To ask what it was like going to 3 children - 1 child very hard work.

[HonestBlueRobin]

Id love to hear opinions of anyone who has 3 children.... one or more which have neurodiversity or showing symptoms of same... I really want a 3rd child ... always thought I would. I am physically and mentally exhausted with my 4 year old who is most likely going to have Audhd diagnosis... he is very hard work and requires alot more working with than your typical 4 year old.... will I regret throwing a baby into the mix or will I regret not having a 3rd more... interested to hear how other people managed or even managed to decide not to have a 3rd.

As a parent of two NT teenagers I read your OP and just thought nope, don’t do it ! It doesn’t get easier ! Advocating for ND kids throughout school takes a lot of time and energy and even with my two being fairly low maintenance in many ways life is incredibly busy and we feel permanently stretched - I literally
cannot imagine having to factor another persons needs and wants - plus as others always say teens are expensive. I would have been tempted to nave third but now two feels like plenty!

My eldest has a learning disability, autism, adhd. I thought one more... second has autism and many health needs and while I don't regret it, it's very stressful and I feel very stretched. Don't do it op.

Thanks everyone for all your replies... this is pretty much what I expected and what I probably know deep down.
I dont assume itll be easier when hes at school I just mean I may have more time...
Im a nurse, work part time.
I do make time for my eldest and he doesnt have to be "easy" he always was... he had 5 years on his own remember... hes just a chilled wee boy. He gets 1-1 time with me, we spend Tuesdays together just us 2 (after school obviously for few hours or in holiday breaks its all day) I also make sure im at his football match every friday however I dont doubt he knows his younger brother is difficult and probably does think he requires my attention alot. I do my best with him and we have a great relationship.
I agree with alot of you, it worries me a 3rd child could also be ND. Youngest is in nursery to 1pm currently.
DP wants another.
Personally I feel DS is more ADHD however paediatrician has said there's a few autistic traits although he was declined from ASD service on two occasions... hes with community paediatric services.

I am physically and mentally exhausted with my 4 year old who is most likely going to have Audhd diagnosis...

I think it would be extremely foolish to have another child when you’re already struggling with two. Maybe things will settle down in a year or two and you could think about it then.

Having 3 is busy when they're little, but once they're all school age it gets trickier logistically because you can't be in 3 places at once. With just 2 children and 2 adults you can manage clubs, school meetings, etc much more easily.

I think there’s some truth in this. My eldest is 9 now and AuDHD. She would definitely be happier at home as an only child BUT having said that she also has a beautiful relationship with her younger sister (NT, as far as we can tell) when she’s not overstimulated. However they wind each other up terribly and it’s so hard as a parent. In your situation I absolutely would not add another child who will be a toddler just a the time your ND child is likely to start finding school hard so you’ll be lent on to put in extra scaffolding to support that. As a working parent I really struggle to find the time my eldest needs for school support and I worry about that in the dark hours of the night.

Just want to add having an ND child in school is much harder than having them in nursery as by Y2 the differences between them and their peers become much much wider and there’s so much emotional work to support their mental health (due to social rejection etc)

This. For a 4 yo to already have been identified & on diagnostic pathway he must have significant needs. This is going to get harder as. He grows not easier.

Stick to the battles you have already.

With three, even when both parents are present you can’t be 1:1. If you have a child who suddenly NEEDS stuff- to leave a venue, eat lunch, be taken outdoors - as it sounds like DC(4) does, the inability to be 1:1 is a problem. The other two will be lumped together. If the little one is similarly high maintenance, your oldest will just be marginalised

I say this as a parent of three kid BTW, middle one is a bit like yours (maybe not as extreme). Someone ends up compromising because he can’t, or his needs don’t get met and he melts

“School I just mean I may have more time”

Not really depending on the child

You may find lots of meetings, lots of half days, going into school and picking up quickly.

If you find him tough 1-2-1 then how is it going to be with educational pressure and 1-30 potentially.

You may have more time but the admin pressure will increase 100%

Read the thread on here about a posters eldest child feeling neglected due to their siblings ND.

Try thinking of your kids not yourself.

I have one with the same diagnosis. I am so glad we haven’t gone for a third. Not quite sure how our marriage survived the teen years as it was. We’ve already had to make so many sacrifices like working part time.

I know you think you want another but suppose number 3 has more needs than number 2 and you’re already stretched too far?

How does your eldest feel about siblings and do they get enough 1-1 time? How supportive is your partner and how good a parent is he? Are finances okay and do you have enough bedrooms?
If the answers to the above are positive then I don’t think number 3 is a definite no. Many ND children would actually benefit from siblings and the temptation to continually give into the youngest rather than help them adapt to the world as it is would be a lot higher than if they became the middle child.
My friends son with ASD is doing far better in life with siblings than my relative who is an only child with ASN as he’s always had everything fitting around him and has become very rigid as a result. Siblings can be very good for ND children, and also bear in mind 2-4 year olds can often be tricky behaviour wise and turn out to NOT be diagnosed and develop normally after all.

