Sometimes I wish I’d waited longer before having children

[Rainyrobin]

I feel awful even typing this but does anyone else ever think they would have been better off waiting a bit longer before having children?

I’m 32 and have 3 DC, 11, 7 and 3. I love them, obviously I do, and I’m not saying I wish they weren’t here. But sometimes I look at people my age who are only just having their first or who are still doing things for themselves and I do get a bit of a pang if I’m honest.

I fell pregnant with my eldest when I was 20. I was with my partner and we’d been together a couple of years. We used to go to gigs, travel for weekends on the cheap and just do things without having to think too much about them. I didn’t exactly fall pregnant by accident but it wasn’t something we’d sat down and planned out in great detail either. We thought we’d manage and we did, in the sense that we got on with it. I was young though and looking back I don’t think I really understood how much your life changes once you have a baby. I knew it would be hard work obviously but knowing something and actually living it are two different things.

His dad and I are still together, which is probably part of why this feels so complicated to explain. We’ve been together since we were young and have the younger two together as well. He is a good dad and does help, so this isn’t me having a go at him or saying I’m doing everything on my own. We both work and the usual stuff needs doing, school, nursery, food shopping, washing, trying to remember who needs what for which day. It just feels like there is always something and even when the children are in bed I’m usually sorting something out for the next day.

I think what gets to me is that I never really had much time as an adult without being responsible for somebody else. I went from being at home with my parents to being in a relationship and then having a baby. I was 20, so old enough to make my own decisions, I’m not saying anyone made me do it. But I didn’t really get to find out who I was on my own, if that makes sense.

Before anyone says you can still do things with children, yes of course you can. We go out and do things as a family, have days out and the children have a nice life. I’m not sat at home miserable every day. But everything takes planning and money and somebody has to pack the bags and remember the snacks and make sure the little one has had a nap or you end up paying for it later. Even going somewhere for a couple of hours can turn into a whole thing.

I was talking to someone I know the other day who is 31 and has just got engaged. She was talking about wanting to do a bit of travelling before they even think about children and I was happy for her, I really was, but afterwards I did think god I wish I’d had a bit more time like that. Not even anything exciting really. Just being able to decide on a Friday that you want to go somewhere at the weekend without having to work out childcare, costs, school stuff and everything else first. We used to go away for cheap weekends, stay somewhere basic and make a little trip of it. I miss that sometimes. I miss being able to go to a gig and not immediately think about who is picking everyone up the next morning.

I don’t regret my children and I don’t want that taken the wrong way. My eldest is getting so grown up now and sometimes I look at him and wonder where the time has gone. The younger two are funny and lovely in their own ways and I know I’d be devastated if they weren’t here. But I also remember being 20 and thinking I was basically an adult who had everything figured out, when really I hadn’t got a clue about a lot of things.

My partner says everyone has to give things up when they have children and that we have plenty of time to do more when they’re older. Which is true I suppose. But I don’t think he feels it in quite the same way because he was older when he became a dad. He says I shouldn’t compare our life to people who don’t have kids yet because it’s not the same stage of life. I know that, I’m not stupid, but sometimes you can’t help thinking about what might have been different.

I don’t know if this is just a normal thing to feel or if I’m being ungrateful. I do get a bit fed up when people say having children young is great because you’ll still be young when they’re grown up. Maybe I will be, but I’ve still spent most of my twenties and now my early thirties raising children. It’s not like I can get those years back and do some of the things I didn’t do.

Does anyone else ever wish they’d waited a few more years, even though they love the children they have? Or did you have them young and feel like you got the best of both worlds? I don’t really have anyone I can say this to in real life because I think people would assume I don’t love my children, which isn’t it at all.

OP I had my first at 35 and I worry about the opposite. I’ll be in my early fifties before DD is somewhat self sufficient!

Yes I had lots of time to do kid-free stuff when I was younger, but you don’t appreciate it at the time like you appreciate a day to yourself when you’re a parent. It’s just normal life.

Also, having DD has made me think things I did when I was younger are distinctly less interesting than I thought they were at the time.

If you’ve got a good relationship and 3 healthy children, I’m sure life is good.

There are other paths everyone could have taken.

