How do I manage bedtime with a 3yo and a 4 week old on my own?

[Daisysimply]

Looking for some advice/ideas because I’m really struggling with bedtime at the moment and I’m not sure how to make this work!
I have a 3 year old and a 4 week old and I’m essentially solo parenting in the evenings as my partner works until late. My toddler needs to be in bed around 7–8pm, whereas I don’t really want to be trying to get the newborn to bed until after 9pm.
The problem is that they both co-sleep with me in my bed and they both currently need me to settle them to sleep.
My 3yo insists on me cuddling her to sleep and will generally only settle if I lie still with her. Meanwhile, the baby is at the stage where she’s very unsettled when awake and is crying/fussing much more and she wants to be bounced/rocked while I’m standing up. So I’m basically trying to lie still cuddling a toddler to sleep while simultaneously having a newborn who wants me to stand up and bounce her!
I’m finding it really difficult because there isn’t anyone available to hold the baby while I put the toddler to bed, so I’m wondering how other people managed this stage.
Did you change your toddler’s bedtime routine? Get them used to settling without you? Put the baby down somewhere while doing bedtime, even if they cried? Or somehow manage both at once?
I know this is probably just a difficult phase and things will change, but right now evenings feel impossible and I’d really appreciate hearing what actually worked for other people.
Any tips for getting a 3yo settled with a newborn present would be very welcome!

I have a similar gap. I'm a single parent. I co-sleep. Is the newborn BF or FF? Can you lie with toddler snuggling your back and baby breastfeeding?

Eeek. That sounds really hard. I didn't co-sleep with my first till that age and she was settled in her room before that baby came. I'm not trying to be unhelpful, but could your partner take some time off so you can both settle your three year old in her own room? I do bedtime with both of mine a lot, but your particular situation sounds really hard! However someone else might come along with better co-sleeping advice... We found our three year old pushed back quite a bit with bedtimes when her little sister arrived and we had to be very consistent. You cuddling her to sleep doesn't sound sustainable while trying to look after a newborn as well? Sorry and you will get through this!

Other thought was, depending on your toddler, can you put on a quiet programme (Beddy byes is lovely)

Or, if toddler is still napping and not in daycare, can you move the nap later or longer so they sleep at 9 and you all sleep together?

It is a lotof hit and miss finding a rhythm that works with a large ish gap, and sometimes it doesn't look very Instagrammy because you do sometimes have to compromise on things like screens just so you get through the colicky witching hour without losing your sanity x

Give them both a bath.older child gets to play for a bit and choose a book while you dry and wrap up the baby. Read book while you hold warm water calmed baby. Then older child tucks down while you go and feed the baby. If you’re lucky they will be asleep before you’ve finished.

I have the same age gap and still find it really difficult doing bedtime alone. My kids are 1 and 4 now. Best-case scenario is when the baby is happy to breastfeed while I'm sitting in bed beside the toddler and half cuddling him/rubbing his back. I appreciate that your newborn wants to be walked around though! Maybe you could try a projector light, musical teddy or something engaging for the baby so that she's happy to be in bed while you get your toddler to sleep?

Can you put baby in a bouncy chair and gently bounce it with your foot while cuddling three year old?

Please don’t beat yourself up over it either. It’s all still new to you all and you will find your groove.

I tried to remember that these tough phases were a drop in the ocean and would pass.

I think 3yo could be fine in their own bed..in your shoes I’d be trying that and seeing how they go. The longer you leave it now, the harder it will be tbh. What outcome are you expecting / hoping for? Whats your plan to stop co-sleeping and how/what age? if you have two kids and they’re not in the same ‘phase’ I think these kinds of dilemmas are kind of natures way of getting you to play catch up!! Xo

I laid down with both of them. Fed baby to sleep in bed for a late nap and cuddled toddler to sleep with one arm. He does have a double though.

it’s hard, I admit. Much easier 7 months in - have hope!

Thank you for the replies already. Baby is breastfed. Unfortunately my partner isn’t able to take any time off work as has only just gone back a week after 3 weeks paternity leave. We’ve tried several times over the past couple years to settle the toddler in her own room but without success. The best we’ve had is settling her in her own room and then she wakes up few hours later and comes into our bed. Even done a whole room makeover to see if that will encourage her🤣

I think part of what I’m struggling with is that I really don’t want to upheave all of my toddler’s routines and things she’s used to (including co-sleeping) just because the baby has arrived. I don’t want her to feel like she’s being pushed out or that she’s having to give up things she’s relied on because there’s now a baby taking up so much of my time. I want her to still feel secure and that she hasn’t been replaced, if that makes sense. Although I do realise that co-sleeping in this situation is probably no longer practical.

Ok baby will remember nothing but 3 year old will.

i would put my baby DD in her room then even though she was crying I would read to DS 2 on his bed.

DD after 2-3 nights just automatically fell asleep after that like clockwork at 7pm so it turned out to be a win all round.

I figured at the time that baby DD wouldn’t remember so that’s the choice I made so I could focus on DS and it just worked itself out fortunately.