I have 3 kids all ND. Its been bloody hard work and still is now they're young adults.

I have 3. I’m from a big family so wanted 4 but age was against me.

Two of mine are ND - one ADHD with strong autistic traits but didn’t meet threshold for autism diagnosis). Not diagnosed until early teens. Youngest ASD and dyspraxia but not diagnosed until age 10. So I didn’t know we were a ND family when I made the decision to have 3rd but long story, knew we were a bit different. Two eldest both at University and youngest at home though doing A Levels and only now I’m reflecting how very hard it has been as I’ve been too busy with the doing.

I couldn’t say I wouldn’t have had 3 if I knew the challenges ahead as I adore each of mine and now they are older, we’ve accepted that there are upsides as well as downsides to our ND family. I know them now as wonderful human beings. But I’ve had to change jobs as although DH shares a lot of the burden and we are good at finding the humour in certain parenting challenges, there are many more challenges that go with youngest’s ASD that means one of us has to be more hands on. I’m often quite stressed though that could be because as a sanity saver I keep up with work, friendships, volunteering so that my life isn’t consumed by ND children but it’s busy as a result.

My middle one is the “easy” one but I know as they’ve told me that although we are very close, they try not to burden me like the other two and I feel very guilty about that.

And the expense of three is compounded by the additional tax of having ND traits and needs e.g. extra uniforms, certain foods, extra heating and energy costs because of sensory needs etc

I have 3, eldest highly functioning AuDHD but lots of MH issues. Didn’t have diagnosis until much later but she was always very tricky. Younger two NT and much easier. Split with dad, but he’s very involved still. I love them all obvs and my youngest is an utter joy but I do wonder sometimes if my elder two would have been happier if we’d stopped at just two-I find it hard to split my attention 3 ways (always firefighting), I can’t always taxi all of them where they need to be so there are always compromises on activities and I am not wealthy enough to fund everything they want so again there’s compromise. I also have a busy job that I love, so I just always feel like I can’t give anything enough attention.

Your partner might want a third, but realistically how much of the parenting is he doing? You're part time at work so I assume hes full time? How much "standard" parenting is he doing, and how many of the appointments/meetings/EHCP paperwork/DLA applications/general advocating/plethora of other things involved with a ND child is he doing?

Have you seen Outnumbered? It's like that. And all 3 are ND, late diagnoses.

I wouldn't change it, though.

Do you have a plan if the 3rd DC happens to have more severe ND than no 2? My friend has two boys with additional needs and I wouldn’t survive a few hours living her life, it’s very hard.
I’d use the “spare capacity” to make a fuss of your eldest who will no doubt be missing out on stuff if your 4yr old is demanding…

I haven’t read all the comments but please don’t think that once your 4yr old goes to school things get easier and you will have more time and capacity for a baby. In my experience and from many friends ND children need even more support throughout school and teenage years. It’s a different kind of support than when they’re young, more emotional and social plus managing changing sensory needs, then added hormones later in the mix! It’s a rollercoaster! Also fighting for support constantly throughout school, it’s brutal, it’s exhausting and many parents end up in burnout.
The other thing is. ND is genetic, so there’s a high chance of others in the family being ND - so you’re rolling the dice with higher odds that baby could be ND and potentially have more severe needs. How would that affect your whole family day to day? What if you couldn’t work? What if you were limited on holidays and days out etc due to sensory needs etc?

My DH is one of 3, the middle brother has autism and, while he became a functioning and quite pleasant adult, he was an absolute nightmare growing up. He was actually just physically hard to contain until age 6/7 when the behaviour escalated and it got WORSE. He was a danger to himself and others, was constantly getting into trouble, trying to get his siblings into trouble, wasn't sleeping, etc etc. The teenage years were hell for everyone.

It really affected DH's childhood, he ended up leaving the house at 17 as he just wanted OUT. They actually became good friends later in life and are now close.

The youngest HATED the middle one and to this day, they barely speak. They are civil but the youngest is honest that it just affected his childhood so much, he never got any attention or help with school, etc, because the middle one was so needy. Their parents admit the youngest was neglected throughout as the other brother was just so incredibly challenging as he got older.

I'd stick with 2. You have to think about your existing children first and foremost.

I was going to say, avoid only taking advice from those who have children under five or even under ten, as they are still in the young child phase. What you really need is advice from those parents whose children are mid-teens or older, as they can give the longer-range view.

Also take a careful look at the forthcoming SEND reforms and what they might mean for your children.

Slightly different scenario as we went 1-3 overnight as second was twins. My eldest has ADHD and can be violent to his siblings (he’s having extensive therapy for this).

we have good days and bad days like all families with ND children (and prob NT too!). What it’s meant for us was a lot of divide and conquer when they were younger, one would take our eldest and the other the twins, now jt means a lot is done as a family rather than with one parent as it’s too difficult to manage 3 with his extra needs. It’s exhausting but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t have chosen it though either, I’d stick with 2 in your shoes. Good luck OP it’s not easy