Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

Assuming you are in Scotland based on your initial post?

I have recently been looking at whether or not to get an ADHD diagnosis privately, knowing it will be impossible on the NHS. I was informed by the local Mental Health nurse, who I was referred to, that NHS Scotland don't recognise private ADHD diagnosis. They also don't offer shared care for the medication.

So if you pay for a private ADHD diagnosis, you also have to continue paying for the medication reviews and private prescriptions to access medication. From my initial research, on top of the diagnosis costs, this is likely at least a few hundred £ a month.

So if you are struggling to pay for the diagnosis, the ongoing costs will also very likely be too much at this stage. It is awful and unfair (compared to the right to choose and shared medication cost pathways available in England). I haven't found anyway round it yet, open to other suggestions if anyone has any. I was offered help with the symptoms, but that doesn't help the potential cause (for me they can look at treating anxiety, go on a waiting list for CBT, potentially counselling, investigating possible peri-menopause and support with sleep (including possibly melatonin). All seems very backwards to treat the symptoms, not the cause, but that is all that is available currently.

However, in your case I think you need to look beyond a diagnosis and medication to comply with social services requirements. There are other ways to try and cope, maybe not as effective as medication might be for you, but more affordable just now.

2 weeks after my DH died, my daughters school set her homework to write a eulogy as if her father had died. My sons art teacher shouted at him for being absent for a week after Easter (the funeral was on the Friday before they went back to school so I kept them off for a week - we were all traumatised by his unexpected death) and insisted on knowing why he was off, so my son had to say his dad died in front of everyone.

Neither child wanted to go back to school - understandably so because for an outstanding state school, safeguarding was awful. Anyways SS contacted me about the kids going to school. They came to the house and said it was dirty. It wasnt dirty the liars. Kd just moved the contents of our 3 bed house in spain into our house, so it was cluttered whilst I went through sorting our stuff out it was just 5 weeks after my DH had been buried, I'd had to stop working, give away my contracts etc They checked my food cupboards and commented I had more food than they did. And why was that? Cos until my DH died I was in top 3% income bracket. Anyways, I said that I was moving for work out of the county, which was true and Id look for schools then.

Long and short, they pick on the wrong things when looking for families who need help. Kids are killed because its easier to pick on compliant families.

You need help, why havent they got you the help?

Your DH smoking etc is not a good environment for the children at all - what a bit of dust and clutter versus breathing in contaminated air? Makes my blood boil.

Your children are not at risk with you. You shouls keep, them and get more help. I hope the court agrees. Go armed with allthe reasons they should stay with you, dont hokd back about what their dad is up to. This is not the time to cover his ass.

Please grow up! I've made a factual comment about why deprived areas are overwhelmingly where most issues are and you accuse me of classism? That's like saying that I'm committing classism by saying that millionaires don't generally live on council estates! There no point getting silly and butthurt about tie truth! It's hardly my fault is it!
What really gets me is that when a kid dies from neglect, everybody screams that the SS are bastards for never removing that kid before it was too late yet here we are with you swearing blind that everybody that SS deals with is innocent and they should never step in and get involved!

Except I didn't. I said they do things badly in both directions. They don't protect children who end up dead. And they do interfere when it isn't necessary. As the previous poster pointed out, it's easier for them to bully someone who isn't actually a risk, than take useful steps with parents who are.

The whole system is broken. You don't have experience of that, yet you are telling people who do that they are wrong.

I cannot understand why - when faced with losing your children - you can't keep your house clean / tidy enough for it not to be a problem for SS (which I imagine is a low bar).

No offence but you are in absolutely no position to make the claims you are making about the OP! You don't know what her house is like do please don't pretend you do! You are not able to confirm if it just a bit of dust & clutter! It's frightening you don't know the OP at all or anything about her yet you boldly claim her kids aren't at risk with her??? What the hell are you thinking! People have asked her if there pets and problems with urine and faeces everywhere and she has not come back and said no! You don't know state that home might be in! She's got two kids not attending school and one at the critical age of 14 hasn't been to school for 2 years and you don't see any issue?

Because I've got common sense! They don't go to the length they've gone to with you because they don't like you having autism, a bit of dog hair or a 4 year old that hasn't seen a dentist.

I am dyslexic and find it hard to order things. One of the best things I've done is to just stop buying stuff and live more minimally!

What i would say is be careful not to bade everything on getting a diagnosis and medication, it may not be the magic fix you want.

Fr @wishingstaar12‘s posts, I am actually thinking that foster care might be the best option for these two girls for the moment. This doesn’t mean that she would never see them again but it would give her a chance to work with social services and the medical profession to get herself up to the standard required to look after her children. I think living with someone who is regularly vetted by social services and has experience of caring for disturbed children could make a big difference to the whole family because it sounds as if the situation at their father’s house is far from ideal, too.

*from

I'm not saying the authorities are wrong to intervene and to make it clear what standards need to be met for the sake of the children. But if the OP is failing to meet these standards due to disability she won't necessarily be able to make and maintain these changes sustainably without help. It sounds like she's made a lot of effort but it's not been enough; she hasn't managed to overcome the issues that are causing the problems. I think regular outside help with housework etc would be appropriate if its available but if it isn't available and there's no real prospect of change then yes, the children may have to live somewhere else. But it's still not fair to blame this on the OP's lack of effort, willpower, poor attitude etc. By the sounds of things she's living with a level of executive function impairment that most able bodied people haven't experienced and can't give meaningful advice on overcoming.

Except they do. So please stop implying I am a liar. Common sense is a meaningless concept. Humans (including SS staff) do all kinds of things that don't make sense. Maybe that possibility unsettles you, because you want life to be fair, but that doesn't make it untrue.

