Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

I don't think I've ever read a post about social services that tells the whole, honest story. The OP hasn't said why social services got involved or what are the very serious risks to the children that mean theyr'e recommending they no longer continue living in their home. A bit of a messy home absolutely isn't a problem. Social services have zero time and resources. It has to be really bad to get to this kind of level.

This cant just be a messy house and you cant blame potential ADHD either. When I was pregnant, extremely sick due to developing and autoimmune disorder, and vomiting 20 hours a day, every day and unable to drag myself upstairs, my house definitely suffered, paramedics put in a referral on one of the visits to take me to hospital. Was the kick up the arse i needed, and before social services even had the chance to come out, id dragged myself round the house with my sick bowl on my hands and knees and cleaned 3 storeys and 4 bedrooms from top to bottom, because they needed a clean home despite my illness. I also have adhd and autism. No excuse. Clean your house...

"Id do anything for my kids" except clean up or pay for cleaners it seems.

I'm unsure what you wanted from this post, because you know what needs to be done. Were you just looking for ways to get your ex to look more unfit than you?

Op, I used to sit on the Children's Panel, how old are your children? Their views matter here and someone should have taken their views to present to the panel, or they can speak to the panel themselves if they're old enough and feel able to. It is imperative that their views are known at the panel if they do not want to live with their dad.

You need to ask what assessment has been done of Dad as an appropriate and safe place for them to be. And also the other people in that home.

They'll want to know things like, what changes have you made to make sure the girls have everything they need, how's school attendance, are they clean and fed etc.

What kind of support would make things better for you too? Put the ADHD diagnosis to the side for the.moment, because they can't help with that and it won't immediately change thiings. Think practical stuff that social work can actually help with, what have the offered and have you taken it up.

Me too unfortunately.

What do you mean abuse by a partner neglecting to step in! That's not abuse! When relationships break down it's pretty normal for the kids to end up with mum most of the time, that's not abuse, that's because dad's can't usually juggle kids much with full time working. Unfortunatelyin this case dad doesn't sound the most capable does he when uses substances but if the kids do go and live with him, then he has stepped in.
Whatever excuses you want to make, it's too bad a situation for those kids to be stuck in.

They don't go to such extreme lengths and behave like you and the people around you are potentially dangerous to the child for a bit of dog hair on trousers! There's obviously aspects of your life and the people you associate with in your life that they don't like! This is not about a bit of dog hair!

If you can’t get legal aid lawyer see if you can atleast get an advocate to ensure you feel heard.

if you are in Scotland I would see if you can refer yourself to organisation like Safe Families or Home start and see if they can support you to address the house. Could you also get support from Adult’s Social work?

do the children want to go to their dad as that will also have some weight in the hearing.

I wish I could come over and help you get the house up to standard. If you were local I would so where are you based? Read about body doubling for ADHD this will make sense.
you said you been saving for your assessment but honestly the money would be best spent hiring Cleaners to clean the house a lot of cleaning companies advertise help for hoarders and you might find them more sympathetic. As far as social services are concerned what practical help have they actually offered you other than criticising The state of the house. Contact CORAM education law line for some assistance regarding the school and attendance issues and make getting public law representation an absolute priority! Your local citizens Advice should have a list of local solicitors. Also check out the guides on the advice now web site.

www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/childrens-social-services

Social services are always stretched to breaking point, they don't try and take kids away for the fun of it! What benefit do you think they get from it? If they are on a person's doorstep it's because concerns have been raised! They don't sit with a street map and throw darts at it to decide which doors to knock on!

I can only speak from my experience and knowledge of friends

I don’t think OP is coming back but just in case you are privately reading this OP, I would be careful about getting the girls to say they don’t want to live with their dad or raising issues with his living conditions.

I know someone who SS decided it wasn’t safe for her child to live with her. The dad didn’t actually want the child to live with him so the result was the child was taken into care.

Therefore you could end up in a situation where your children don’t live with either of you and are instead with a foster family. Would you rather that than have them live with their dad?

I think you shouldn’t be focusing on their dad’s living conditions (as that has no bearing on whether or not they are removed from you) or any potential ADHD diagnosis (as it’s not a silver bullet and will cost you a lot of time and thousands in diagnosis and medication before you will be granted shared care under the NHS) and instead focus on the key concerns SS have which are likely to be the cleanliness, health and education of your children.

