DD11 sudden worry and anxiety about competitive sport and wants to quit

[GladBear]

Looking for some advice!
DD11 is in a competitive dance team, she absolutely loves it and has been since she was 5.
The last few weeks she has been absolutely consumed with anxiety and worry about going, can not identify what it is , just feels like she’s failing, not good enough, wants to walk away as can’t cope with feeling like this anymore.
Spoke with coaches , they’ve supported her , she’s dance captain and one of the strongest on her team.
She is a perfectionist and puts so much pressure on her self, I suspect it will be something else if we let her pack it in. the issue is how she now feels not the dance itself, she’s annoyed at how she is feeling and just wants to feel normal again.

Lots of hormones and friendship issues , standard for this age. I know she she will look back and regret walking away but she woke up yesterday morning crying about her class tonight. If she walks away she won’t be able to just re join in a few months, she has no other hobbies.

She’s really good at articulating how she feels but just doesn’t know why she feels so nervous now and can’t stop crying.

my head says to stick it out for a few more months and if she still feels like this then walk away but my heart says let her leave, even though I know deep down she will regret it

anyone experienced similar and have any advice? Thanks in advance

Is she committed/paid up to the end of the year? If so, I'd use that as a line in the sand. If she's still feeling like this at Xmas you will let her give it up.

I remember a few years ago seeing a stat. I can’t remember what it was by heart but something like 75% of girls give up their hobby by age 12. It was horse riding for me. I did go back to it in my late teens but never got to where I wanted with it. I think it’s wanting to have your weekend free to be with friends/hormones/perception/suddenly caring what people think. It’s so sad

This is my worry, I gave up gymnastics at 12 and have regretted it all my adult life.
There are so many benefits to being in a team sport

I may be way off base, but could it be fear of getting her period while in a leotard? It’s a reason a lot of girls stop dancing, and she might not be able or willing to articulate it at 11. If so, the Modibodi flesh coloured high leg seam free period pants are a possible solution, they don’t show under leotards.

Comp season starts in Feb, so she can’t give it up close to then as letting the team down.
If she wasn’t enjoying it and was just miserable it would be easier, she’s had full blown panic attacks , it’s heartbreaking

would she prefer to be in a non-competitive team? Surely good non-competitive teams exist?

could she go back to normal dance classes rather than being on the competative team? It may be that she doesn’t want such a big commitment now she’s a bit older.

I don’t think she overly bothered about stuff like that, we’re very open and she’s fully aware of what’s coming. She seems to relate the sport to her anxiety feeling now , her body is changing though and I really think hormones are playing a big part

Ah I see. If it's full blown panic attacks then it's probably not the sport for her. I've only had two in my whole life and they are terrifying.

At her dance team that isn’t an option as she’s aged out but we could find somewhere else but she isn’t interested in that.
The opportunities and experiences for her are amazing she just associates it with anxiety now ,

I suffer from this and it makes me so sad, I feel like I’ve passed them down to her even though she’s never seen me anxious or experience them.
The worse thing is avoidance though isn’t it as she’ll walk away from any situation that makes her feel anxious.
im looking for a cbt therapist to also support her , it’s heart breaking

I know she she will look back and regret walking away but she woke up yesterday morning crying about her class tonight.

You don’t know that she would regret walking away, and you seem to be putting her under as much if not more pressure than she is putting on herself. Do not under-estimate the pressure for a daughter to not disappoint her mother.

In my experience when an adult or child is experiencing this level of anxiety and distress, trying to tough it out results in burn out.

It is more likely you will regret not encouraging her walk away and making her feel like she is important rather than her role as dance captain and you as proud dance mum.

She agree she loves dancing, but she might not love competitive dance. Dance doesn’t have to be competitive btw. I used to be in a professional dance troupe as a hobby and it was not competitive dance.

unless it’s going to be her career she will probably stop at some point in the next few years. It’s not quite a ‘team sport’ in the same way that eg netball is, where you can join a local or uni team wherever you are so most girls do ‘grow out of it’ as the exam years hit, unless they are seeking to dance professionally.

