Sometimes I wish I’d waited longer before having children

[Rainyrobin]

I feel awful even typing this but does anyone else ever think they would have been better off waiting a bit longer before having children?

I’m 32 and have 3 DC, 11, 7 and 3. I love them, obviously I do, and I’m not saying I wish they weren’t here. But sometimes I look at people my age who are only just having their first or who are still doing things for themselves and I do get a bit of a pang if I’m honest.

I fell pregnant with my eldest when I was 20. I was with my partner and we’d been together a couple of years. We used to go to gigs, travel for weekends on the cheap and just do things without having to think too much about them. I didn’t exactly fall pregnant by accident but it wasn’t something we’d sat down and planned out in great detail either. We thought we’d manage and we did, in the sense that we got on with it. I was young though and looking back I don’t think I really understood how much your life changes once you have a baby. I knew it would be hard work obviously but knowing something and actually living it are two different things.

His dad and I are still together, which is probably part of why this feels so complicated to explain. We’ve been together since we were young and have the younger two together as well. He is a good dad and does help, so this isn’t me having a go at him or saying I’m doing everything on my own. We both work and the usual stuff needs doing, school, nursery, food shopping, washing, trying to remember who needs what for which day. It just feels like there is always something and even when the children are in bed I’m usually sorting something out for the next day.

I think what gets to me is that I never really had much time as an adult without being responsible for somebody else. I went from being at home with my parents to being in a relationship and then having a baby. I was 20, so old enough to make my own decisions, I’m not saying anyone made me do it. But I didn’t really get to find out who I was on my own, if that makes sense.

Before anyone says you can still do things with children, yes of course you can. We go out and do things as a family, have days out and the children have a nice life. I’m not sat at home miserable every day. But everything takes planning and money and somebody has to pack the bags and remember the snacks and make sure the little one has had a nap or you end up paying for it later. Even going somewhere for a couple of hours can turn into a whole thing.

I was talking to someone I know the other day who is 31 and has just got engaged. She was talking about wanting to do a bit of travelling before they even think about children and I was happy for her, I really was, but afterwards I did think god I wish I’d had a bit more time like that. Not even anything exciting really. Just being able to decide on a Friday that you want to go somewhere at the weekend without having to work out childcare, costs, school stuff and everything else first. We used to go away for cheap weekends, stay somewhere basic and make a little trip of it. I miss that sometimes. I miss being able to go to a gig and not immediately think about who is picking everyone up the next morning.

I don’t regret my children and I don’t want that taken the wrong way. My eldest is getting so grown up now and sometimes I look at him and wonder where the time has gone. The younger two are funny and lovely in their own ways and I know I’d be devastated if they weren’t here. But I also remember being 20 and thinking I was basically an adult who had everything figured out, when really I hadn’t got a clue about a lot of things.

My partner says everyone has to give things up when they have children and that we have plenty of time to do more when they’re older. Which is true I suppose. But I don’t think he feels it in quite the same way because he was older when he became a dad. He says I shouldn’t compare our life to people who don’t have kids yet because it’s not the same stage of life. I know that, I’m not stupid, but sometimes you can’t help thinking about what might have been different.

I don’t know if this is just a normal thing to feel or if I’m being ungrateful. I do get a bit fed up when people say having children young is great because you’ll still be young when they’re grown up. Maybe I will be, but I’ve still spent most of my twenties and now my early thirties raising children. It’s not like I can get those years back and do some of the things I didn’t do.

Does anyone else ever wish they’d waited a few more years, even though they love the children they have? Or did you have them young and feel like you got the best of both worlds? I don’t really have anyone I can say this to in real life because I think people would assume I don’t love my children, which isn’t it at all.

I actually met DH at uni but didn’t want marriage & dc young.

I had mine late twenties and that has worked for our family. Mine are both young adults now, 21 and 18 and I’m still (just) under 50. I’ve got loads of time to myself now for hobbies, holidays and friends. DH and I can go on holidays or city breaks without them and leave them to hold the fort and look after the pets (we do also still invite them on other holidays but they’re increasingly taking holidays with friends and partners too). We’re planning to get a motorhome at some point and take some longer trips away around Europe.

Like a PP said, the perimenopause is kicking my arse so I'm glad I’m not having to deal with smaller children with the relentless school runs, activities, early mornings and noise! But some friends of my age started their families much later and have much younger children than mine- they all seem to be happy too so it’s horses for courses.

You don't have many more years being sleep deprived, Op.
Once your youngest is 7, you can be back planning adventurous, active holidays.
You have the good fortune of being much more flexible in your 40s and 50s.

I am probably around your age @Waitingfordoggo but with a six year old and three year old. I always find it funny when people my age have adult children although I know it’s me who is the anomaly!

My mum was an older mum (relative to the time) and I always hated it - I was determined to have my kids by 30. But life didn't work out like that and I had kids at 31 and 34. They're 11 and 14 now and I'm so tired and I desperately wish I'd had them 5 years earlier.

I know what you mean @throughtheseasons , though it depends on the social group and can also be regional I think. I’m the second youngest mum in my NCT group for example, at least three of them are a whole ten years older than me but we all had our DC1 at the same time!

Yes I know a few people that happened to and they hadn’t had children. Utterly devastating honestly especially when the egg freezing before treatment didn’t work. Their regret that they waited is so sad.

Give it 5 years and you’ll be feeling the freedom of having h mad children in your 20s instead of your 30s.

I kept starting again. My 1st when I was 16. Even if dd waits till shes 30 to have kids ill be 46. glad of that. 2nd born i was 24. if he dosent have kids till 30 ill be 54. Still a good age for granny. 3rd born i was 26. 4th I was 30. If waits ill be 60. Starting to worry there as alot of my family start having issues around then. 5th i was 32. Again same worries. But by the time im 50 the younget will be 23. Ill be under 50 by the time I can leave the kids and go do things.

So for me I liked that I had kids young so I can be as involved granny as they want me to be.

When I was a teen, I could take myself to visit my lovely grandmother at her home. I had kids later in life - if my kids do the same, I would be over 90 by the time my grankids are teens.

I had DD1 at 41 and DD2 at 42. Not planned that way, I didn’t meet their Father until I was 38. I think there are so many pros and cons to young or older parenting … I’m 59 now with an 18 & 16 year old and I’m really conscious that they may lose me earlier in their lives. But I did trust the timing … I wasn’t responsible enough to own a house plant at 21!!!

The problem isn't the age its how spread out they are in age.

Ah i am 36 with a nearly 12 year old and a 13 year old. I'm glad I had them early 20s although I am still very much responsible for them I can see the light at the end of the tunnel 😅. They're self sufficient now to a degree, at an age where I can pop out alone without a military operation.

But I think there are pros and cons to having them earlier and having them later. I couldn't imagine starting now, but I guess thats because I have already done the baby, toddler and all following stages.

My mom had me at 18, my brother at 24 and my youngest brother the month before she turned 40.... she says with me she had the energy but not the patience/ tolerance, she feels with my brother she had at 24 that was a great age to have a child, my youngest brother she says she has the kude experience but she definitely doesnt have the energy!

Had my DC youngish and am now 60 and obviously, they're independent, finanially self supporting and living elsewhere. I've had this freedom since I was mid 40s. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you have children, there is always the bit when they're young where it's bloody hard work. I'm 100% happy that I did the hard bit while I was young and energetic. The thought of having teenagers to be responsible for at 60, the way some of my friends are because they had their kids in their 40s, makes me shudder in horror. Thank god that I can have my tidy, peaceful home to myself at this stage of my life.

Your time will come @Rainyrobin,