To ask what it was like going to 3 children - 1 child very hard work.

[HonestBlueRobin]

Id love to hear opinions of anyone who has 3 children.... one or more which have neurodiversity or showing symptoms of same... I really want a 3rd child ... always thought I would. I am physically and mentally exhausted with my 4 year old who is most likely going to have Audhd diagnosis... he is very hard work and requires alot more working with than your typical 4 year old.... will I regret throwing a baby into the mix or will I regret not having a 3rd more... interested to hear how other people managed or even managed to decide not to have a 3rd.

We don’t have any ND as far as I’m aware but just went from 2-3 and it weirdly almost feels easier than it did going from 1-2.

Do you already have two children though (you’ve only mentioned one)? Whats their relationship and age gap like?

Sorry yes I already have two! There is 5 years between them!
Eldest is very easy! Youngest is difficult and most likely going to have AuDHD according to paediatrician... he is very very hard work.. I do feel stretched capacity wise but will it get easier when hes at school etc and maybe allow more time for a baby? I dont know 😩 I really wanted a 3rd...

stick to 2 for now. You are already stretched and your youngest will need your attention. I have 2 ND kids, youngest is a lot of work, its constant and full on and relentless. Eldest (7 year gap) avoids youngest as much as possible so that is sad too.

Going from 2-3 is a much easier transition that 0-1 and 1-2. However I would say all of my kids are neurotypical and actually just fairly low maintenance on general and even despite that I do find it challenging making sure they all get attention/1:1 time now that we’re out of the baby and toddler phase.

What age is your youngest?
I really would love another before im too old... or do I just call it quits and be grateful with what I have.

Ive heard so many people say this about easier going from 2-3... if I was guaranteed to have a chilled child like my 1st I could have 10! Hes very easily pleased and never causes a bother.... YET lol

My first is NT and really easy and chilled. Second and third both have autism and high needs. I obviously would never say I regret DC3, but it's been really hard to spread myself between all 3 DCs and I always feel like I'm never doing enough. It's getting more difficult as they get bigger and school is becoming more challenging, plus hormones are making everything worse and they seem to trigger eachother. Some days they can't even be in the same room without it triggering a meltdown. I think two is probably enough.

Honestly, I wouldn't. Your younger child is going to need more help throughout their life. It isn't fair to him or a theoretical younger sibling.

You say ND child is 4. So could be looking at starting school at a similar time to having a new sibling? That is 2 massive adjustments you are asking from a child, who presumably from your description, struggles with change. At the very very least I would wait until ND child is settled properly into school and I was confident that they will manage the setting comfortably.

I get that you want 3 and imagined that. I imagined 3 but given the time lost in needing fertility treatment and the difficulties I have faced with that I have come to the conclusion that I want to give my best to 2 children, not struggle to have a 3rd.

Don't do it.
Your children will suffer for your desire for a baby.
Almost every family I know with one or more ND children just don't get to enjoy being parents, needs often conflict, it's a constant juggle. DD is friends with a lad who is ASD and his 2 sisters are also ND, he is unhappy at home. I know someone else with one child who is ASD and the other ADHD and she admits it's impossible. Kids aren't happy and it's not the family dynamic she envisaged.
My DD is ASD and with hindsight (teenager now) I am so glad to have stuck at one. She has had all my love and support and is now thriving as a young adult

The theoretical third could have the same additional needs as your 4 year old. Or maybe not. Or maybe be ND with a totally opposing set of needs. How would you manage/balance that ensuring all 3 get the time, attention and resources they need?

Also, do not assume that things will get easier when your 4 year old goes to school, there is the potential that things get much harder.

Also…friendly reminder that there’s no guarantee your third would be a singleton pregnancy - twins and multiples are not as rare as you think, even with no family history, even with no IVF.

Honestly- don’t do it

if your 4 year old is suspected AuADHD then they are going to need a lot of help - once big school starts and then high school it will get harder and you are already exhausted.

Also how will you cope if the third is also AuADHD?

Wanting a third is about you not about what is best for the children you have.

I would just bear in mind that your eldest might be hitting teens when your youngest is also 3 (that's a difficult age for any child). It could get messy as teens aren't easy and it sounds like you are already distracted. I feel a bit sorry for your eldest. Does he get enough of your time? It must have been hard to have a sibling when so used to all the focus being on him, let alone a difficult sibling. Do you feel your eldest gets enough of your time and attention now? If not, I wouldn't dilute it further. It will probably get harder for both your children. Primary school years are the easiest for nearly all children. Secondary and teen years can raise issues you weren't expecting.

I do have 3 but my second was twins so I had no choice. I don't think I would have had 3 by choice. They get very emotionally demanding the older they get - mental health issues, worrying about their future - and very expensive. Mine are all late teens, but it's definitely as challenging as the toddler years.

I am currently at term with my third baby (but baby not here yet)!

My DC are 5 and nearly 3, neurotypical although I have been pregnant all the way through the 2yo tantrums.

This pregnancy has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My other pregnancies were very straightforward. This one I was at risk of loosing so was on modified bed rest for months. For months my DH did everything to keep family life running. My mental health was on the floor.

We survived is all I can really say. Thankfully my DH is amazing and his employer was understanding.

I am very much looking forwards to having 3DC but do consider how terribly hard pregnancy can be and what kind of support systems you would be able to lean on if needed.

I have three. They’re very chill and NT and it’s still bloody hard work! I really wouldn’t assume life will get easier for a little boy with AuDHD at school either - it’s highly possible to be extremely challenging (if you find him hard work 1:1, how will he be when it’s 1:30 in a classroom!) and it doesn’t take much searching on here to find out how draining it can be as an SEN parent with a child in school. Do you have loads of space and money for extra childcare? Do you work? How does your partner feel? i think the needs of your current children should come first and I can’t see how a baby would benefit them.

