Is nan “not bothering” with her granddaughter because she’s upset with me?

[justhereokay]

I made posts a while ago about changing DD contact with dad and grandma to my home instead of overnight and grandmas.

I spoke to her dad, he was on board, fine with it, he told his mum and he said she was fine with it - “she’s her mum she knows best, I understand”.

Its been over 2 weeks since she was aware. Since then her dad has come over at the weekend to have the time with her, no issue.

His mum hasn’t once seen her, asked how she is, video called her or anything.

She may simply be asking her dad how she is rather than me, which is fine. And she has had weekends away (I’m pretty sure these were planned before contact change)

But she has not spoken to me or her dad to arrange the next time she will see her. I explicitly said I am not stopping her spending time with granddaughter, she is absolutely welcome to come here when suits with a little notice.

she has given bags of clothes to her dad, to give to me. Assuming clothes she had at her house, plus some new bits with tags on.

There may be some bitter or upset feelings on her part which she isn’t showing to me - but for over 2 weeks, with no near future plans to see granddaughter?

She was having consistent time with her every week, sometimes up to 2 nights a week but now nothing? My parents wouldn’t dream of that, even if we “fell out”

she did similar about something else when she was a new born, didn’t ask about her, see her for nearly 2 months. But she gave a sincere apology and admitted fault - was consistent since.

or maybe it’s just too soon to read into it?

Yeah I do think OP that this is probably quite a lot about you wanting reassurance that Nan isn't upset and/or that she is unreasonable if she is upset. I get it, I'm a terrible overthinker and conflict avoider for this reason, I'll ruminate endlessly on whether or not people hate me for XYX reasons but I have to accept that's my problem and not the other person's fault or responsibility to fix.

Objectively speaking there's no real evidence she's planning on not bothering with your DD in future - I get that the last two weeks have not been 'normal' for you but (without saying at all that what you did was wrong), you do have to accept that it was you that changed the normal arrangements not her, and you can't expect her to just fall in immediately with what you would now like to happen or rush to reassure you that she's completely fine and not upset about it - when I'm afraid to say the likelihood is she's at least a bit upset. Frankly it would be astounding if she wasn't, in the circumstances, and far more of an indicator that she doesn't care about DD really than her feeling quite naturally sad that she'll probably see less of her or maybe guilty that she's the cause of this or any of the thousand other feelings that aren't really about you or your business OP.

I know at least one person on the thread has said they have the kind of relationship with their ex-MIL where they can all hang out together in one another's houses perfectly amicably and with no awkwardness, but I'd say that's very much the exception not the rule, most people are probably more on the civil for the sake of the kids but rarely spend time together or only in more public settings type of a relationship. I certainly would never say even to my current MIl that she can come over to my house whenever, I mean she can but short of an absolute emergency she would never invite herself and would always wait to be asked, I think most polite people would be the same. If you throw in the fact you've indirectly told her you no longer think she's able to look after her granddaughter safely, so that time they do spend together at your house will have an undertone of supervision (again not saying that's wrong), and she's been busy anyway, you can hardly blame her for just letting there be a bit of space, work out how she feels and how she wants it all to work (which may not align with your vision) before putting herself into a situation which will be at best awkward and at worst highly emotionally charged - your DD isn't going to forget who Nan is after only 2 weeks or feel abandoned, surely she's been on holiday or whatever before, I'd give it a bit longer and then perhaps either suggest to your ex that he and his mum take DD out somewhere together or come over for some particular occasion, or if you feel you've been on these terms previously, invite her over directly yourself. If she really is planning on cutting you off entirely you'll soon know but I doubt it myself, either way though you'll know you did the right thing...

@justhereokay if she had your dd 2 nights a week, she could probably do with the rest now. If she was only having your dd at hers for her son’s sake, then she may even be delighted that she no longer has the responsibility.

After she has a well earned break it’s highly likely she’ll start visiting again.

i think you have the complete wrong end of the stick. I’m not saying she is, this is why I came to mumsnet. To gauge the situation. Is she actually not bothering? Is it just expected?

and whatever the reason of course it concerns me? Whether she comes back to make arrangements or not? I’m her mum..it’s my ..business? I need to know what the plans are with my toddler lmfao. That was my point.

You are obviously on speaking terms with her. Why buy simply message and ask her?

If you are communicating via the son, imagine her perspective. I would be so upset as a Granny having my grandchild taken away from me two nights per week AND the mum doesn’t even bother telling me directly. I imagine she’s very pissed off.

Now you wait for contact for her to tell you what she wants? You’ve already demonstrated you’re in control (in her mind). You need to ask her directly. She feels pushed out.

When she is with you yes what he does in his time is his business, you dont own a child

Without more detail, I don’t think anyone can really tell you OP. Obviously most grandparents would be upset if they’d gone from up to two sleepovers a week to then being told there would be no more. Assuming you had good reasons for this then she might just need time to get over any hurt feelings.

I have grandchildren, my daughter and her partner have seperated and I definitely wouldnt want to go to his house to see the children (they have 50/50 custody) and I dont go round to my son and his partners house to see my granddaughter that regularly, maybe once a month or every 6 weeks and they only live 10 mins down the road! We usually meet somewhere for a walk or a meal rather than just sit at each other's houses. Dad's contact with his daughter hasn't changed much as it sounds like whether he saw DD at your house or at his mums he wasnt doing the actual caring, grandma's contact has changed hugely from normal childcare to supervised contact so I can see why she might be upset. Its not up to you though, its up to her son to ensure his mum has contact or if you particularly want to encourage the relationship (which I agree will probably be good for your daughter as she grows) then why dont you take her round to her gran's and stay there with her a few times rather than make gran sit at yours?

Doesn’t matter, you don’t punish the child because you’ve got a problem with the mother

But is the child being punished by the op because she doesn't like the grandmothers decisions? It can work both ways

Of course it matters. OP has chosen to change the terms of the relationship so any "punishment " is of her making.