Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

The level of denial OP is exhibiting is actually deeply troubling. I genuinely wish you the very best OP but you need to snap out of this trance you appear to be in and realise that THIS is it. This is your very last opportunity to stop your girls’ lives being uprooted and forever changed. Do what you need to do and forget the excuses or you’ll lose your girls. Please.

I have Parkinson’s and Multiple Sclerosis along with chronic fatigue syndrome. I’m a widowed mum to a child with learning difficulties and autism. I cannot tell you how hard it’s been to keep this house clean and tidy and tbh it’s never as tidy as I’d like it to be but whose is?! Seriously though, I’ve genuinely crawled along the kitchen floor when I’ve been too dizzy to stand up, just to tidy up and clean the kitchen like I do every night. All so that my girl wakes up to a clean and tidy kitchen as well as the rest of the house. Kitchen is always the hardest, right?
I’ve been horizontal all day today due to dizziness, stiffness & pain but nobody else was going to cook dinner for my DD so I had to prop myself up, take a caffeine tablet (even though they interfere with my meds) and twice the maximum dose of painkillers and cook so that my child’s needs were met. If I didn’t, that would be neglect. Now, having Parkinson’s and MS would be an understandable excuse BUT it still wouldn’t justify neglect. Why? Because nothing does. Nothing justifies not meeting a child’s needs and a parent not keeping the house clean, tidy(ish) and functional, IS neglect whatever excuses or reasons are given. It is.
I’m not getting at you or attacking you, I’m just trying to help you see that whilst you do have understandable reasoning for getting to the stage you’re at, you don’t have justification. BUT you can change that. You can change that right now.

Good luck 💞

The state of your house has to be really bad and a health and safety risk for a social worker to consider that when deciding to remove the girls from you.

I will be blunt, you need to work on it as soon as possible - can you pay someone £100 to do a super quick deep clean for you after you declutter and then keep on top of the housework?

However, if you are so poorly with mental health problems that it is getting in the way of you maintaining a safe and clean environment for your children, then you need to accept that your children will be moved to a better environment.

Use their absence to work on your mental health, getting better and then trying to maintain the house for them.

I am sure your social worker will then be happy to work with you in getting the girls back - they really do not want to break families unless there are genuine concerns.

Edit: Good luck OP xx

OP I also want to kindly add, that whatever you do, don't say anything negative about the children's father, they don't take kindly to this either. Even if he's a useless sod, even if everything you want to say is completely true, just don't say it, because they like to twist these things. I have a friend whose ex was doing drugs (and it was true, I'd seen her smoke a joint then drive home), and he told social services and they used this to continue to build a picture of him as being abusive towards her and guilty of parental alienation...

@wishingstaar12 from what you said your children are 14 and 6 years old. You have been a mum to them for a long time. Did something change for things to get out of hand? Are you ok some pf the time but not other times. Are you finding it hard because it feels hopeless.

Probably sounds silly but i set myself challenges. I see how much i can do by the end of a song. Or how much i can do in 10 mins. I also try not to look at the room as a whole. I fo a section at a time. Like i can how see 3 foot of floor. I will clean more and add another foot of clean floor i now and 4ft of clean floor a section at a time.

I am just woundering though. If the worst was to happen and the children were taken from you. Would you clean once they are gone in order to try and get them back? Or would you stay in the mess permanently. The reason i ask is I'm thinking if you can do if after to try and get them back then you can do it before. Before you loose them. Obviously I don't know your answer. I'm just hoping you can do something before it's to late.

What have social services done to help you in a practical way?

Severe ADHD can prevent someone from being to do these things in more or less absolute terms. You sound like you're doing a fantastic job overcoming your own issues but they're not the same as what the OP's living with. OP is not in denial - it's clear she's really worried and wants to try to find a way to parent to an acceptable standard but you cannot solve a severe neurotransmitter imbalance with effort and willpower. It's not that kind of problem. It does sound like, together with the anxiety and depression, it's actually disabling her more or less completely and as such I think she will need outside help, medication or both.

I agree with this, you can push for tutors to be put in place, whilst you're applying for the ehcp if anxiety is what is causing school refusal. I also home educated my daughter not realising I didn't have to take on the responsibility, and could have requested her education be arranged by the LA, outside of a school building.

I have ADHD and I understand exactly how hard it is. I'm now diagnosed and medicated, thankfully, which definitely makes keeping on top of things easier, but even before I was medicated I HAD to keep our home clean and safe for my son (I'm also a single parent). It was never a show home, I don't think it will ever be one, but I had to put every ounce of effort into being a parent, that's the most important thing.

I could admit to myself that ADHD was possibly (probably?) the main reason I struggle/struggled, but I would never use it as an excuse to other people, particularly professionals.

I agree with PP saying why don't you use the money you're saving for diagnosis to pay for a professional home organizer to come in and blitz the home, then a regular cleaner. I guarantee that will look much better to social services.

If you are at this point in proceedings, there will have been many opportunities to address social services concerns before now.

I have worked in social care for many years. The threshold for removal is high. It doesn’t come out of nowhere.

I wish you well OP but I suggest you start being honest about what has actually happened here.

