DS 12 cries in the mornings

[NorthernLassie21]

DS is 12 and in Y8 at an all boys school. Most mornings he will wake up and say he feels sick. He barely manages some breakfast. Today, being Monday, he was in tears when he got up, saying he didn't want to go to school. He set off to walk, but came back a few minutes later, in tears again, and eventually he went as the thought of being late was causing him more anxiety. This happens quite often.

He says there are no specific reasons, he's not being bullied, but it is just school in general. He's a sensitive, emotional boy and he found secondary school overwhelming from the start. He doesn't have any SEND needs. He has a small group of friends, he's bright and sporty. I'm sure once he is there he sees his friends and settles into the day. But he wakes up sad and anxious most mornings, and my heart breaks for him. I talked to his form tutor in Y7 and he let him choose who he wants to sit next to. Is this sort of anxiety around school fairly common and do you think he'll grow out of it? Is there anything I can do to help?

Oh this sounds absolutely miserable poor love and also quite unusual/extreme for a 12 yr old, so probably does need addressing. Might it be worth having a meeting with the school to see what else can be done? Are you sure enough that he’s in the right setting?

That’s quite a big reaction… he says there isn’t anything but I suspect there IS something going on at school… are you close to any of his friends parents? When did you last meet with the form tutor? Is there anyway that he might divulge what’s happening? Is it on particular days of the week that correlates to a certain lesson?
Are there sso’s at the school that he will confide in?

something is happening but I suspect he’s just not sharing..

There has to be something behind this and only he knows. Is his behaviour significantly different during school holidays?
Just because he says he isn’t being bullied doesn’t mean he isn’t so I really wouldn’t rule this out.
Is it the same level of anxiety every day or worse on certain days? Look for any patterns.
Could it be something on the walk there?
Is he a perfectionist and just putting too much pressure on himself to succeed?

This. I'd check again.

My son is the same age as yours and cry’s every night before bed at the thought of school, he has OCD and it’s the obsessive thoughts that cause the anxiety. Have you told school? Do school have a shine nurse or a life coach? Sounds like he could do with a few sessions with either one of those.

That’s really sad and you must be very worried about him. I’m inclined to agree with pp that there’s a bit more to this that he’s not sharing.

My dc are in their twenties now but I vividly remember times like this when they were around 12-14. It was almost always because of someone in their (alleged) friendship group being a cunt.

The only advice I can give is keep talking to your son, encourage him to talk to you about his situation and feelings as much as you can. It’s a fine line because you don’t want him to clam up but you have to keep the communication going. Good luck op, it sucks.

Poor boy, can you 100% rule out bullying? What about his phone? Can he access harmful content? What are his phone messages with friends or anyone like?

Aww poor kid! That must be awful for him. DC2 was a bit like this. It started in y8. Neither the school nor I had a clue what the issue was. It finally become clear at age 19 when they started uni - dyslexia, ADHD, autism. Obviously could be something at school he feels stressed about.

The dyslexia was never noticed because DC2 is bright and it is not that severe. The ADHD and autism were not noticed either because DC2 is a master of masking.

Oh OP I feel for you! Our now 14-year old had severe school anxiety for the whole of year 9 (an all boys’ school too)He felt sick most mornings, vomited at times. We had to start driving him to school. Some days, he wasn’t able to get in the car, let alone go to school.
On average, he’d be in school only 2 days a week.
The reason? We still don’t know, neither does he.

He took part in school group counselling, we spoke to the GP (adolescent counselling is not readily available sadly) and nothing really helped.

We paid privately for counselling and since then, things are so much better! Not sure what she did, but we have our boy back.

Now, he has only missed one day this term when he felt “nervous” in the morning.

Wishing you and your son all the best. x

Thank you everyone. You've all made some really good points here and I will try to dig deeper. He does have some minor OCD traits. He told me last night that he'd been worried about getting behaviour points (his worst nightmare) as he forgot some homework last week and was worried it would happen again. I think its general anxiety about all the little things that can happen at school. I have a 5 minute consultation with his form tutor next week so will see what support they can offer. He only has a brick phone and hardly uses it. He can be the same at weekends too, he gets anxious about football games. I will look into counselling to help manage his worries. Really appreciate all your advice x

Glad your DS is doing so much better x

Agree with others suspect there is something going on at school or something has happened possibly elsewhere. Bless him, hope it improves for both of you xx

My poor daughter is going through this with my grandson aged 13 and it's horribly upsetting to think he's struggling. His teachers/tutor have assured her that he's doing well academically, he has an established friend group but his attendance is getting worse and worse. She's got another meeting this week but until he opens up (and he insists nothing is wrong) she's just talking into the breeze. It's incredibly frustrating and worrying.