Oh sorry I just realised your baby is 4 weeks which is a bit different sorry. I honestly can’t remember now but my DD was definitely between 4 weeks and 3 months old.

Give it a go and see what happens after 3 nights

Is the toddler BF too? If so could they tandem feed?

I know it's exhausting for you op. Your big kid knows you love her though, I know it's a big change for her. You could maybe get her a special dolly for night time with a dolls crib who she gets to put down for a sleep while you all snuggle in. Good luck x

Just to keep a sense of positivity, we felt exactly the same and didn’t want our 3yo to feel ‘abandoned’ (he’d always been an awful sleeper).

What we did was have me in with baby overnight and my husband in with my son (double bed). We still cosleep with both although now my husband goes into my son’s room when he wakes rather than immediately.

I do promise it has got much easier for us as time has gone on. I found a Yoto Box and his favourite stories / stories of me reading but recorded very helpful.

Is there enough room in your room for a toddler to have a toddler bed next to or at the bottom of your bed. I have a smaller gap 2 under 2 madness and I do it by either baby naps in pram so I am free to do bed time for toddler and then baby wakes and goes to bed after waking up and doing how’re long they need (90 mins?) or baby could be in sling of breastfeeding and I sit cross legged on the floor and toddler sleeps in own bed next to mine falling to sleep holding my hand or with my arm over her. So it’s a halfway house between cosleeping and own room. If toddler wakes in night then I grab and bring into bed I would say she wakes in night 1 time per week and most of the time imediatly settles down in my baby. Just a few times it’s been too late in the night and the toddler has noticed the baby got too excited and woken the whole house up while screaming baby in delight (full disclosure) so then the day starts at 5am.

Oh ps do a hard sell on the toddler bed it’s so much cooler than mummy’s naff bed nice bedding soft pillows cuddly toys Mine have always loved an upgrade (u need to believe this too for them to believe it) it is an upgrade

Honestly I think this is what it means to have a sibling 🤣 I think all children feel like their siblings have arrived on their patch! It’s part of life and learning that the world doesn’t only revolve around you. Your oldest will have to learn at some point that she has a younger sibling whose needs will come first - as did hers when she was younger. It’s a healthy and normal lesson to learn and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum or that you love her any less… I think it would be kinder on all of you to try and settle her in her own room sooner rather than later or how on earth do you think you’ll be able to do a double bedtime with them both in your bedroom?! Strikes me that it will be much harder when they can both play around than it is currently. When she comes in your bed in the nighttime, you give her a cuddle and then after a few mins you take her back to her bed and sit or cuddle her in her own bed until she is back asleep. Then you retreat to the loveliness of your own bed!! Repeat this as often as is required and you’ll have it cracked cxx

Get the 3 year old in a bed. Only way around this. A bit of tough love is needed now. They are old enough to understand their own bed and space.

Meant to add that my 4yo occasionally wakes in the nighttime and I give him a small bottle of milk and he’s straight back to sleep. (In his own bed) My challenge is giving up a bottle that he still has before bed.. won’t let it go!! He now has said on his fifth birthday so I am planning on holding him to that 🤣 we all have our different battles to fight op! X

I had a different schedule because I was trying to get the baby down first. Three-year-old would not leave us in peace! One night I told her we would have a “special time” after her sister fell asleep. She behaved and was quiet then. I would make us cocoa and watch a show with her, or do a chore together, whatever. She LOVED special time and I was never able to skip. But she needed my attention then and it helped.

Ewan the sheep with white noise setting was useful for us 💐

I had a similar age gap.

I would bath them both together. Then I would get 3yr old into bed and read stories while I fed the baby, then kiss, cuddle them goodnight. Some nights they wouldn't settle straight away but I'd keep returning them to bed, I'd say I'll be back in 5mins to tuck you in/check on you, I'd always go back, then next time 6mins, then 7mins etc. It got quicker each night until eventually they knew after stories it was sleep time. You've got to be persistent with it, it's hard when you're exhausted with a newborn but worth it in the long run.

A 3yr old isn't a toddler btw.

I'm old fashioned but really ladies you are making rods for your own backs here. 😳

I think this too. I completely get your concern for your eldest and not wanting them to feel pushed out. But they probably will feel this at times, because the reality is they simply can’t have as much of you as they had before. It’s ok for them to feel sad about this and you can help by understanding and making space for their feelings, but I don’t think you can prevent it. Like you say, if one needs stillness and one needs rocking, it’s not practical!

I coslept, but didn’t hang around while they fell asleep, beyond babyhood. I feel a lot of friends were (still are with 7,8yr olds) held prisoner waiting for kids to fall asleep. Hats off but I’ve not enough patience for that! I think when you feel ready to try again with DD settling herself, you need to have a mindset of ‘this is happening’. She will sense your ambivalence and of course push against that. It’s brutal on you doing it but for a few nights if you are totally consistent in what you are doing, putting her back to her own bed etc, she will accept. They act like they are in charge, but they take the lead from us.

not just you. ….