Can I love a second child as much as my first?

[User7164]

Had DD 4.5 years ago. Traumatic birth, difficult pregnancy, didn’t sleep for 3.5 years (still wakes once a night and sleeps in my bed which I don’t mind compared to the torture of the sleep deprivation!).

We share an intense bond and I’ve always been 100% certain that I was one and done because I love her so much, and partly because I never wanted to risk going through all the difficulties again!

Recently though, she’s at school, and I’m missing her so much, and it’s made me start thinking that maybe we should have another child and give her a sibling.

She isn’t interested in babies or younger children, only wants to play with the big kids. Which worries me if they’d even get on.

I also worry about losing the time I have to myself currently, yes it’s selfish and no I’m not sorry, it keeps me sane and being a good mum!

I worry about not being able to give her my all anymore, about everything becoming split 50/50 including my attention, effort, love…

I see people with multiple children and I genuinely have no clue how they do it. They are superhuman. And I have no idea what to do! I don’t want a huge age gap if we did have another. 6 years is big enough for me. So I feel like I’m under pressure to make the decision.

I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in a similar position. What did you decide? And how do you feel about your decision now?

Thank you. Xxx

You dont mention your partner. Is he a good dad? Hands on?

I think this makes a massive difference to motherhood experience having a decent father.

I asked myself the same thing. I just couldn’t figure out how I’d have enough love for another child. But you just do.

If you and DH feel you both want another child, who will be totally different in all respects, and loved for being themselves, go ahead. Your DD will still be loved and wanted for herself, not just a sibling for another child.

Love grows and expands, giving loved children what they need/want.

Yes, you will love them just as much. I was so worried about this during my second pregnancy and just couldn't imagine how I'd ever love another child as much as my first.

Then he was born and I realised that love isn't shared between your children, it grows.

I found the post partum hormones more difficult the second time around though. One minute I was sobbing because I missed being with my toddler all the time, the next I was crying over not having as much time to dedicate to my newborn this time around... luckily it passed quickly.

Yes, your heart just grows bigger, even though you think it’s not possible, it just does and you love them both the same.

You'll forget the 1st as soon as you hold the 2nd in your arms.

Well not exactly. I felt the exact same way, but something strange happened when Ds2 was placed on my chest. When later on ds1 walked in he looked huge to me... all of a sudden 'ds2' was my little baby and ds2, my big boy.

@Polipocket60 he is brilliant. He works very hard, but makes so much effort to ensure he is home for dinner and help with bath time every night, I feel very fortunate. He is desperate for another

Love isn’t finite - you love a second child just as much as your first.

But reading this post indicates you may not really want a second child? You definitely don’t want to be in a situation where you resent the baby for taking you away from your existing child.

I found having two very hard work, and our eldest resented her sister, and often still seems to despite our best efforts.
It never even occurred to me to not want a second, but it does really change your life, you become a family weighted towards the children and focused entirely on their needs, rather than a family that essentially still does adult things with a child around the place like you are as a family with one child.

I would. It sounds like a sibling would benefit her. It’s a decision people rarely regret down the line. Now she’s in school it’ll be much easier.

This is exactly my concern. I do currently feel more like ‘she needs a sibling’ rather than ‘I’d love another baby’. We have a great life now, lots of family time, I can put lots of effort into her education outside of school, our days out just the two of us are so special. I want more than anything for her to have a sibling when she’s older, I couldn’t imagine not having mine even though there is a huge age gap between us. The thought of her ending up alone when we’re gone, never having nephews or nieces, it weighs on me so heavily. Kind of wish I’d never started thinking about it at all and just jumped into it because now I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to convince myself!

Yes of course. Love is not finite or rationed.

I have 4 (youngest 12) I had your worries each time. I think of them all altogether and at different times individually. I love them all more than life x

You love a 2nd as much.

From what you have written though you sound like you should stick with one.

I personally think a 5 yr gap with 2 is not great. Anecdotally... My dh and I both had 5 yr sibling gaps and had close to no relationship with put siblings pre sibling turning 18...our friends.with 5 yr gaps were similar.

