Is nan “not bothering” with her granddaughter because she’s upset with me?

[justhereokay]

I made posts a while ago about changing DD contact with dad and grandma to my home instead of overnight and grandmas.

I spoke to her dad, he was on board, fine with it, he told his mum and he said she was fine with it - “she’s her mum she knows best, I understand”.

Its been over 2 weeks since she was aware. Since then her dad has come over at the weekend to have the time with her, no issue.

His mum hasn’t once seen her, asked how she is, video called her or anything.

She may simply be asking her dad how she is rather than me, which is fine. And she has had weekends away (I’m pretty sure these were planned before contact change)

But she has not spoken to me or her dad to arrange the next time she will see her. I explicitly said I am not stopping her spending time with granddaughter, she is absolutely welcome to come here when suits with a little notice.

she has given bags of clothes to her dad, to give to me. Assuming clothes she had at her house, plus some new bits with tags on.

There may be some bitter or upset feelings on her part which she isn’t showing to me - but for over 2 weeks, with no near future plans to see granddaughter?

She was having consistent time with her every week, sometimes up to 2 nights a week but now nothing? My parents wouldn’t dream of that, even if we “fell out”

she did similar about something else when she was a new born, didn’t ask about her, see her for nearly 2 months. But she gave a sincere apology and admitted fault - was consistent since.

or maybe it’s just too soon to read into it?

Why did you stop her going to her grandma's? Was she in danger there?

Have you been in contact with her directly?

I think that it was naive of you to think that she would be absolutely fine about you saying her grandchild couldn't stay with her any more. It's petty to behave like this but understandable that she's upset.

I have text her to thank her for the clothes, and I got a usual response. That’s all.

Don’t know the back story about why visits stopped so can’t comment on that. But I can understand that she might not want to visit you if you have stopped her seeing her grandchild at her own house, can’t you?

She can be quite peculiar - I don’t know how to explain it. Yes absolutely 99% of grandparents would feel some sort of way but with her, it’s hard to gauge.

I don't know what your reasons for this are but I assume they are sound. It is quite assertive of you to make that decision. Part of making assertive decisions is to sit through the consequences of them! She can visit her grand daughter whenever she wants, you haven't stopped that. Now it's up to her so you need to practise not caring how she feels about it. If your DD misses out, that's her grandmother's fault not yours.

Personally, I wouldn't feel as comfortable visiting my granddaughter in my son's ex-girlfriend's house, compared to hosting my granddaughter in my own home.

I know you said to come around whenever, but I would still limit my presence to once a month or something.

It really does depend on why contact has to happen at yours. Is there a medical reason or is there a danger or risk at Grandma's?

If she is peculiar as you say then she isn't acting out of sorts is she ? What response do you expect you have changed the arrangements because you don't like/trust her with your Dd despite her dad being there, of course she is might be hurt but saying it is fine,

your Dds dad can organise phone calls with Nan. I think you acting in your Dds best interests is great honestly i am not having a dig, but granny might see it as a slight.

She's probably annoyed that shes had her granddaughter fine all this time for you to randomly dexide thats now a risk and must see her at your house. If I was her I wouldn't feel comfortable going to my child's ex house either.

I mean it is a kick in the teeth isn’t it?

you are her mum so she has no option but to accept it but that doesn’t mean she’s ok with it.

your actions are basically saying you don’t trust her/like her no matter what your words say

People are not chess pieces you can move around the way you expect just because you have a child why do parents act like they are the first person in the world to have a child

She quite probably doesn’t feel comfortable with you given you are her son’s ex. Hanging out at your house might just seem too odd.

Is there a compromise where she could pick DD up to take her to the park or something?

I think the op might expect happy families for the Dds sake but she isn't with the dad, the granny doesn't have to show she likes "mummy" by coming round to her house.

You gave instructions, she is complying with them. Leave it at that. She might not want to come to your house and its really none of your business is it?

It really depends on why you made the change doesn’t it

Given your previous post, this is the right thing to do.

This was the arrangement before overnights started, she would come over, we would have lunch together, or I’d leave them to it. It’s not new

If a grandparent doesn’t want to bother with my daughter, of course it’s my business? It’s something I need to be aware of. I’m not concerned with this because ex MIL won’t have sandwiches with me at my house. Come on.

And conclusions aren’t supposed to be jumped to.

What? This is not about me? She hasn’t bothered to see her granddaughter.

we live a bit of a drive apart so it’s the arrangement that’s doable. Before overnights, she would visit here to spend time with granddaughter. If she wants an alternative, we meet somewhere, or she takes her to the park then fine. But she hasn’t mentioned anything at all

You clearly don't want to tell anyone why you've stopped your child going to her grandmas and no-one can be arsed to root out your previous post(s) so this thread is all a bit pointless isn't it?

Why did you change the arrangement it’s a bit strange

She might be trying to protect your feelings or the relationship she has with her granddaughter. I just got the impression that you wanted to show a united front for your Dd, and expect her to just pop in. What does her dad say about it ? And going back to her being peculiar as you said, this might be a symptom of her peculiarly?

If you really want your DD to have a relationship with her Nan then maybe you need to actually speak to Nan. Invite her round or to meet up on a specific time and day. She will then feel welcomed and liked and valued. I think it's likely that Grandma does feel hurt, I would, so I do think you need to make her feel valued again if you want your DD to have a relationship with her. If you don't really care if you're DD has a relationship with her then that's fine, it really is none of your business.