Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

.........and like you I'm convinced I have undiagnosed ADHD

OP's is diagnosed, though.

OP is in Scotland, the system is different, though the principle is the same that recommending a change of care arrangements is a last resort.

maybe you should back off and stop being so unkind

The OP’s post says “I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD”

Yes, that's true. If there's help available to keep the house up to standard though then that could be a solution. If there aren't other concerns which there may well be.

The OP is in Scotland, the process is that she’ll go to a Children’s Hearing, which is a tribunal type setting. It’s not a court. The panel consists of three trained volunteers who will weigh up all of the information provided and decide whether a Supervision Order is required, the Supervision Order legally compels the parents to work with services and can make a condition of residence which determines where the children will live, eg with mum, with another parent, a member of extended family or be taken into care. It’s completely different from the rest of the UK.

And in another thread she says it's diagnosed.

It is a Children's Panel Hearing which is the system used in Scotland for protecting children and their welfare. The Panel is composed of volunteer lay people (members of the public) who get training in the Panel system and children's welfare issues. Hearings are meetings rather than court sessions and all parties, including children if old enough and able, can give their views to the Panel and answer Panel questions. Reports ('Grounds for Referral') will also have been prepared for the hearing. Although not courts, the recommendations of the Panel have legal status.

What were the reasons that SS got involved in the first place?

How often does their dad see them?

I would absolutely bring up the concerns you have but in a way where you’re not slagging the dad off.

They will weigh up how both homes are not perfect (none are) but which one is better for them right now.

The reality is that you are struggling mentally and physically, whilst he is not and he has his mums help whilst you have no one.

They will take into consideration how you’ve been their main carer and I would remind them of this.
If you’ve also lived in the same place for a long time then you can provide them with a stable home, whereas he’s living with his mum.

However, I do wonder if for your own sake as well as your DCs, if this would be a better temporary solution.
I assume you’d still be given weekend access etc.

You would have been given multiple chances to improve your situation before it came to this and for whatever reason you didn’t/couldn’t.

You are struggling and it’s not fair he gets to play Disney dad whilst you do all of the hard work.
Perhaps swapping roles would be a good idea.

You do not mention how or who got you involved with ss in the first place?

Since they mentioned the condition of your home what exactly did they say was wrong with it?

You have about 9 days to get it cleaned up I think people could make suggestions to help you if you talk about what exactly are they saying is wrong

I think you need to look at this a bit more rationally. Many parents, including many mums only substantially see their kids over the weekend, because they work full time demanding jobs with significant commutes and/or they share 50/50 custody with the other parent, and this is not shameful or a disaster for the kids, who if parented correctly will often be busy with their own social lifes and activities.

Your DD is not going to school, so unless she is roaming the street all day she will be spending her entire life with a mentally ill mum, who is not coping with ADHD and spending all that time in a house that is considered so dirty/ unsafe that social services are intervening (and that is a pretty low bar!).

ADHD meds may or may not help you at some point but right now this is about your girls, not you, and it can not wait until you might get a diagnosis and might get medications and might clean your house at some unknown future date.

You need to focus on what you can offer your DD within the framework that social services are suggesting and do that well.

To be fair, OP would have had a lot of chances to improve her situation before it got to this stage.

If she is unable to maintain a hygienic home, even after so much social services involvement, then she is obviously unable to care for the children properly and therefore something needs to change.
She is not making good enough changes to the environment and so the last option is to remove them.

OP is trying to seek legal advice which is pointless considering it’s the home environment that needs improvement and she’s not doing enough to change it.

Has a parenting assessment been done?

If the children’s hearing is that soon the social worker should have submitted their report, you should have seen it, this will summarise all concerns and plans for the future.

Are the children supported by an advocate like Who Cares Scotland? There are also advocacy organisations for you I will Google to refresh my memory.

How old are your children? How did SS come to be involved? Where are they now, with their dad? The hearing is not going to be final, the children’s reporter doesn’t have that power. If the kids do go to their dads it doesn’t mean it can’t ever be undone.

Part of this is about facing the reality of what your household conditions are. Social services do not deem your home a mess, kids are not removed for that, they deem it unsafe. What is it that makes the home unsafe? Then you urgently need to address this, with help if necessary. Clutter and hoarding pose great health and safety risks so if you have this issue look into getting some
psychological help as I know it’s not so simple as just throwing stuff out. But honestly OP if your children are your whole world they deserve a hygienic and reasonably clean environment to grow up in. If you can tell us the issues with the home we can advise as how to sort them.