Wait till it happens to you. They weren't objecting to anyone I associate with (not even my ex, who is actually abusive!).

The biggest criticism they had was that she hadn't been to the dentist (there was nothing wrong with her teeth then; she didn't have any dental issues till years later). I didn't know any children her age (4 at the time) who had a dentist then, as none of them were taking new patients. The only reason she got a dentist is that SS made a community clinic take her on as a patient. So if that's what counts as neglect, every parent in the area was neglectful. The other stuff was on the level of the dog hair.

None of us know the actual details of the OP's life. But I do know that SS are often unreasonable, and advice should not be given on the assumption that they are. The attitude seems to be that the OP must actually be locking her children in a faeces-ridden cupboard under the stairs, or SS wouldn't be concerned.

Ask for a safe guarder they will meet with everyone involved and give the panel a full picture.

The 14 year old cannot become responsible for running a home and keeping it clean, she's missed two years of school that she needs to catch up on if she is to have any career options and she and her sibling need to be in school ASAP! The OP will start relying on her!

No, it's because we were in family court and my abusive ex was very good at manipulating authorities and convincing them I was a terrible parent. Combined with the fact that I am autistic, and they didn't like or understand me.

But their justification for putting her on a CP plan were pretexts like the dentist and the dog hair. Because they couldn't find anything actually concerning.

And yes, I do think it's foolish not to heed warnings from someone who has been through this. You'd rather assume I deserved the treatment they gave me (which our whole family was traumatised by), rather than accept that the professionals might have been in the wrong.

You are in denial! It won't happen to me because my partner didn't want kids. It doesn't happen to most people! Of all the parents I've ever been related to, friends with, worked with, not one has ever had a knock at the door from social services! You've obviously had some real issues to have years of heavy legal problems, the police bring brought in because SS are not even trusting who you leace kids with! That doesn't happen because a 4 year old hasn't seen a dentist or there was dog hair on trousers! Most parents never get a knock at the door so stop convincing yourself otherwise.

You are grasping at excuse now! Kids aren't removed from people and heavy police safeguarding brought in because they just don't like autistic people! Being as every other parent swears blind to being autistic and ADHD these days, social services are going to be busy removing half the country's kids! Perhaps they get tired of every parent they deal with using autism and ADHD as an excuse for everything! The amount of excuse making on this thread with it is bad enough, I dread to think what it's like for the SS.

They automatically police check anyone you want to leave a child with if they are on a CP plan (except they never did it for the friend I asked them to check, so I couldn't leave my daughter with her). That wasn't something done specially for me, because I hang around with criminals (I don't).

One third of children are referred to SS at some point. More than half, in the most deprived areas. So maybe you are privileged enough to have a group of friends/colleagues who are less likely to be discriminated against. Or maybe they just don't tell you when it happens, because you would assume they deserved it.

You have no idea about my life. Do you always just come on and post daft, cheeky comments? Is this normal behaviour from you?

It's not discrimination! You've got chronic persecution complex! Deprived areas are where child neglect largely is! It's where single mothers sit and have large families with absent dad's that they can't cope with! Deprived areas are where kids are most likely to have heavy drug or drink users as parents! But let's tell SS to leave those kids to rot eh!

You think half of families in deprived areas are neglectful enough to need SS involved? That's a rhetorical question, by the way. It's just to illustrate your level of classism.

First of all have a hug, and I am so sorry some people are being horrible.
Do your best to cooperate - social workers tend to take any sort of discussion as you being "obstructive" and tell you you are defensive - of course you are being defensive - your whole reason for existence is at at risk but you are NOT being obstructive. Make a list of what you are doing, what you are achieving, what your girls want to do, what you are doing for your girls. Try and involve them in working towards SMALL, ACHIEVABLE, targets - so, for example, cleaning the kitchen seems like a huge task. Cleaning one area of the kitchen may not - and may then seem like an achievement and enable you to do more of it!
GOOD LUCK - hope it goes well xxxxx

Could I just gently say, as a member of a Christian church who offers all kinds of community support, our ultimate aim isn’t ‘to attract you into their church’. Yes, we offer all kinds of things to love others with the love that we have from the God that we believe in, but it’s 100% no strings attached. We are simply happy to help. If people want to come to church then that’s lovely and they are welcomed, but it’s irrelevant otherwise. It’s a command to love others and we try to do it well. It’s certainly not a secret mission to ‘convert’ anyone or to do anything else. It’s 100% no strings.