DD5 refuses to see grandma

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Looking for some advice if anyone has had similar issue and has found something that has helped. My mum is a good granny, she is caring and loving towards her GC and also has energy to do things with them, such as imaginative play, baking etc. My DD has always seemed to enjoy the time she spends with my parents. But recently it’s becoming a real issue that she’s refusing to spend time with them. She’ll say no to any suggestions I make for time with my mum basically. She can’t say why when I ask. I feel it’s some kind of protesting maybe or just wanting to say no. She can also feel a bit shy with them at first but usually relaxes soon to be herself. Whenever she’s been with them she’ll say she had fun afterwards.

I find this quite difficult as I feel the pressure to facilitate the relationship and enable their time together. But what can I say to my mum .sorry she doesn’t want to see you?! I recently asked my DD if she can think of any nice activity she’d like to do with granny and suggested things she’d like for sure, but she still said no. She’d want to do it with me, not granny.

My own relationship with my parents is strained but I try to not let it show to my DD. Also my mum and dad don’t have the best relationship between them but I doubt this is a factor as she also refuses activities with my mum alone and seems to get on with grandpa well as well, they have their own little humor etc.

Looking back to my own childhood, I wouldn’t have been eager to spend time with granny either. But then again she wasn’t one to play and put effort into the relationship with her GC. I feel this is quite said for my mum, who does really try and can’t say there’s anything about her behavior towards DD that could be faulted.

Anyone had similar and was able to change it?

Take a different approach. Instead of asking if she wants to visit Granny, tell her, or don’t say anything until you arrive at her door. Stop giving her the choice.

Are you leaving her with your mum? Maybe do something with all of you? Children’s farm?

Given your own relationship with your Mum is it possible that your DD has overheard her Granny say something critical of you?

Might be worth your DH asking your daughter why she doesn’t want to see Granny.

Something is going on, I would limit things to supervised visits with you present for the meantime.

My DCs grandparents aren't local so this may make the situation different, but we've never presented spending time with them as optional? And due to the distance we very much have to facilitate the relationship as we have to either travel or host. But we've never asked DC whether they want to go to Granny's etc it's just something that happens on a particular weekend.

I think you are giving your 5 year old a little bit too much power in this situation. My youngest would say no to wearing trousers every day if I asked him whether he wanted to wear them.

I agree a 5 yo shouldn’t rule the roost but with a sudden change like this I’d be very careful about disregarding her feelings in case there is more to it than caprice.

Who else has access to her at your parents house other than your DM and DDad?

As others have said, don't give her the option. Five year olds are weird. Mine used to regularly tell me she didn't love me, as you can only love one person and she loved daddy.

She definitely did love me. We have a great relationship now. They just say random shit!

Personally I would remove the element of choice but stay with them to keep an eye on things. Not sure how healthy it is to keep asking small children to make choices when there is clearly a response you want. It’s a choice or it isn’t. A genuine choice (apple or orange? Red cup or blue cup) is fine, but this is too big. I think most small kids like the grownups to be in charge.

Another thing to consider is whether DD is simply knackered from school. At 5 she has either just started reception which is all new, or just started year 1 which is full of different expectations. When I’m tired, the last thing I want to do is schlepp around relatives.

As others have said I would remove the elements of choice. So tomorrow you're going to Nana's for the morning /afternoon /day etcetera .You don't say would you like to spend some time with Nana especially if you know the answer is going to be no.
However if she always previously liked spending time with her I would wonder what's brought this on suddenly. Is it the issue just would prefer to be with you because she's feeling a bit insecure for some reason ?Is something going on there? I wouldn't have thought of that apart from the fact you said your own relationship with her is strained. Does she just really prefer to be at home at the moment ?Or is she just going through an awkward stage?
Has she just started school this September ? the first half term after my son started school I arranged all sorts of things days out etc. I asked him what the best day was and he said staying at home playing with his toys! I think we can underestimate that like adults kids sometimes just prefer to be at home.

My youngest will say no to a question before she has even processed what the question was. I wouldn't be asking her, especially not at 5yo.

Does she have unsupervised access to DD, or are you usually there? Could she have been disciplined in a way that has upset her? Are there stricter rules at Granny's than what she is used to that may be putting her off going?

I think I feel differently to many others replying and I wouldn't personally force her to see someone she doesn't want to. Maybe a break would do the relationship good and after a few weeks she would be happy to see her again. I wouldn't want a relative being made to see me when they don't want to.

If there’s not a great relationship between you and your mum, or between your mum and dad it’s highly likely your DD has noticed

Is it only your Mum she refuses to spend time with? One of mine went through a phase at that age where he’d refuse doing anything with anyone who wasn’t me.

Does this happen whether you go to Grandma's, Grandma comes to you, or you all go out somewhere?

I agree with not giving her the choice, just present it as something that's happening, but keep it low key and don't build it up in advance - have Grandma pop in with a book she's lending you or something and stay for a cup of tea with you, rather than saying Grandma's coming to see her.

Do you mean it’s when she spends time on her own with her, or she still doesn’t like it when you are there too? How close do you live? I do find it odd when people talk about
”popping in”, as if many people don’t live a long way away, and trips need careful planning.

Do stuff together all 3 of you for a bit. Kids do go through phases of wanting to just be with you and if she's just started school she's probably missing you there too. If you're hanging out with them you can observe their relationship and see if there is an actual problem. And maybe, if it's appropriate/desirable, work on your own relationship with your mum too (your DD will be aware on some level).

I agree with you, and disagree with all the posters saying to remove the choice and make her go. Children don’t suddenly develop an aversion to a loved adult without reason. I would be making an effort to find out why she doesn’t want to see her.

Does she get upset or just say no thanks? Unless you have any slight inclination that she might have a good reason, I'd stop framing it as a question.

My 5 year old would turn down loads of plans based purely on fancying doing something else that day. So, sometimes plans are decided together, other times he's told "today we are doing X" and then that's what we do.

Hmm…it’s probably true that I shouldn’t give her the choice at 5. Maybe that’s part of the problem that I tend to ask her about it and not say ”granny is taking you to park tomorrow”. When I see her with my parents, I don’t see any issues. I’m quite often there when we see them nowadays. She tends to act playful etc and seems to feel positively about the interaction. She’s generally at a phase where she likes to say no a lot and will call my stupid mum etc on a daily basis. So just not agreeing to what I suggest could be a factor. Also maybe she has sensed this is a loaded topic for me as I have felt pressure about making these meetings happen, so maybe that’s one thing as well.

Do you do the fun things with her too? Is it only granny that does the park, crafts etc and she just wants to do them with you for a change

Don’t overrule her without digging further.

She’s saying no for a reason. That might be a silly reason, but it might not be.

Does she say no to trips out with anyone else?

Absolute zero toleration calling anyone stupid - nip that in the bud.

Shake it up a bit. Maybe organise a Grandad daughter activity and a whole family activity. Don’t ask for her buy-in. Just tell her what’s happening at the time.

Are you present when DD is with grandma? I wouldn’t simply ignore or override her.

I agree. What has happened to make your DD not want to go?

I would be wondering what had happened to make her so averse to going. She is trying to tell you something.

Stop pressuring her about this. Just invite your mum round.
You're making too much fuss.

But also agree with others that there may be an issue at their house.

I would not make a big deal of it and just arrange some fun things to do all together. When my kids were that age I'd have said, 'we're going out with grandma today'. If you really feel the need to give her a choice you could say eg, 'we could go to the zoo or the castle, what do you think'?