This happened to me when I was a bit older than your DD. I did a hobby and I was very good at it, and was basically offered the chance to try for a pro version (sorry to be vague but I don’t want to out myself), and the pressure I put myself under and the weight of expectation on me broke me. I’ve never gone back to that hobby since and it’s still a huge hole in my life, but I can’t bring myself now to do it because of how bad I felt. The straw that broke my back was going to a practice even though I’d said I really didn’t want to - I was persuaded and then had a panic attack and left after 20 minutes never to return.

Your DD may be able to keep the thing she loves if she’s allowed to take a break now, before she burns out and crashes out, is what I’m saying. I wish I hadn’t gone to that session. I can’t say how much I wish I’d listened to myself and had a break instead of forcing myself through. Losing that hobby was also losing my social life and a huge part of myself. A break doesn’t haven’t to mean the end.

She will regret it, I didn’t let her join an international team last season as we agreed the pressure would be too much and she spent the whole year gutted she didn’t do it . felt like she had failed herself by not trying.

There is absolutely no pressure from me, I know my daughter and both my husband and I were in competitive sports and this happens to lots of children and so many as adults regret walking away. I’ve given her the option to not go tonight, she’s been in her room upset and feeling like a failure

The issue isn’t dance itself it is now the anxiety she associates with it ,

My dd and her friends danced many hours a week at one point but by sixth form they have all stopped, and they don’t regret stopping. Dd loved it and it was a big part of her life but she has moved on! She also didn’t want to ruin her feet!

If she came to me and said Hey I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t enjoy it, I’d let her stop in a heartbeat.

It’s the fact she doesn’t want to stop but she wants these feelings of worry to stop, she just associates what she used to love with that feeling now

If it’s the feeling of worry, does she need some support? Does her team know? Would they give her a boost and some love, maybe?

So sorry to hear this for you, DD had a panic attack tonight before and so I didn’t make her go, she’s now so annoyed at herself that she let the feeling beat her and now feels like she let the team and herself down. The irony is this hobby and the friendships are what helped her last year when she was horrendously bullied at school.

It would be so much easier if she just didn’t want to do it anymore, but she does, she keeps saying she wants to go but doesn’t want these feelings anymore, she wants to love it like she used to.
I worry if she walks away she will avoid anything moving forward that causes her anxiety.

She puts so much pressure on herself in all aspects of her life,
so much so I didn’t allow her to take her 11+ as I knew it would be too much for her .

was there anything that could have helped you?

No avoidance of panic attack triggers isn’t the worst thing. Exposure therapy doesn’t work for everyone especially when they are experiencing overwhelming emotions leading to distress and panic. Even when exposure therapy does work it should never be done unless as part of a planned course of therapy with gradual exposure and psychological support from preparation, through the therapy and afterwards. You just exposing her isnt exposure therapy and uncontrolled, unplanned and unsupported exposure is going to make anxiety worse not better.

Yeah she’s really open, they are all lovely but lots of laid back characters who I guess just don’t understand and also older girls so it’s hard to relate.

She so open and lets everyone know how she’s feeling , I’m looking for some cbt support for her, to target her anxiety

Why does she feel like a failure? The way you are talking about it on here has me doubting you are doing anything to dispel that feeling of failure.

I highly recommend sports psychology. We engaged with it for our child (different issues) and it made the world of difference. It was expensive but not crazily so - around £500 for 6 sessions and the difference it made was incredible.

I’m not going to comment to you anymore, you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about . It’s called personality, she’s a perfectionist, always has been, she has chose dance herself, never pushed her. She’s one of four it’s actually more of a hindrance for us having a daughter who trains 7 hours a week but she loves it so we’ve sacrificed for her .
Thanks for your negative input but no longer needed

I have actually looked in to this, can’t decide whether it’s more a general anxiety/personality than just linked to her sports.
Although I guess they would be able to help decipher that. Thank you x