Sometimes I wish I’d waited longer before having children

[Rainyrobin]

I feel awful even typing this but does anyone else ever think they would have been better off waiting a bit longer before having children?

I’m 32 and have 3 DC, 11, 7 and 3. I love them, obviously I do, and I’m not saying I wish they weren’t here. But sometimes I look at people my age who are only just having their first or who are still doing things for themselves and I do get a bit of a pang if I’m honest.

I fell pregnant with my eldest when I was 20. I was with my partner and we’d been together a couple of years. We used to go to gigs, travel for weekends on the cheap and just do things without having to think too much about them. I didn’t exactly fall pregnant by accident but it wasn’t something we’d sat down and planned out in great detail either. We thought we’d manage and we did, in the sense that we got on with it. I was young though and looking back I don’t think I really understood how much your life changes once you have a baby. I knew it would be hard work obviously but knowing something and actually living it are two different things.

His dad and I are still together, which is probably part of why this feels so complicated to explain. We’ve been together since we were young and have the younger two together as well. He is a good dad and does help, so this isn’t me having a go at him or saying I’m doing everything on my own. We both work and the usual stuff needs doing, school, nursery, food shopping, washing, trying to remember who needs what for which day. It just feels like there is always something and even when the children are in bed I’m usually sorting something out for the next day.

I think what gets to me is that I never really had much time as an adult without being responsible for somebody else. I went from being at home with my parents to being in a relationship and then having a baby. I was 20, so old enough to make my own decisions, I’m not saying anyone made me do it. But I didn’t really get to find out who I was on my own, if that makes sense.

Before anyone says you can still do things with children, yes of course you can. We go out and do things as a family, have days out and the children have a nice life. I’m not sat at home miserable every day. But everything takes planning and money and somebody has to pack the bags and remember the snacks and make sure the little one has had a nap or you end up paying for it later. Even going somewhere for a couple of hours can turn into a whole thing.

I was talking to someone I know the other day who is 31 and has just got engaged. She was talking about wanting to do a bit of travelling before they even think about children and I was happy for her, I really was, but afterwards I did think god I wish I’d had a bit more time like that. Not even anything exciting really. Just being able to decide on a Friday that you want to go somewhere at the weekend without having to work out childcare, costs, school stuff and everything else first. We used to go away for cheap weekends, stay somewhere basic and make a little trip of it. I miss that sometimes. I miss being able to go to a gig and not immediately think about who is picking everyone up the next morning.

I don’t regret my children and I don’t want that taken the wrong way. My eldest is getting so grown up now and sometimes I look at him and wonder where the time has gone. The younger two are funny and lovely in their own ways and I know I’d be devastated if they weren’t here. But I also remember being 20 and thinking I was basically an adult who had everything figured out, when really I hadn’t got a clue about a lot of things.

My partner says everyone has to give things up when they have children and that we have plenty of time to do more when they’re older. Which is true I suppose. But I don’t think he feels it in quite the same way because he was older when he became a dad. He says I shouldn’t compare our life to people who don’t have kids yet because it’s not the same stage of life. I know that, I’m not stupid, but sometimes you can’t help thinking about what might have been different.

I don’t know if this is just a normal thing to feel or if I’m being ungrateful. I do get a bit fed up when people say having children young is great because you’ll still be young when they’re grown up. Maybe I will be, but I’ve still spent most of my twenties and now my early thirties raising children. It’s not like I can get those years back and do some of the things I didn’t do.

Does anyone else ever wish they’d waited a few more years, even though they love the children they have? Or did you have them young and feel like you got the best of both worlds? I don’t really have anyone I can say this to in real life because I think people would assume I don’t love my children, which isn’t it at all.

I think what you’re feeling is perfectly normal, whether it’s 1 child or 5 children.

My question though - why did you have 2 more? You’re just adding and adding more years of parenting.

On the flip side, we had children later, and I wish we'd had the chance to have them younger because now we'd be in our early to mid 40s and have our lives 'back' whilst we're young enough to enjoy ourselves. But our youngest has only just started primary school so we'll be early- mid 50s before we can start living our 'own' lives again. You'll be in your 40s and practically home and dry with disposable income and lots of exciting things to look forward to!

I'm glad I didn't wait longer TBH. I would not want to be doing child raising alongside perimenopause. I'm mid 40s, mine is 18 and I'm enjoying travel and focusing on my career more as well as a lovely relationship with my second DH, but peri is pretty horrid and I am very glad I'm out of the trenches of parenting before it really hit me.

I had my children at 30 and 32. I'm 63 now. Retired and travel where I want now. My daughter is 33...her life got delayed with COVID with regards to travel, she then restrained and still hasn't travelled and had a miscarriage in march and regrets waiting. You can do so much in your 50s and 60s. Don't give up

Your children are going to have memories of you being young. Especially your eldest they probably can remember you in your twenties. Some people will never have that.
You get the chance to spend some of the best years of your life with your children with better health. Your not going to be in your 50’s with young children.

Theres pros and cons to all of this - we didnt get together until 34 & 35 so i had my 2 dc at 35 and 37. Now we are enjoying being grand parents but we are now early 70s and dont have the energy to be able to help as much as we would like and i doubt we will see our grandchildren get to adulthood and definitely wont see any great grandchildren.

enjoy your family!