I have four. Babies bring their own love with them. You aren’t stretching what you already have more thinly, there’s more to share ❤️

2 kids is hard work.
but it can also be the greatest gift you give your child - only time can tell

i have a bigger gap but there were some reasons like health. Despite difficulties I went ahead with the second, my DH was surprised but didn’t say No.

I always wanted 2 girls and that’s what I have. They love each other so much I wonder how just 1 could ever be enough. Like you I was worried about leaving my first ‘alone’ after us. Now I have no worries - I know they will take care of each other through thick and thin.

but not all siblings click so there are no guaranteed.

if you want an easy life, then don’t
if you want a no-regrets life then do

I worried if I could love another as much as my first, especially during pregnancy I worried as I had a difficult pregnancy with my second and I just didn’t feel as happy/grateful to be pregnant (I had my first after years of misscarriages so I was very anxious but also so unbelievably grateful to be pregnant with him) but you really do. And also it makes my heart explode seeing them interact and love each other.

i will say 2 is HARD, I never really felt touched out or like I needed a break with my first (I realise I am lucky to have had that experience) but dear lord I feel it now I have 2, and that then piles on the guilt, and the exhaustion, and the overwhelm. It’s hard work but also incredible. I remember seeing a post where someone had said think about what you want your family table to look like in the future and focus on that rather than the difficult early years and I think there is some truth in that, I want a big family, so these sleep deprived hard years are so worth it!

For me, the intensity of my love for my first and my complete obsession with her scared me a bit. Maybe because we nearly lost her when she was 6 weeks old.

I knew I had to have a 2nd to balance it out a bit and it did. I obviously still adored her but having a second and loving my second so much too did take the edge off my obsession with my first. I love them both equally and my 2nd definitely balanced me.

Yes you can. It’s slightly different loves but u you love them the same. Don’t let the age gap get too big though. I have seven years and it’s very hard to manage as very different needs now they’re older

You do. But it’s not the same, the love I feel for my daughter is way more intense than my son

When did it balance for you, I almost lost my daughter too. My sons only 8 months old and I don’t have the same love

I have three. DC1 was with an ex and a sibling wasn’t an option then.
There is over a decade between DC1 and DC2. We had DC3 mostly as a sibling for DC2. No regrets.Nothing beats seeing the sibling bond. Listening to their play is the background noise of our home. Unbeatable feeling watching your children together.
Honestly when I had one child I put a lot into that one child too much to be honest.A sibling balanced it out way more. Siblings teach you more about harsh realities of life than parents do.

Well it was a bumpy ride! I had PND after my second. Possibly due to the trauma we all experienced when my first was a baby. So the first 9 months after my second was born was incredibly difficult.

But I had a bit of therapy (which I should have probably had straight after nearly losing DD) and after 9 months or so the fog began to clear and I started feeling a lot more in control. I fell in love with my life, my children, my DH and most importantly myself again.

I’m so sorry to hear you had a terrible experience like I did. I would definitely recommend reaching out for some therapy. I was sceptical but it really did help me, although it didn’t always feel like it at the time.

The ONLY reason to have a second child is because you really want a second child.

And there is nothing in the first post that says you want a second baby.
Plus your daughter isn't bothered by small children or babies.

You will find a multitude of threads on here where only children reassure parents of onlys that undivided attention, resources and support can be a very good thing, with a scattering of reminders that many siblings are estranged or have strained relationships.

I think it was the Reverend Steve Chalke I saw talking about parents worries that they wouldn't be able to love another child as much as their first - he said parents think their love is like a pie and you have to slice it up to give a piece of it to each child. But what they don't realise is that with each child you get a whole new pie!

I have 5 and love them all equally. They are all different but my heart bursts with love for each of them ☺️

Thanks for sharing your experience.

we both almost died during labour. Then she developed bad health and eventually had to have surgery as her quality of life was being impacted and 3 times she was miss managed and once twice I had to rush her to A&E to get her breathing properly. When you think you’re going to lose them it’s awful isn’t it. I know I could do with some therapy I do believe in it. Just didn’t expect the bond to be so different with my baby. He’s wonderful but it’s defo not the same feeling xx