I suspect there’s more going on that you’re not aware of yet and I think you need to do some digging.

When my DS started secondary school, he really struggled in the first 2 years and it turns out he was being bullied by his former best friend from Primary school.

I didn’t discover this until the 2nd year summer holidays. I knew DS was having a hard time but he wouldn’t tell me why or who was involved. I think DS was partly shocked by the complete change of personality in his previous best buddy and we were good friends with the family so DS felt unable to confide in us.

It only came out as I was planning to invite the family to a garden BBQ and DS couldn’t face the thought of this lad being in his home and so he exploded with rage and finally told me what had been going on.

I immediately contacted the lads Mum and told her what had been happening and she read him the riot act and made him apologise to DS. They’re ok and civil to each other in school but not really friends anymore.

Definitely take him to see a proper councillor op (BACP). If there's something going on he can talk through it, and even if not they can help with his anxiety. He will probably only need 6 sessions. It will cost but if you can afford it so worth it.

That is very sad. Neither of my granddaughters are in school due to extreme anxiety. They are both Au/ADHD though. My daughter said she would no longer traumatise them by sending them into an environment they felt unsafe so she applied for EHCPs to put alternate provisions in place. I think if he is that unhappy you should explore other options for education.

I feel for him, bless his heart, and for you. I actually empathise with your son.
I do hope he outgrows this.

Sounds like he needs you to push for some cbt type therapy or whatever the use these days if he’s catastrophising and obsessing about behaviour points etc.

Both my DD and DS have been through this. The youngest is just coming through it in Year 9. I don't see it as extreme at all.

Are the older boys quite boisterous? Is there a lot of pressure to meet behaviour expectations?

Unfortunately being a smart kid and realising schools are just prisons for children comes with drawbacks.

My heart goes out to him. And to all the children being forced to continue this cycle of abuse.

I wouldn’t be so sure he’s not being bullied. He may not want you to worry. Don’t give up op.

No, it doesn't seem extreme to me either, maybe because I found secondary school overwhelming and was usually on edge for the first couple of years. Yes there's lots goes on with the older boys, in the stairwells and queues for the dining hall, and the school is very strict. I also think he puts a lot of pressure on himself, both at school and football. And he wants to fit in, without drawing attention to himself.

That must be a relief that your DD and DS are coming out the other end. Maybe it's all part of adolescence.

Or maybe it’s all part of being forced to be somewhere he doesn’t want to be and everyone acting like that’s ok becuase ”we all had to do it”.

Imagine if we told adults ”hey you have to be in this job and you can’t leave for a decade of your life, even if the environment is unsafe and it brings you to within an inch of your sanity. And oh by the way, the pay may or may not ultimately be enough”.

Unfortunately it’s the way the system is atm but I wish we would be homest with ourselves and with our kids that it is not ok. That it is a breach of their human rights and that a one size education that does not fit all, is not compensation.

Would we tell people in prison it was just their hormones if they were upset?
He has every right to be upset and I think we should validate our children’s feelings on that. Becuase “oh everyone has to go through it, I did so you do too” is how the system stays the same and never changes. And the cycle of trauma repeats itself.

I teach in a small, rural secondary (previously in a much bigger school). As a parent, I wish I didn't know how overwhelming the combination of much bigger, older children, six lessons a day and high expectations is like. It's tough for the quieter ones.

This is very common.

It’s so hard being a teenager and he’s just had a lovely 6 weeks holiday off in the sun and now he’s back to the drudgery of waking up early and having to get out of bed and get back to the routine.

This time of year can be more difficult than others. I know even staff feel a little overwhelmed at this time of year and everyone looks forward to the October half term.

Be a little bit gentler on him.
Make mornings as easy as possible.
He’ll likely be at the age where he needs time alone in his room in the evenings to relax which is fine.

If there are any clubs on then I’d encourage him to take one up as often these are great for self esteem.

He’ll get through it, it’s just hard as a parent watching them struggle as teens, especially if they were once confident and happier younger children.