I’m kind of in the middle. 4 children, first at 28 yrs old, last at 34 years old. I had some regrets that I didn’t do more travelling before kids when they were young but now I’ve just turned 60. Very active, working at a high level professionally but was around when they were younger, about to have my first grandchild and look for to lots of adventures with them, and get to do plenty of travelling now. I’m still able to do long hiking holidays, campervan road trips and currently planning a trip to Namibia with a roof tent next year. So I guess hopefully you’ll get to do all those things later and be young enough to really enjoy your grandchildren

I know what you mean, I have thought about that myself tbh. We always wanted more than one and at the time I didnt think about it in terms of adding more years on if that makes sense. By the time we had the second I was older and we just felt like we wanted another one, I dont think I sat there thinking about how long we’d be doing the school runs and all the rest of it for 😅

I love them all and wouldnt want to change it now, its more that I wish I’d given myself a bit more time before starting in the first place. I probably didnt think it all through as much as I should have when I was younger.

I was in my 20s when I had my two children - by the time I was late 40s they were grown up with university done and dusted. I don't envy todays 40-somethings with children in primary school!

You have lots of living to look forward to and in the meantime three children and a nice husband along the way

I had mine at 31 and 33 and now I'm 54 I'm having an absolute blast travelling, gigs, I established a career at 49. You will only be mid 40s when you can have complete freedom please don't think that your 'good' years are behind you. There is no 'right' time.
The thing I wish I hadn't done is get a blooming dog as he keeps us home more than children did. (I am joking, we love the smelly lump really)

There is no point agonising about this stuff OP. You had your DC young and there is no turning the clock back. And while I'm one of those people who had kids in my 30s, my best mate from school had hers young. Her kids are in their 30s now and she's in her 50s and she has all the freedom she missed in her 20s. She has a great career, a relationship, and she will be a young grandma and a lot more help and support to her kids than I will when mine eventually have kids. If they wait until their 30s too I'll be well into my 60s or 70s, so there are pluses and minuses on both sides. And you're still with your DP! If you'd had kids with someone that you later wished you hadn't, that would be a major minus, but you are still happy together, so I'd say don't create an issue where isn't one. You will be done with childrearing when your friends are still in the trenches and there's a lot to be said for doing all that when you're young.

its ok to reflect that things would have been different…… if they were different !

but be careful not to dwell / ruminate on what if’s and I should have’s …..

ruminating does cause low mood

reflecting less risky - just don’t get stuck there (ruminating)

No as I'm now mid 40's they're almost all adults and I'd hate to be doing toddler tantrums and endless school stuff now. I'm glad I had more energy for them when I was younger

Trade off is that you are likely to around and healthy for more of their lives.

Had mine at 35. Sometimes I think that I’d have more energy if I had done it a BIT younger. But I would never have wanted to lose my 20s to parenthood.

I had 3 children in my 20s/early 30’s.

i do sometimes have the same thoughts as you. I think my children would have had a better mum had I waited longer. I didn’t have as much patience as I do now and money was an issue and I had to work a lot. I feel now I’m in my 40’s, I’m much more confident and less anxious about life. I’d definitely be a better mum now.

I can’t change it, so I just have to not beat myself up too much. Life is not perfect. I’m enjoying more free time now, but I do have guilt about my early years of being a mum.

How much older is your husband?

The thing is you'll have your time in your 40s, 50s and beyond. My eldest came to my 21st. I went on a have a career, travelled, became a gran at 50. You've only just begun. Enjoy your time with them now, it really is fleeting.

I agree with the pp who said it’s a waste of headspace agonising over this, OP.

There are benefits and downsides to having children at any age.

I had my kids in my twenties and my career took a hit compared to friends who waited until their mid thirties and beyond to start families (it recovered, but it was a long, hard slog!).

However, at 50 I’m free of child- rearing, but have friends still doing the primary school run, trying to find babysitters for a night out and juggling menopause and caring for elderly parents with parents evenings and Saturday morning football.

There’s no easy way to do parenting or life!

Yes, I think this is totally valid. I had my first at 32 and 2nd at 37. I have zero regrets about all the partying and travelling and sleeping in and being selfish I did in my 20s. I entered parenthood feeling very ready for the next chapter and well prepared for what was ahead, and I haven’t found it a struggle.

But the thing is, you don’t know until you know, do you? I have some health issues now in my 40s, that if I’d known in my 20s and 30s were ahead of me, I would have lived life differently. But you don’t know what you don’t know. You can only live with what you’ve got right now. The positive thing is that you have your 40s to do the things that most of us are waiting til our 50s to do. You have lots of time now for building a career and building a pension while you’re still young and your children are older. You’ll hopefully get to travel while still healthy and young. These are all great things.

I'd had my 2 by age 25 and it sounds like you are in the thick of it , but hang on in there , it does get better and the good news is you will still be able to enjoy those things again .

If I hadn't had mine young, I would now be adding parenting to the list of working a demanding job, dealing with menopause, sorting all life admin for MIL with dementia (she has now passed away but that also added Executor admin to my list) and helping my own elderly parents (80's).

I'm late 40's and now child free at home, able to throw money at my pension and eagerly anticipating retiring in my late 50s rather than dealing with teenagers!

It works both ways.
I had mine at 37 and 39 and was with DH almost 20 years before we had DC. So we had all those years of travelling and freedom.
You'll have it in your 40s.

Do You think it could be more. To do with the big age gap between your children. As when your oldest is turning 18 you will still have young kids . I had my first at 23 never regretted having children at that age .

My 20’s and 30’s were a time for building a career and travelling the world.

I didn’t have DS until my 40’s but by that time I was earning a very high salary and had completed a lot of my bucket list of adventures. The idea that I could have done the same in my 50’s and 60’s as I did in my 20’s and 30’s is absurd.

Overall I lived life to the max when my energy was at its highest. I now enjoy looking after DS with no financial worries and can work fewer hours than nearly all other parents I know.

It’s up to each individual what path they choose to take however if you are likely to have the ability and desire to be a higher earner it makes a lot of sense to focus on career first and then have children later.