Sympathies OP, I am your age and have 2 girls. I have multiple sclerosis and ADHD and whilst both suck ADHD has had a much bigger impact- totally life destroying. Those saying just force yourself don’t get it. It is so hard to keep a clean house, everything just spirals and grows into a monumental task. I do the timer thing: it can’t be long, 15 minutes in one room. Stop, have a tea, then again. I have also found that if I’m not brutal getting rid of clutter I spend the entire time just moving piles of stuff from place to place. The job can’t be “clean the house” it has to shrink down to “clean the sinks”. Make 3 big piles, donate, recycle, throw out and be ruthless. You might have to ask for help. A friend or a cleaning service for a big reset.

Doesn’t actually matter what it is if you’re an unfit parent.

@apeaceful2026no EHCP in Scotland.

You’re getting some good advice here and I wish you all the luck in the world. You sound like a very honest, loving person who wants to change for the better and I really hope things work out for you ❤️

This is going to be blunt… All I’m seeing is excuses. As a former teacher I worked closely with social services and know how high the threshold is for kids to be removed. Some of the meetings I attended were genuinely heartbreaking but a child was only removed in one instance. You need to be more honest, they are not looking to remove them over a slightly dirty or untidy house. There has to be some serious concerns. I don’t buy ADHD or depression as being a reason for not keeping on top of housework either. Keeping a safe and clean environment is a basic expectation of a parent as is sending them to school. As others have said you need to start making changes and stop making excuses.

you clearly have never suffered with your mental health and abuse from the other parent in terms of neglecting to step in, to the extent that op and many others of us have....she also says she has no family or friend support.

IEP, apologies, for not checking.

ADHD is a disability in its most severe form (even if milder forms are more accurately described as a condition) and not being able to keep on top of housework is one of the most well documented and scientifically evidenced symptoms. The cause is neurotransmitter impairment - something that cannot be overcome with will power or effort unless incredibly mild. That doesn't mean the authorities shouldn't intervene but we need to be clear that disability is not the same as an attitude problem. Depression and anxiety will likely compound issues with executive function. Outside help would be the most appropriate solution if available.

With all due respect, having social services involved 4 times means there was at points in your life when they needed to be! Most people never have them involved once.

@wishingstaar12 How unclean is your home? I suspect there’s a high level of minimising your home conditions and the fact that there is a court hearing , your
children have been impacted by neglectful home conditions.

I have been a social worker for almost 15 years, for this to get to court, you would have been given ample opportunities to make changes.

Do the children have clean bedding? Do they have bedding ? Is there clutter everywhere? Do you have animals, if so is there urine and faeces on the home? Do you put washing away or is it all on the floor alongside other crap? Are there flies in your home , surfaces unclean , food in the cupboard ?

Im assuming you don’t work? Nothing more frustrating that a parent not working and have 6 hours to clean and lack the ability to do so even if it’s impacting on their kids!

Also, your children not going to school means their education is impacted and they are just at home living in port conditions.

adhd/ mental health , you still need to make changes NOW

@apeaceful2026 That’s a pretty wild assumption you’ve made there and completely untrue. You have no idea what I have gone through. The difference is that no matter how challenging things were, I always put my DC first.

Because you weren't disabled by your conditions to the point that you couldn't function sustainably. It's not a moral issue, some people are living with a level of impairment that cannot be overcome regardless of effort. Which isn't to say I'm not glad you were able to achieve what you did for your own kids.

The point is that social services do not remove children due to anxiety and depression, or a messy home.

Now I’m not doubting that the OP has those conditions, what I’m questioning as a professional in this area is how honest the OP is being about what is really going on here.

Yes, but in the end it is the children who are the most important people to be considered. They are the ones who need the stability of having a basically clean home, being fed, appropriately clothed and kept clean, healthy and warm as well as being properly educated. These are surely the basic levels of childcare. I am truly sorry that many women, including you, have suffered at the hands of their husbands or have chronic mental health conditions but, even with all this, the children have to be a priority and it is not fair to them if they have to suffer because of their parents’ chaotic lifestyle. I suspect that @wishingstaar12 is failing in all these areas because social services would not be intervening to this extent otherwise. Sometimes, sadly, love is not enough.

@functionallyimpaired
But surely if things are that bad then the kids are better off out of the situation? At least temporarily! Social services are stretched to the limit, if they are even involved things must be pretty bad, this is further emphasised by the upcoming court hearing. I don’t feel we are being told the full story here!

There is some useful information here OP
https://www.mygov.scot/legal-aid/childrens-hearings

It's often focused on people because of their characteristics, not their parenting. So it's not uncommon for it to be repeated unjustly. And that's self-reinforcing; they are automatically more concerned, because there have been previous referrals.

One third of children are referred to SS at some point in their childhood, and one quarter are put on a CiN (some for disability-related reasons) or CP plan. Do you actually think that many parents are inept?

Much of it comes down to prejudice against disabled parents, alternative lifestyles (e.g. my daughter is home educated), abuse & manipulation by the other parent, poverty, or some combination of those.

If they needed to be involved, then why do I still have my child, when I haven't changed how I parent? Either they haven't done their job because they should have taken her and didn't, or they haven't done their job because they never should have been involved (past the immediate investigation of a referral).

I hope all these people who think there is no smoke without fire never come into contact with SS, or they may be in for a rude awakening. It might be comforting to think that bad things don't happen to people who don't deserve them, but in reality that's not the case. Sometimes children are taken away when they shouldn't be.