I think it’s normal to reflect and yes, you are probably right that in an ideal world a bit more youth might have been nice.
But you can’t change it so no point dwelling on it.
I’m the opposite because I had my kids aged 38 and 41. My friends kids have all left home and they are looking to retire, I need to keep earning because it’ll be another 10 years before my youngest finishes uni if she goes…

I disagree. I have 3 friends who waited til 35+ to have kids - all going through IVF and very poor mental health due to years of infertility now. And I wouldn’t want to be 50 with a primary aged child. That’s just me though

Interestingly when reading your post I did wonder if you'd feel like this if you hadn't had your last one - 11 and 7 are quite old and you'd presumably have quite a bit of time back! So I think maybe it's the spread of years of your kids that means you'll be doing childcare for a long time, rather than necessarily just being because you started young

It’s very individual as no one can predict the future & there is no point regretting things now.

I had mine at 31 & 34 & it was perfect for me. One thing I think is different these days is that it’s unlikely my dc will be moved out after uni due to house prices so I will have longer with them then planned!

No I never felt like this.
Had my two dc in my 20's.
Dealing with primary aged kids in my 40's- no thanks.

This ^
The difference in health and energy level is enormous.
Also It’s their ages and the gap in your case. If you’d had 11, 9 and 7 - you would start noticing difference by now.
You are not being unreasonable at all and I wonder if by not recognizing your feelings your DH is actually making things worse. You need start claiming this me time before you are completely broken down and for this you need his help and understanding.

I had mine later (health reasons). I really envy a friend of mine who had hers at 25 -28 and at 45 started traveling, developed gym hobby and became able to do any gigs and shows at short notice. I was still on school run then 😢. Now I have more freedom but less energy and more health issues.

I think you had made your best decisions at the time when you made your decisions. There should be no regrets. You do not have a crystal ball to see your future. You were completely happy with having your children when you did. You did not know at the time when you had your children, you would have the conversations with your friend later talking about having child free time. Your needs changes with time and you might see things differently with time, but you cannot forsee future and you cannot change your past, you better be content with your present and make changes for your future while you can now. Anyway, I think you still have a lot of time ahead of you to be free from looking after children when they are adults. When the time comes, you might start having conversations with your friends, the older mums, envying you because they have no me-time while looking after their young children. We are all different, and we made our best decisions at that particular time.

Having a primary aged child in your 50’s when you have no mortgage and enough money to retire is an absolute joy.

I look at the younger parents who struggle with big mortgages and small pension pots having to chuck their kids into breakfast clubs and after school clubs and relying on GP for pick ups and drop offs due to work commitments and I know which life I prefer.

There’s only 1 child in my DS’s year 1 class who doesn’t have at least 1 parent in their 40’s or 50’s.

I had mine at 30. Feeling so tired today and wondered if it would have been easier to manage things if I had my DC at 20.

I think your partner is correct. What is the point in thinking about this? You made a decision, your 20's won't be coming back so you just need to get through the parenting bit and do what you want when you are older. I had kids late and had a blast in my 20's but I was in my 20's in the 90's. It was easier to have a blast. Also I didn't want to 'settle down ' in my 20's. I wanted to travel, go out with my friends etc. If you decided you wanted a baby at 19, were you really the kind of person who would have wanted to piss about for 10 years? You may be want to do it now but just look after your health as well as you can and you can do it in your 40's. I'm doing that now, hoping to do it too, but in my 60's and retired!

I had dc1 at 16 so at least you had 4 more years than me 😂

On a serious note I wouldn’t feel too left out a lot of the “fun” people talk about is just getting drunk every weekend. I’ve been drunk a handful of times in my life and found the hangover wasn’t worth it. I know people who say they wish they hadn’t wasted years just doing hedonistic shit. They also grow up so quickly my eldest will be an adult before I’m 35, so you’ll get your free time back eventually anyway

OP the positives are you’ll have your 20s in your 50s which is great, plus the energy to be a fantastic grandparent.

You had DCs young but you have a 4 year gap between each child, so now you have a 3 year old at 32 which is not young to have that age child. If you’d had them closer together you’d be out of the parenting years fairly young, but spreading them out like that you’ve got a while to go yet. Point being you started parenting young but won’t finish particularly young.

