronic account that parent tops up. If he doesn’t have any money, he can’t buy anything.

Tell him you’ll give him another chance in 3-6 months.

What happened when he comes home sick from school. Llopign around tbr house on screens? Maybe make it really unappealing?

School will absolutely not want a pupil having an allergic reaction going ack to class. Ludicrous suggestion.

I don’t think lip swelling can be ignored or risked. Isn’t it a warning of potential anaphylaxis?

I mean, given that he will do it again, I’d ask the school to give him antihistamine and keep him in isolation instead of sending him home. That may interrupt the cycle.

It feels risky, but presumably it’s no riskier than you getting him- as long as he is medicated and closely supervised from the moment he starts to react.

I’d be agreeing with the school no more pick ups. 999 and notify you if the reaction is severe, otherwise stay in school/the sick bay for the rest of the day.

I agree with this take - 14yo is a prime age for wanting to be like your mates. If he's offered something, is it possible he feels embarrassed to say he's allergic and just hopes it will be ok. Like a sort of denial about the allergy?

It may also be that he's really not aware of what things have eggs in. Like an egg sandwich is obvious, but a cupcake or brioche bread or someone else's protein shake he might genuinely not know. He might be just hoping for the best - either because it doesn't cross his mind (why would bread have eggs?), or because he's embarrassed to be seen really studying the ingredients list on the back of the package/asking about the ingredients in front of his mates.

It’s surprisingly hard to read every label every time. (This is especially true if you have rare allergies and middle aged eyes, but that doesn’t apply to your ds.) I use an app to help. I can scan labels and it gives me likelihood score of my allergens being present. I’m not in the uk so I can’t recommend one, but if his problem is the hassle of checking, it might be a solution.

I grew up with lots of allergies and eczema and hated feeling any different. I wonder if he just wants to eat what he fancies eating, and sees his friends eating. Most people with allergies just get fed up of being ‘defined’ by them and people talking about them.

I assume from what you’ve written that he doesn’t have an Epi-pen? In which case, a reaction is annoying, but not life threatening. Sometimes, yes, allergic reactions can intensify but they can also lessen over time (mine did). Taking him to A&E after consuming egg as a demonstration of how serious it is, is just a ridiculous suggestion and a waste of NHS valuable time.

I’d stop asking him if anything is wrong in school but obviously attend the meeting.

As a temporary measure, could you ask the school to provide work for when he's at home? Perhaps some past papers. Coming home to do a 3 hr GCSE paper in silence with no access to tech whilst still feeling quite nauseous might help him be less cavalier in future.

Our school have a system that means they simply can't buy the food they are allergic to. The tills are linked to their details and their allergies are recorded

14 is the peak age for them to feel embarrassed to check properly,- they feel very self conscious.

For now I would give him a small list of things he is allowed to order and if he doesn't stick to it he will have to bring in food from home.

Also speak to allergy clinic. They do special sessions for teens at my children's clinic where they make sure they deal with anxieties/risk taking

If diarrhea isn't one of his sympoms you can tell him that it may strike suddenly and he will shit himself in front of his mates if he doesn't keep away from his forbidden food.

Allergies are hard enough without telling him this sort of thing.

Packed lunch & snacks to be taken into school

This isn’t naughty behaviour that needs punishing. He’s had his whole life feeling different and restricted. He’s a teen now and it’s rebellion. Maybe he needs to
let it alll out.

That will bring anxiety into the mix and is unfounded. Not ideal advice.