Sometimes I wish I’d waited longer before having children

[Rainyrobin]

I feel awful even typing this but does anyone else ever think they would have been better off waiting a bit longer before having children?

I’m 32 and have 3 DC, 11, 7 and 3. I love them, obviously I do, and I’m not saying I wish they weren’t here. But sometimes I look at people my age who are only just having their first or who are still doing things for themselves and I do get a bit of a pang if I’m honest.

I fell pregnant with my eldest when I was 20. I was with my partner and we’d been together a couple of years. We used to go to gigs, travel for weekends on the cheap and just do things without having to think too much about them. I didn’t exactly fall pregnant by accident but it wasn’t something we’d sat down and planned out in great detail either. We thought we’d manage and we did, in the sense that we got on with it. I was young though and looking back I don’t think I really understood how much your life changes once you have a baby. I knew it would be hard work obviously but knowing something and actually living it are two different things.

His dad and I are still together, which is probably part of why this feels so complicated to explain. We’ve been together since we were young and have the younger two together as well. He is a good dad and does help, so this isn’t me having a go at him or saying I’m doing everything on my own. We both work and the usual stuff needs doing, school, nursery, food shopping, washing, trying to remember who needs what for which day. It just feels like there is always something and even when the children are in bed I’m usually sorting something out for the next day.

I think what gets to me is that I never really had much time as an adult without being responsible for somebody else. I went from being at home with my parents to being in a relationship and then having a baby. I was 20, so old enough to make my own decisions, I’m not saying anyone made me do it. But I didn’t really get to find out who I was on my own, if that makes sense.

Before anyone says you can still do things with children, yes of course you can. We go out and do things as a family, have days out and the children have a nice life. I’m not sat at home miserable every day. But everything takes planning and money and somebody has to pack the bags and remember the snacks and make sure the little one has had a nap or you end up paying for it later. Even going somewhere for a couple of hours can turn into a whole thing.

I was talking to someone I know the other day who is 31 and has just got engaged. She was talking about wanting to do a bit of travelling before they even think about children and I was happy for her, I really was, but afterwards I did think god I wish I’d had a bit more time like that. Not even anything exciting really. Just being able to decide on a Friday that you want to go somewhere at the weekend without having to work out childcare, costs, school stuff and everything else first. We used to go away for cheap weekends, stay somewhere basic and make a little trip of it. I miss that sometimes. I miss being able to go to a gig and not immediately think about who is picking everyone up the next morning.

I don’t regret my children and I don’t want that taken the wrong way. My eldest is getting so grown up now and sometimes I look at him and wonder where the time has gone. The younger two are funny and lovely in their own ways and I know I’d be devastated if they weren’t here. But I also remember being 20 and thinking I was basically an adult who had everything figured out, when really I hadn’t got a clue about a lot of things.

My partner says everyone has to give things up when they have children and that we have plenty of time to do more when they’re older. Which is true I suppose. But I don’t think he feels it in quite the same way because he was older when he became a dad. He says I shouldn’t compare our life to people who don’t have kids yet because it’s not the same stage of life. I know that, I’m not stupid, but sometimes you can’t help thinking about what might have been different.

I don’t know if this is just a normal thing to feel or if I’m being ungrateful. I do get a bit fed up when people say having children young is great because you’ll still be young when they’re grown up. Maybe I will be, but I’ve still spent most of my twenties and now my early thirties raising children. It’s not like I can get those years back and do some of the things I didn’t do.

Does anyone else ever wish they’d waited a few more years, even though they love the children they have? Or did you have them young and feel like you got the best of both worlds? I don’t really have anyone I can say this to in real life because I think people would assume I don’t love my children, which isn’t it at all.

I think we often wish for what we don’t have.

By contrast I’ve waited until my late 30s to have a child- I’ve travelled, got an amazing career, lovely house and car etc. But I’ve had to undergo extensive IVF including baby loss to get pregnant and that has been all consuming for some years. I sometimes wish I had thought about having children sooner and less about my career.

You will be out of the throes of raising young children by your 50s. Hopefully you will have time to do the things you wish you had done earlier then. I won’t!

I can definitely relate to this. At one point with the mortgage, childcare, work, running a home and trying to be a present mum it did feel like I was spinning more plates than my hands could cope with. Fortunately the really tough period only lasted a couple of years. The real victim of having kids young I think was my pension. I've needed to add colossal amounts since early 40s to catch up.

I think you feel how feel and it’s ok

but I do believe you either get your time before or after - you will get yours after and others before - also it doesn’t always work easily if you leave it later

I think you’re very lucky to have you’re own family - we all think the gras is greener at some point

Don’t think having them young was the issue - having the 3rd child is !

11 & 7 - you were nearly at the finish line there and closest to getting more time to yourself - but now you have more years of it left with the little one 🤷‍♀️

I had mine a tad older than you but nope i don’t regret for a second having them young. Im desperately sad they aren’t far from flying the nest but my husband and I are planning all our adventures when we are solo. There is no right time to have children. What ever you do you freedom is curtailed from the time your eldest is born to the movement the youngest leaves. Just embrace where you are and enjoy the moment. Life is too short to be regretting what has happened. You are where you are.

in 15 years that baby will be 18, even if at home, old enough to look after themselves. you will be 46 and you'll be in a position to do all that stuff you missed in your 20s.
I had my kids at 33 and 38 so had my 20s free. it in reality I was in a couple of unhappy relationships, working and supporting myself so not tons of money for holidays etc. Even now n her 30s your friend doesn't feel she's done enough living or have kids. she may well find, or you might have found, that trying to have kids in your mid 30s onwards can be hard.