I think you did it the best way Round. You will be child free before 50 and can enjoy time with your dh . Having a child in your late thirties is exhausting and you are tied up til practically 60.

I had mine in my late teens/twenties.

I am now 42, with two adult children and a teen, my mortgage will be finished in three years so my mid forties onwards will be for us to enjoy free time with disposable income. I am about to become a grandparent as my eldest is expecting and cannot wait. My own parents are still in their 60s and about to be great grandparents. I did feel a pang in my 20s when I was in the trenches and everyone was off exploring the world, festivals, nights out etc but I get my time soon hopefully 😁

Parenting is hard whatever age.

Agreed. We had more money and more patience than we ever would have had in our twenties. No FOMO because we had done it all.
I was able to work fewer hours, my DC never went to breakfast clubs, DH retired when the youngest was 11 so there was a SAHP then.
Having young children in your 40s isn't just about stamina, though it definitely gives a new lease of life.

It was right for me to have them later, I never had any interest in having children when young. Not the same for everyone.

I was 21, 23 and 30 giving birth. All planned 🙄

When I think back to being aged 20 and trying for a baby with my boyfriend of 3 years...well words fail me. What a moron. It doesn't even feel like I'm the same person as that childish, irresponsible fool tbph.

Luckily for me it turned out well, (now) dh turned out to be a decent bloke, we're still happy 20 odd years later, in a good place etc. But could definitely have turned out differently! And my word, life would have been easier it we'd waited a few years.

We all have what ifs- all of my friends have young kids now, mine are teens. They all have proper savings and good jobs, I’m retail. As I’m sure yours are my kids are my everything. If I examine my what ifs they could have led to my youngest not even being born and that would be a travesty because he’s a ball of light!!

The newly engaged 31 year old probably wishes she had the extra 10 years that you have had with your husband by the same age.

Everyone sees things in other peoples lives that they think would be nice for them…but as the mother of an 18 year old who was 20 when he was born, I now look at my friends in their late 30s and early 40s with their toddlers, lack of sleep, messy houses, no time for themselves and I’m reminded that I have my life back now.

All of my major costs are gone (once I’ve finished paying for his uni) so I have my freedom at the time when my disposable income is at its highest and my costs are at their lowest. I can have fun, and I’m still young enough for it. When my friends get to 60 they’ll be close to retirement and won’t have had the extra 20 years I will get of having no responsibilities after kids.

I’ll have grandchildren (maybe) in my late 40s or 50s when I will be young enough to chase around after them and have fun. They will have theirs in their 70s and 80s when it will be much harder.

There are benefits to both, you really should try not to envy other people, because it only hurts you

This is a really good point OP. I don’t know how women impacted by peri can parent young children on top. Absolute respect for them as for some it is brutal.

+Think of it another way. Think of the people you love the most. Time is precious and likely having more time (though nothing is certain) to make memories and loved and be loved great too.

You’ll get your time when you’re still young.

I’ve been agreeing with everything you’ve said but I was 40 when I had my first!

Your time will come. In many ways you’ve reset the clock with the three year old. Lovely as I’m sure they are!

No I dont, i wish id had mine earlier, I had her at 27

I think though the issue is your big age gap

If you'd had two or three with a 1 or 2 year age gap, you'd be closer to being done!

I was a slightly younger than you having my first and I'd had both my children by 22. Fast forward to now I'm late 40s with both of them financially independent. My career kicked off at 29. Now I'm no longer paying for them (in theory!) I shovel loads in my pension and I'm prepping for retirement at 58. The tricky part for you is the addition of the three year old because when my kids turned 12 and 15 I ramped up our holidays and we often went long haul.
A couple of my friends had their first babies a couple of years ago. They hadn't intended to have kids in their 40s but life happens. I look at us both in our different stages - they would never have wanted children as young as I had them and I wouldn't particularly want to have children the age they did but we are all super grateful to have our children.

Enjoy OP. Honestly, the time will fly past in a heartbeat. 20 years time your 3 year old will be adult, you'll be early 50s and entering a new chapter as a woman, a mother and a wife.

I have a grandchild now so it's curtailed me zipping around on holiday as much, but I'm loving grandparent life....all the fun and little of the responsibility.