Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

I have ADHD and one thing is that urgency is a known powerful motivator. There is nothing more urgent than losing custody of your kids, so whatever is stopping you from tidying up it is probably not ADHD.

Also I want to say I was a lay member of the childrens’ panel as it was then and the system is designed to be as empathetic as possible whilst obviously focusing on the best interests of the child / children.
in those days VERY few people brought a legal representative but often folk bought friends/ church minister
etc .

I've name changed for this one.

As others have said, A children's hearing is part of the legal and welfare systems in Scotland; it aims to combine justice and welfare for children and young people under 18. So it isn't a pre-hearing the way some people on here are thinking of it.

A Children's hearing in Scotland IS a legal hearing and decisions made by the panel(s) are legally binding. It is conducted in a more informal setting than a full court room and the panel members receive training so that they can serve on a panel.

The over-riding considerations in the decision making made by the panel are entirely on what is in the best interests of the children involved. There will be reports from everyone involved, including school, Social Services and an opportunity for everyone in attendance to have a say in the discussion.

I have been on both sides of this over the years - my 14/15 year old son was getting himself into a lot of trouble and in dangerous situations and was beyond my control. We were subject to SS involvement and the children's panel which included him being put into Foster care for about a year. It was hard, someone else was looking after him, but it was the best thing for him and when he came home after that year, he had settled down a lot. He is now a responsible human being with children of his own and a lovely person of whom I am very proud.

20 years later, I was so thankful to the Children's Panel for helping us when life was very tough, I volunteered to be a panel member and sat on one for a few years.

I have no doubt at all that you love your children, @wishingstaar12 but loving them is not enough if your own mental health means that you are unable to give your children what they actually need. You raise some important concerns that you have about the living arrangements at their Dad's in your posts and you do need to raise these issues at the hearing - the smoking, the sleeping arrangements etc. and they don't sound ideal, but they may still, as a matter of actual fact ( not judgement) be better for your children than to continue staying with you. The fact you have been the main carer most of their lives isn't relevant here, nor is how little their Dad has seen them in the past. The issue at hand is what the position is right now and that's what you need to focus on.

You may have ADHD as well as anxiety and depression, so no-one will be judging you for having those, I feel for you - but the issue will be whether you are able to turn things around for your children so that they don't suffer as a result. Sounds like this is the first panel you will be attending? If so, just be honest about what you are trying to do to improve things and as I said already, express your concerns and why about them living with their Dad. I suspect SS have already visited the Dad's home and presumably, their Granny will be willing to help, if they live together. Panels often decide for certain things to happen and then there may will be another hearing scheduled for some time ahead to see how things are going, depending on what the panel decide.

You do not HAVE to have a lawyer to speak for you, although you can, but the hearings, while being legal and do follow some process formality, are done as informally as possible and you will be able to say exactly what you want to say. (I don't think I ever saw someone bringing a lawyer with them, although some brought a friend or other family member.) As others have also said, write it all down before hand, but please bear in mind that saying you have ADHD, anxiety and depression may be a reason why you are struggling, but it won't help towards the decision the panel make, if you use it as an excuse for the situation right now. People will be very sympathetic towards you if you are struggling for these reasons, but the ONLY thing they can make a decision on is what is best for your children. Arguing that these things are the reason why you aren't coping, may very well be true and that if you could get medication everything will be fine, will not help the panel reach a decision right now. I hope you can see the difference?

I wish you well and hope things improve for you

hello, depending on where you are in Scotland you may have an uphill battle to keep them my local SW are notorious for taking kids from mums and making up stuff

It depends. OP may be able to provide some care to a very high standard and other parts not to an acceptable standard at all. I think she's said enough for people to understand that the house is in a terrible state. Someone upthread said they got half an hour of help a day. That might be all it takes to get things to an acceptable standard and keep them that way. I'm frequently astonished by how much NT people can achieve in half an hour a day! If that small investment could keep her kids with her it would be much cheaper for the state overall and obviously a better outcome for the family if other aspects of care are acceptably managed.

The OP stopped posting at 13.28; her last post was deleted by MN. I do not know what it said.

My guess is that she is not able to benefit from advice from a forum such as this. I feel very sorry for both her and her daughters.

You sound like you are just sitting around wringing your hands and waiting to be diagnosed, then medicated, then you think all your problems will be solved.

Firstly, there is no guarantee of you getting a diagnosis in the timescale you need it to happen in order to keep your children with you. Secondly, even if you did get a diagnosis, there is ABSOLUTELY no guarantee that you'll be prescribed amphetamines. Stop waiting and having a helpless, victim mindset and thinking you can't improve any of these things yourself. You can. It's hard, but you can. You'll never be perfect or the most tidy and organised woman on the planet, but you can be better than you are, if you really want to be. You just need a plan, a system and you need to force yourself to stick to it. daily checklists, schedules, timetables, reminders and a bit of discipline.

It sounds like you are resigned to not being able to improve in any way without amphetamines. They would help, but they are not going to perform miracles if you don't have it in you to make a substantial effort as well.

A person with severe ADHD won't be able to sit down and read a book how to organise their life, it doesn't work that way

This sounds awful for everyone.