I'll be 56 before my kids are grown up.

On the plus side, you’ll only be 47 when your youngest turns 18, which is still young. You and your husband can do lots of travelling and going to gigs then. Remember, 40s is the new 20s. 😊

they weren't 7 and 11 when she had her 3rd tho. they were 8 and 4 so miles from the end line. you might as well tell her to regret her 2nd too, then she'd only have an 11 year old!

I’m 43 and mine are 20 and 14, and we’re coming out the other side. I sometimes wish I hadn’t left such a gap (but the gap was lovely when DC2 was born as DC1 was in full time school and I got to do a proper maternity leave with DC2 as well).

We have had a couple of adult only holidays for our special birthdays, we can just get up and go to the gym and go for lunch etc now on a weekend etc.

Im also struggling with sleep with peri and I can’t imagine adding parenting small children to how tired I feel some days and my patience is very short.

So in short, I’m glad I had mine early.

I think when you haven’t actually experienced something it’s easy to romanticise and idealise it in your mind. I used to do this with children actually. I would imagine the lovely family meals and the nature walks and the crafts and farm visits and I had no idea that for under 3s anyway a lot of the things you think will be enjoyable with them just aren’t and it hugely restricts what you can do. In my mind it was this beautiful dream.

It’s easy to do that with any period of time. My twenties were actually far from this carefree party time and were very lonely. I didn’t get to travel or do any of the things you ‘should’ do and had this existential crisis where I wasn’t sure if I should be a career woman, party animal or wanderlust person and I wasn’t very good at any of them anyway.

This is the problem with defining experiences to decades, I think.

Does it work like this now in today’s world? All my travelling plans have to be put aside to fund uni &
house deposits! I’m glad I travelled prior to having the responsibility of dc

You're perhaps pining for a past that wouldn't have existed anyway OP.

Ex-dp and I had 8 years of our 20s together before having our first dc and honestly we were broke and had fuck all money to go travelling or have excellent holidays!

People do talk about it on here like it is GCSEs or driving lessons, something everyone does. Maybe they do, I don’t know. Or do people mean ‘we went on holiday!’

@throughtheseasonsyou have confused me

OP I had my children in my early 20s and ended up getting cancer in my 30s which will force me into early menopause. If children were in your plan and are very important to you, putting it off is always a risk, you don’t know what’s around the corner.

I’ve managed to do travelling, career progression and financial development while having children. Hopefully I will have decades ahead still to do more when I have recovered, but if I had to choose between having a family followed by cancer or travelling more or living independently longer before cancer, I’d absolutely go for the former. I’m very grateful for what I’ve had.

Sorry, I’m confused as to what has confused you 😅

I had my first at 21 and second at 23. I wouldn't change it. It does seem like I adjusted to the change better than my friends who had their first later. I never felt I lost my identity, didn't struggle with the lack of sleep, weren't bothered by the extra responsibility. I still had lots of fun in my 20s, as well as family fun DH and I would both have nights out and short breaks with friends whilst the other had the DC. I could have a night out and still be up at the crack of dawn with the DC and have a family day out.
I had my 3rd at 35, that was tough. The pregnancy, the labour, the newborn stage- exhausting! He also has autism and development delay which I do wonder if the age of DH and I had anything to do with. I feel crap the following day if I've not had enough sleep. I wouldn't really change anything if I could because that may mean not having what I have now, which I love. But if I had to, it would be having the youngest at a younger age rather than having the older ones later.

I had mine at 26 and 29. My motto after having my first was ‘have baby, will travel’ so we backpacked around the world!

and how did you fund that?

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it, so long as you could afford to have children at that age and were in a stable relationship, which it seems you were, it's just the choice you've made. I'm now 42 with a 7 year old had a great time in my twenties and early thirties but by the time I retire I'll be shattered and probably still have a young adult ds at home or not long gone! Good friend of mine is 2 years older and her youngest is 19 and just moved in with a pal he's on apprenticeship with. Her and her husband are back to term time holidays and with a better income than I had in my twenties!

@throughtheseasons

this is what has confused me?

Do you mean uni costs are like GCSEs?

Or do people mean we went holiday

I have no idea what this means?

I mean that ‘going travelling’ is talked about as if it is a normal rite of passage and not realistically something only available to those with significant funds and freedom (and few people are fortunate enough to have both.)

But I am unsure if people mean what I assume they mean when they talk about ‘going travelling’ as to me this would be something you do over several months and involving lots of different countries and places. Maybe people just mean they went on holiday.

Totally agree, I’m just 50 with a 25 yr old and a 23 yr old and would hate to have small children just now.

I have some friends my age and older with children still in primary school.

dh are now going holidays on our own, weekends away, out for dinner, going to concerts, spontaneous nights out with no need to organise a babysitter.

it’s great.

@throughtheseasons oh right, I travelled through summer holidays of uni & some of my gap year and then lots of holidays in my 20s to exotic & exciting places. All my friends did some form of backpacking

I think it helps to see the positive in whatever route you took. For me, being kid free and fancy free until 36 was fantastic. Lots of great experiences, independence and career building. I'm also glad I didnt have kids any later.