My first is ADHD & ASD and he was (is!) such hard work, I barely keep my head above water with him so I’ve never had a 2nd. DH still wants a 2nd, DS is now 8 and there’s just no way I could keep up with the needs of a new baby and my DS. The pressure would be horrendous.

Hi OP, my situation is pretty similar to yours.
I have 3 4.5years apart each, and my eldest aged 9 has an ASD diagnosis and awaiting ADHD assessment.My second is 4 nearly 5 and I also have a 4mo.

My two older girls are pretty hard work! Love them to bits but they are strong willed, boisterous sort of characters and quite demanding.Eldest can be mature and independent but also due to her difficulties sometimes can seem much younger than her age- needs alot of help to follow basic instructions with routines etc and struggles alot with emotional regulation.Her and sister fight alot.

In general, 3 can be an absolute juggling act as sometimes everyone needs something at once, the life admin, mess tidying and washing are crazy and I constantly feel guilty that someone isn't getting enough of my time.Most of the time life feels non- stop.
The newborn stage was particularly intense and for those first few weeks i had to accept that the house would be untidy, things would have to wait awhile to get done etc, as baby needed constant attention....do you have a supportive partner and/or network? My partner is a great hands on dad and has a weekday only 8-4 job which helps.

However I would never change it.....We were on the fence for a couple of years deliberating whether to have one more (think i read every post possible on here about the 3rd child) and finally went for it, and now so glad we did and both wonder why we didn't sooner.I don't think i could ever have got over the feeling of wanting another....I thought about it every day.The girls can find it abit hard sometimes having to wait to have their needs met, but absolutely dote on their little brother.I shared a book with my youngest daughter called 'Sophie and the new baby' which was lovely.I think involving your youngest and preparing them is key especially if they are ND.

As PP said, in some ways I have found going from 2 to 3 easier than 1 to 2 aswell- already used to juggling multiple children's needs/supervising them and also my eldest is at an age where she can help more than when I had just two little ones with her and her sister.
We don't have alot of money or a very big house but we make it work.
I am abit concerned how I will manage things when my Mat leave ends but will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I think trying to wait until your eldest is in school, and has been for awhile (at least maybe halfway through reception year) might be a good idea.I found it harder having a newborn and my 2nd still at home for afew months wheras when 2nd was born eldest had just started school, but they are two huge life events for a child so if they can be spaced abit apart it would be less for your 4yo to cope with as school might be alot for him.

Don’t do it. I was one of three and, looking back, my parents were seriously over-stretched even with a SAHM.

By the time I was in my early teens they seemed exhausted but they still had another decade to go to raise my younger sibling.

The problem is that life happens. In their case it was a serious illness and a financial crash, but who knows.

I would also say that you are in the ‘easiest’ part of parenting, with childcare available and not too much academic pressure. The education system requires a lot of input these days, especially for any child with an academic or social difficulty.
Also look at the wider economic picture of NEETs etc. You can’t necessarily assume that children are going to grow up and become independent by their early twenties. You may need to support them into adulthood…

Should add, I think making sure you have quality 1-1 time with your two older ones is very important, and to be ensure not to neglect the needs of the eldest, especially if they are 'easy' that might be a risk you need to look out for, that they are still seen and heard in the chaos.

Hi OP! I have 4 - they are 8, 4, 2 and 4 months. My 4 year old is ND - our main issue is speech and communication differences with some sensory sensitivities. He's just started reception and has an EHCP. It can be hard. I suspect my eldest (girl) has adhd but doesn't require a diagnosis as far as I can see so not pushing that (yet). In short, a big family is so much fun and I wouldn't change a thing. The children love each other and play so well - wherever we go, they already have their team and it's just brilliant.

For me, 3 was easier than 2 - I found 2 such hard work. And our third has been a Blessing for our ND son as he is quite immature and our 2 year old is his perfect play mate. She chats to him and he chats with her and is learning so much - it's such a wonderfully unexpected gift of having our third. Jury is out of the 4th as it's too early to say what this will be like haha

The other side of it though - I have had to take an extended career break from work to manage them all, especially the ND 4 year old. I was worried I would have others with the same issues and I would struggle to cope with this mentally (I am worried about my 4th but he's fine so far). There is love, laughter and so much happiness... but there are also so many fights, melt downs and days where we just don't do anything we planned which is so frustrating for everyone.

i guess what I'm trying to say is, only you can make the decision. Are the sacrifices you will need to make worth it? For me, that answer has always been yes! But it's a very personal thing to decide. Sending you all the very best. And if you do decide to go for a third - just go for it with an open mind and heart and try to live in the moment - don't overthink any of the possible challenges, life is always good and bad, it's what you make of it Xxx

I feel bad for your first. I bet he knows that you need him to be ‘easy’. His younger brother already takes a lot of your mental energy. And now a baby might be about to come along too. He will need to become even easier/ the babysitter for one or both siblings.

I have three. Mine all were v easy kids though. It is still such hard work unless you have family help. Or can pay for it.

my eldest has since become ND since Covid and it’s been a bloody nightmare. My DC3 has actually kept me sane as I love spending time with her

You already under pressure. Don't have a 3rd. It's not being a responsible parent in your situation.

You are physically and mentally exhausted. Your 4 yo is very hard work and requires a lot of work.

I’ve got 3 including 1 with autism.
Don’t do it stick with 2, it’s too difficult.

Jesus no. My three are 6, 5 and 3 and I can feel overstretched - none have any needs - I'd not manage if they did. Absolutely discourage you here!