What has been the issue in getting legal advice? You can’t find a solicitor or no appointments etc? Have you spoken to citizens advice? Women’s aid? You really have no time to lose in getting legal advice imo. I would spend your time getting advice and organising your home so your children have that.
best of luck to you. X

This isn’t helpful really! It’s scaremongering and not factual in any way…

I've got some experience of the children's panel and it is really stressful.

What do social work want to achieve by having them live at their dads? How do the dad and grandma feel about having the kids there full time?

Has anyone ever offered you tenancy support? It is where a support worker comes for a few hours a week and can help you get on top of household tasks, bills, etc.

Will living at their dad's help them get back into education? I'm sure that will be a major concern of social work.

Can your 14 year old help you to sort your house out?

Don't overestimate what medication can do for you. It can help quiet your mind and give the dopamine needed to start tasks, but it won't make you organised, you have to learn it yourself. It's also a long process (months) to find the right medication type and the dose. It really isn't some miracle fix that will take your ADHD away and turn you into Martha Stewart. I recently started titration for the meds and honestly I can't even see a difference apart from being more tired in the evening when they stop working. I had high hopes like you that they would change my life but no they won't, I still need to put in the work. Some people say they work well for them, but many stop taking them because they see no sense. There's a huge ADHD community on Reddit where people share their experiences, you can find it by googling eg "reddit adhd medication". Good luck!!

This may be outing but I have a family member who has had social services involved over the years with her children due to the state of
their house. It was at the point where there was rubbish bags in the living and bedroom areas, piles of stuff, nothing clean, you needed to make a tunnel to get to the front door.

My grandma and my uncle gutted the place multiple times over the years but it just keeps accumulating. She loves her children, I have no doubt of it, but it’s not enough to
sort it. We feel very helpless but there’s nothing we can do and we have had to take a step back, but of course I feel awful for my nephews.

I’m writing this because this has been ongoing for years, she kept both of her kids social services never took them away and they have been involved since the start, but the eldest boy is now a teenager and is very troubled. Doesn’t go to school and comes and goes from their residence and spends time at his friends or girlfriend’s. Social services are involved for that reason now. Despite this, she has still kept her children living with her. I’m not sure if this is reassuring not but I know that the bar must be very very high for them taking the kids away, at least where she lives (England).

I will say though, please if you can’t take care of your home pay for outside help to set you back to zero and just keep your belongings to a minimum. I say this without a solution for my family member. I doubt she likes living this way, but she can’t help it. I really feel like it’s some kind of illness or blindness to it. It’s horrible to witness though.

Whereabouts in Scotland are you lovely? Im in Glasgow and I understand what you're going through x

But can't you see that if a person has a disability to the extent that they just can't look after their children something has to happen? The SW's priority is the children and they shouldn't have to live their lives in chaos so the OP has to accept that she either pulls her resources together and makes some changes herself or the children will have to live elsewhere. The children can't wait.

I have professional experience of attending Children's Hearings, which is unique to Scotland.
Not sure what information you have already been given, but this website is helpful www.scra.gov.uk
I'm assuming that the Hearing that you're attending on the 20th is a Grounds hearing. Yourself and the children's father should have received the papers for the hearing. A Children's Hearing is very child focused, children are normally expected to attend their own hearing, unless they have been excused by the Panel, due to their age or if attending would place their welfare at risk. Their views should have been ascertained by the allocated social worker. An advocacy worker may be suggested, to meet with the children and ascertain views. A Safeguarder may be appointed by the Panel at the Hearing. A Safeguarder is independent of the local authority, reporter and panel members. Their role is to safeguard the interests of children, to give them a "voice".
A Children's Hearing is as relaxed as it can be, and the Hearing room will be child friendly.
Wishing you all the best, and I hope that you can find a solicitor.

Are you saying that I shoplift? That OP shoplifts? Are you saying we’re scummy people? It’s the name of a Smiths song. Not the smartest are you? Showing yourself up 🤭

op is it a hoarding issue? Im asking kindly as they take that quite seriously. And are you on good mental health medication and therapy?

Are they aware your husband has drugs and the bedroom situation?

The alternative is foster care so please think carefully whether you would rather this than living with their father. I can’t imagine what youre going through. All you can do is showing you are listening to everything they say and every day when you wake up, push the next step you need to do.

Neither of op’s children are in school. There are far bigger problems here than needing someone to come in and with the washing up.

I don’t think you should be looking for excuses such as having undiagnosed ADHD. It sounds as though you’ve left it too late. I’m not trying to be harsh, more a ‘tough love’ approach. I thinks it’s awful and really sad for children to be separated from their mothers and I would be devastated to be in that position myself, so I do feel for you but you would have been given a lot of time and opportunity to make things right and maybe you’ve only started taking it seriously now you’re at the point you’re going to actually lose them. No more excuses, just crack on and sort the house out and whatever other changes they want you to make

If there is a working shower, food and drink, toothpaste, clean clothes etc then it’s a better option. That or foster care. Children tend to prefer not to do that.

It’s hoarding illness and needs treatment

Some peopla are waiting a year or more did medication, my brother has been waiting nearly a year, a friend more than a year. It might not be the pills in short supply but the wait for titration to work out the dosage required. This is the inevitable effect when every other person gets diagnosed with ADHD.