Is it bad to want to walk away???

[shar24]

I am about to be a statistic. I desperately want to just walk away and leave my kids and husband and live alone. Parenting is the most stressful thing I have ever done and I am an adventurous person but at the moment I wish I could turn back the clock and not do it. I feel really bad for saying it but I need to get it out there. I have always been someone that learns from their failures and makes it a success next time. I'm tenacious. But with parenting I feel like I'm failing daily and I can't get it to work. If this is all life is going to be then I think I need a change. I just want to pack my bags and go somewhere where I don't need to nag or battle with anyone. It causes me an untold amount of stress and nothing I do changes the situation. I am a laid back person but also a project manager so I feel I have a good balance in allowing my kids some freedom to learn their independence but with some structure and guidance when needed but I have a daughter who is an absolute slob. She can't take care of anything, loses everything, her room is a pigsty and she leaves her crap all over the house. Every morning she starts my day with stress because she can't find something or can't get up in time for school. I work in a high pressure job so to start the day with stress is causing me major anxiety. Everything we try doesn't work. We try to help, its doesn't work. We try to punish, it doesn't work. She doesn't care about anything and I am literally banging my head off the wall and to stay sane I think the only option is to go. I can't bring anything else positive to this situation and its not good for me or for others in the house.
Is this just me or is anyone else in the same situation?

How old is she?

OP
Take a break.
Can you stay with a friend for a week and work from there?
Or afford the cheapest hotel?

I think it is a fairly extreme reaction to a child being messy and disorganised, to want to walk away from your partner and children and live alone. It sounds like you need a break and then a plan to manage your frustrations and your child's behaviour.

How old is your DD?

Let your child suffer the natural consequences of their actions?

How old is your DD?

Mine is 18 and can be quite similar and there are times I have felt like walking out and never coming back.

The leaving stuff all around the house though was solved by me gathering everything up and putting it in the bin. Phones, money and anything school related was exempt, everything else was binned. She had several warnings, did nothing and one day I cracked. Funnily enough she hadn’t done it since

Edited to add - your family and home won’t operate in the same way as a work project !

I guess your DD is about 13.
This age has been by far the most challenging in our house. Makes you want to run away.

She is nearly 13 and it may be an extreme reaction but its how I feel. It isn't something new and to live with it 24/7 it grinds you down, especially when there is zero effort on her part and when she ask asked to do something I just get verbal abuse. I do regularly try to take breaks and get away but I am now at the stage where I don't want to come back because nothing changes. I'm at a loss as to what else to do.

I have also went down the route previously of binning everything and she didn't care. Out of sight out of mind

What time do you get up in the morning? My son has autism and ADHD and we get up 2 hours before he needs to leave for school (5.30am). Yes it's crazy early. Yes we have to go to bed earlier. But it does mean no one screams at each other in the morning, there is enough time to go about it slowly. I physically pull him out of bed, gently, play music and stuff to make sure he's up. We aim to be fully ready at least 15 mins before he leaves which gives a buffer. If he's totally ready he can chill and watch some TV for the last bit.

I don't think you'll leave. But of course you're not crazy for wanting to.

A wonderful psychologist told me you just need to list out these pinch points in the day, things which cause stress, and make a plan for them one at a time.

Mornings is you may just need more time.

My daughter sets her alarm for about 1.5 hrs before leaving time but often switches it off and goes back to sleep so by the time I'm getting to her it takes about another 15 mins for her to rise and by then she it tight for time. I agree though that getting up earlier does usually result in a less stressful morning so I'll try and get her into that route.

She sounds like me. I am diagnosed dyspraxic.

You say she’s always been like this?

Yeah always and we have tried multiple techniques to help manage it.

Is it bad? Yes, it is. You are not coping so look for help with that first. Hopefully you will then be able to cope with what is normal everyday parenting.

I think your feelings are understandable but completely leaving and walking away isn’t actually something you can really do. Do you really think you could go off, leaving your child, live elsewhere and not see her and that you would be happier??? I can guarantee that it’s unlikely you’d actually feel better than you right now.
How do you envision it working? Who will be looking after her? She’s not a pet hamster that you can just give away to someone else.

OP, gently none of this sounds beyond the realms of an average day with a disorganised teen. Some need more managing than others.
Sometimes I get sick of still doing so much hands on parenting but DD has plenty of challenges and I have to hope it all comes good in time

Why isn’t it something she can really do? Men do it all the time.

And do we think it’s a good idea?? A bar to aim for??
No, of course we don’t.
The consequences for walking away from a child are long lasting and devastating. It’s a choice that is ultimately unlikely to actually make the op feel any better.

Throw a strop, pack a bag and leave for a week.
Little monkey might finally see that her behaviour has consequences.

Your life sounds hell. Surely she will care when the phone is thrown in the bin and the money in your pocket. Throw enough clothes in the bin and she will eventually be going to school in her pj's.
You are suffering. Only you can change this. Ignore the helicopter mothers on here. Save your sanity and your life. Let's see how she coped not being woken up for school etc....its not great repeating a year for non attendance.
" fly my pretty...fly "

I got to this point when my DD was about 19 . Sick of the arguements , disrespect and felt like my DH was doing nothing to support me . So off I fucked on a summer gap year . Left them to it for 6 weeks together. But drastic but it worked . I felt good for the break and was appreciated when I came back . It's OK to feel like this OP but at 13 it really isn't an option . Do you think it's because at this age , you have no control over her or the household .? I found people who are the boss at work and their team listen and obey them , often struggle when things are out of sync for them . What sort of input does your DH have on the morning situation. I would organise her at night , then all she has to do is get up and dressed .

And it’s shit when they do it too.

You say you are a laid back person but is this only true if everything is going according to your agenda?
You also say every day starts with stress but who is actually introducing this? You or her?

Honestly, I was expecting something much worse from the title and opening. This doesn’t sound anywhere near bad enough to merit such an extreme reaction. At 13 she can start taking responsibility for her own behaviours. My DD has ADHD and her room is an insane mess but I close the door and leave her to it (no food goes in there thankfully). Chuck her crap from the rest of the house in there or stand over her while she moves it. Get her a really good alarm clock that she has to get out of bed to silence or a vibration mat if that doesn’t work. After that, if she’s late for school or doesn’t have her things, she can suffer the consequences. I would focus on dealing with the abuse, which is not acceptable. Hopefully her father is backing you up. Is she happy at school and has good friends? Also, work on your own mental health, perhaps taking more time for yourself.

My DM used to pack a suitcase, march out and then wander back a few hours later (and quite frankly we were far too scared to have done anything wrong to cause it). I just lost respect for her and enjoyed the peace.

You are not laid back.

What does your daughter think will work?

What activities/ traits and interests do you have in common?

It would take <5 mins to take a basket around the house and collect her things and leave them back in her room.

Aren’t teenagers supposed to be slobs, isn’t that a trope, doesn’t that mean some are and you are witnessing it. I have 4 children, one is disorganised, it is worse now in the mornings as they are fighting their sleep clock to get enough sleep.

Don’t blow your life up, organise your mornings the night before, for your own sanity. Don’t nag, just get organised. Then after school she can accept some natural consequences. Praise her consideration when it does happen.

This to will pass.

Funnily enough for a recent birthday I asked my brother for a spare key for his house so I had a sanctuary! This might be an option though.

No I’m generally chilled and even when faced with problems but same as anyone can get to my limit when continually pushed. The stress always starts with her. I try to keep mornings as calm and easy as possible. She constantly puts up objections to everything I suggest or any help I try to give. It’s very frustrating.