I've had enough trauma from them, without random strangers telling me it didn't happen.

If you have access to scientific journals, you can find research on the way autistic mothers are routinely treated by SS yourself.

And I don't "have autism". I am autistic.

That is indeed a very significant problem but the house may be a similar size of problem if it's not meeting standards. Not sure the absence from school will be resolved with them living elsewhere. We don't know the full story but presumably the school will be involved.

OP can we try to help you step through this remotely.

Which room is the worst? What are the problems in that room?

ETA I am struggling a bit to think that it really is just mess and not concerns around the depression more ...

But let's step through the housework thing.

Maybe if we start with the children's rooms? Where do they sleep? Have they got beds and pillow each, and is the bedding clean? What is on the floor? Where do they hang their clothes?

I say this as kindly as possible, but please step up and don’t let your mental health issues lead to the removal of your children.
if the house will make a difference, then somehow, someway- it needs doing. Concentrate on your girls. You have about a week. It is enough time.

1. Do you have beds, chest of drawers, Bedlinen for your girls rooms.?
2. Do you have the basics in your bathroom. Unbroken sink, bath, loo. Do you have a loo seat.
3. do you have a fridge that works? You should look at these things first because there is a week to approach a charity or ask on freegle etc. for anything you need.…….….. …. your first job is as someone else said to get rid of pet poo if there is any. Inside and from thegarden/yard. second is throwing away. Throw away as much as you can. Don’t think about it, bin it. You cannot clean until your stuff has been put away or thrown. How brutal can you be? Separately, I knew a family once in dire straits, their house was not usable. it was just binbags of stuff with walkways in between. Their Kitchen was unusable, the children had no proper beds etc. SS came in and gave the mum a deadline. She approached her school for help. The pta paid for a clearance/cleaning company to come in and then bought the children beds, drawers. They sourced a fridge, cooker second hand and worked with the mum. Yes, this was unusual, but can you ask for one off help to get back on your feet? Have you tried your local churches? Fully explored local charities? best wishes to you.

I'm coming late to this thread, but one factor that must be worrying SS is the lack of other safe adults (sometimes known as "protective factor") in the kids' lives. OP has no friends or family, doesn't seem to have any local network or significant funds, the girls are not reliably at school and so SS must be concerned that the situation which is already problematic could deteriorate very fast and no-one else has an eye on those kids.

Most kids have interaction on an ongoing basis with some other adult beyond their parent who is experiencing challenges - their teachers, a GP/dentist from time to time, family, neighbours, leaders of clubs or youth groups (dancing, football, Scouts, etc), all people who could look out for them in a crisis or make a report if things at home worsen. These girls are unusually isolated and that makes them especially vulnerable.

Don't know if this will interest you pr others.

https://www.spinal.co.uk/news/social-care-reform-house-of-lords/

OP your children could be taken off you. For now, please take the focus off yourself and the potential you may have ADHD. You may, you may not. Either way dex or ritalin aren't a magic pill - I started taking it at 54 and yes its helpful for focus while I work particularly the after lunch slump but thats it. You come across as putting up reasons as to why you can't sort your house (and other issues SS would have raised with you). This will not reflect well on your case at all. Think about your children first now and think about how they feel living in this environment.

I think you need help on more than one front. As pp have mentioned I would imagine the living conditions in your house must be poor to be a trigger for the removal of your children. Do you have pets because animal poo would be a red flag, as would no access to a bathroom, no facilities for washing clothes or bedding, little food in the house. So you need help with that. Their school attendance sounds poor, again this would be a red flag, as would not taking them to medical appointments. But you know all this. Persist with getting a solicitor. Then try to find out if there is any community help that can improve the conditions in your home. You really do need to try to get control of it. Much easier said than done I know. I would come and help you but I live a very long way away. Good luck.

It's a known and very well evidenced symptom of severe ADHD and of other conditions that impair executive function (depression and anxiety do this too). Ultimately it's a neurotransmitter impairment and as such cannot be sustainably overcome with effort and will power. It just isn't that kind of problem and doesn't have that kind of solution as OP has found.

I would recommend contacting the Family Rights Group, they should be able to advise you on how to get legal representation.

I don't know what happens in England but in Wales, many surgeries won't sign up to ADHD shared care prescriptions if it's a private diagnosis.

I really feel for you.

I think you really love your kids. I have ADHD and MH issues but I'm lucky enough to have access to therapy which has helped me a lot.
How bad is your house really ? Is it more that your mental health issues haven't been treated? I would get yourself some free counselling for a start and try to get on top of things. If you show SS that you are doing that, it will definitely be taken into account.
There are many free charities offering counselling.

@functionallyimpaired
It may well be, however, I am assuming that the fact that the OP has reached an age where she is old enough to have a teenager without a diagnosis means that it is unlikely to be that severe. Unfortunately lots of people are seeking a diagnosis these days because they’ve seen a video on TikTok and are convinced they have all the signs. Parents are desperate to get their kids diagnosed as an excuse for poor behaviour rather than actually disciplining their kids.
Of course there are people who suffer from severe ADHD and mental health conditions which have a severe impact on their lives but definitely not as many as there are claiming this. Unfortunately, there are far too many exaggerating their symptoms and using these conditions as an excuse for opting out of life and normal expectations. During a recent visit to A&E, I witnessed a guy treat hospital staff appallingly and he was loudly talking proclaiming that it wasn’t his fault because he had ADHD. I remember thinking at the time that he had probably used it as an excuse from a young age and had never suffered any consequences of his behaviour. Unfortunately this sort of behaviour is a symptom of a much bigger issue in society.

You don't have to answer but why, if there were never any problems with your parenting, we're social services involved with your children 4 times? Was your ex making false allegations or something?