There is some denial in the tone of this post. Social services do not remove children for a bit of mess. It has to be really really bad for that to happen.

You are putting way too much on medication making things better. Yes you'll notice a super improvement especially at the first but life still happens. You'll still have days when you wonder if you actually took your meds.

It could be that op got torn between what to say if she said suspects ADHD people could say but your not diagnosed. So not take it seriously but if she said diagnosed people could suggest thing's not available to her yet.

This is not the case for many people involved with SS, especially when it is an ND mother (and often an abusive/neglectful father). People are prejudiced, professionals or not.

SS wanted to send my daughter to live with my abusive ex (150 miles away), and one of their "concerns" was that a social worker got some dog hair on her trousers when she sat on our wooden floor (the hair was where my partner's bike had been parked till he left, so I hadn't hoovered there, but it was a small amount, and her trousers just picked it up with static because they were plastic).

They put her on a CP plan during the (2 year) family court process, so I couldn't even leave her with anyone they hadn't pre-approved, and they never got round to police checking the person I had asked them to. You aren't allowed to take the child to the office for meetings, and my partner had already used up all his holiday for court dates, so I had to miss some of the meetings, as there was nobody else allowed to stay with my daughter. Of course then they judge you for that, too, and make decisions in your absence.

There weren't even any proper goals on the CP plan (it shouldn't exist in that case), so it was impossible for me to get her off it. They just left her on it till the court case concluded, then stepped it down to CiN, then eventually left us alone. My parenting hadn't changed at all, because there was never anything wrong with it. That's one of four times SS has been involved with us, and nothing ever comes of it, but the process has been a lot more harmful to us than my ex ever was directly.

The system is terrible. It doesn't protect the children who actually need protecting (there are so many examples of that), and it traumatises families who haven't done anything wrong.

So I can't help the OP, because there is no logic to it. If they don't like you, you are screwed, regardless of how much effort you put in doing what they want, and how bad an alternative the other parent is.

The only thing that saved us was getting a decent Cafcass guardian (and that wasn't up to us; she asked for the case). Who did not agree with SS, and fortunately the judge went with her advice in the end.

I don't know if the law in Scotland is the same, but if they have done a section 47 assessment, then yes, that should look at both parents and both homes (and other significant adults in the child's life, etc).

Please don’t pin all your hopes on ADHD meds. They’ve helped me with focus but they’ve not made me suddenly have a tidy house. They just make my life around 5-10% easier. Use the money you have saved to pay for a deep clean. If you get a private diagnosis you could end up paying 100s a month for a private prescription for meds too

I think there is a lot we are not being told here!

After a NHS ADHD diagnosis my son has been told there is a 5 months wait for medication. Brexit has worsened the supply of drugs to the UK. If you buy the drugs privately you will not get them on the NHS, and they are expensive. This is what he told me.

Do you get PIP? If so then you should be spending it on a weekly cleaner. Having a cleaner will motivate you to keep on top of the clutter and the mess and then at least you only have that to worry about and not the cleaning as well.

hello lovely. I don't know what the criteria is in Scotland, but I have adhd and other chronic struggles and I went through adult social services in the end, as children's were so unsupportive. You can get an assessment to see about a care needs package to help you keep on top of things. They come for 30 minutes every day and do my washing up, help me fold laundry, help me meal prep, wash my hair for me as I struggle with holding my arms up too long. one of the criteria when I did mine in England is having children. There may be a disability charity in your area who can help support with referrals also. If you're overwhelmed you can message me with your council name and I'll look up the service in your area who you can contact directly, or you can just call adult social services and explain the situation and ask for help.

I suspect most people tweak here and there to avoid being identified or don’t put facts that they don’t want to discuss or that would take the thread in a particular direction.

There’s so much misinformation about ADHD at the moment I suspect she didn’t want this to be another ADHD bashing thread so put undiagnosed before anyone accused her of using it as an excuse, which she hasn’t but she has mentioned it to explain why she’s found certain things challenging.

This is absolutely not my personal or professional experience. Yes there might be a wait to start but there are no huge shortage issues at present.