DS 12 cries in the mornings

[NorthernLassie21]

DS is 12 and in Y8 at an all boys school. Most mornings he will wake up and say he feels sick. He barely manages some breakfast. Today, being Monday, he was in tears when he got up, saying he didn't want to go to school. He set off to walk, but came back a few minutes later, in tears again, and eventually he went as the thought of being late was causing him more anxiety. This happens quite often.

He says there are no specific reasons, he's not being bullied, but it is just school in general. He's a sensitive, emotional boy and he found secondary school overwhelming from the start. He doesn't have any SEND needs. He has a small group of friends, he's bright and sporty. I'm sure once he is there he sees his friends and settles into the day. But he wakes up sad and anxious most mornings, and my heart breaks for him. I talked to his form tutor in Y7 and he let him choose who he wants to sit next to. Is this sort of anxiety around school fairly common and do you think he'll grow out of it? Is there anything I can do to help?

Sorry but I completely disagree.

Everyone needs to get an education and everyone needs to go to work.

If you knew the long term effects on those who don’t go to school and the disadvantage this puts them at for life, then you’d likely reconsider your opinion.

If the current school is unsafe, then you find alternative schools, exactly the same as a job - you don’t just say you don’t need to go just because you don’t like having to get out of bed early or not play PlayStation all day.

Even celebrities teenagers moan about their lives and feel so hard done by because that’s how teens feel.

You wouldn’t allow them to make massive decisions because we know that at that age their frontal lobe hasn’t developed and so it’s up to us as adults to push them for what’s best.

you don’t just say you don’t need to go just because you don’t like having to get out of bed early or not play PlayStation all day.

I agree you wouldn't say that, but lots of families are now moving towards options like home educating, and I think many of the outcomes are actually better than being in school for some children.

Just because society has an established path doesn't mean we don't need to reassess every so often. Our children were once getting rickets working in mines, up chimneys and in workhouses - and I am sure plenty thought it was good preparation for Reality.

There could be something else happening as others have said, or a pattern of certain lessons or days. It could also just be school. Until mine started I hadn’t realised quite how stressful secondary school is now. It’s not just the work, hormones, finding your tribe, or avoiding the bullies; it’s the feeling that you can’t make any type of tiny slip up. It’s so different from my school life where working and not mucking around were sufficient to stay out of trouble at school. Now the basic rules still make sense, but they are hidden in a giant web of petty rules, control and disproportionate punishments and that’s before the spontaneous rules and sanctions.

I didn’t say education wasn’t important. I’m saying the current schooling systems one size fits all education is not fit for purpose. And that it is absolutely also a breach of human rights. I can choose to some extent as an adult when, where, how much and yes, even sometimes IF I work. Children do not have a choice.

Some schools might be safer than others. But that doesn’t mean they are ever safe. And most people can’t just change their kids school on a whim.

“Everyone needs to get an education and everyone needs to go to work”
You do know that’s not true right? It’s a lie we keep repeating to ourselves that perpetuates the cycle.

Plently of people live alternative lifestyles. That isn’t to say that they all thrive on them. But then, do those of us who live the norm always thrive? Look at the rates of depression, of people trapped in abusive relationships, of people who stay in jobs they hate because they think that’s just how it’s supposed to be. I wonder why, when for a very early part of their life they were trapped in a system they literally couldn’t leave.

Teens SHOULD feel hard done by. They are forced to be somewhere, often against their will. They have little right to choose the specifics. They are often deprived of much needed sleep as a result (at a time where their bodies need more sleep).

And frankly, after learning how to read, write and do basic math (which should only take a few years so why is is the current system struggling so much?)

• horrible histories and David Atinborough (sp?) and yes, even the playstation (well, n64 for me) provided me with far more valuable information and experiences in my youth than years stuck in some dusty classroom.

Stop gaslighting your teens. They have every right to be pissed.

If I kidnap you and say “hey you can go out at night and I’ll let you out in a decade and we will role a dice then and if it lands on three or six you will get ten million quid”. Do you take the deal? And if you do or don’t, do you respect other people’s rights NOT to take the deal? What if you have no choice one way or the other. Is that ok? Even though you might get compensation.

Just because it’s convenient for us to shove kids in school. Doesn’t make it ok. And “education” is not compensation - if they don’t choose it. Children are individual human beings, not extensions of us.