Husband not helping much with baby and I am exhausted

[Ano92372829372828]

Husband barley helping with baby, he doesn’t help with house work but I enjoy to do it so that’s not an issue but not once in the 14 weeks since baby been born has he offered me a lie in, I’ve asked once as was exhausted but it didn’t happen he stayed sleeping so I got up with baby.
i could count how many times he’s helped during night on one hand and that’s because I passed him the baby but now he just doesn’t hear he when she wakes, I usually get to her before she cry’s but sometimes she does cry.
he also gets me time at gym 6/7 days a week which includes before work and I get once a month to get my nails done while he takes her a walk, yesterday I said I’m going to shop and he said no cos she will just cry for me.
we struggled to have her took 3 years and agreed on how we would share the load but it’s all me all the time and I’m exhausted.
he does work 3-12, then up about 9 for gym while I do school run with older child.
and today baby was so unsettled from 5 am and I raised my voice to him cos I’m tired and he’s just went back up to bed to sleep.
ive tried talking to him about it but he’s tired too he says

There's a lot of words like 'offer' and 'help'. You have to rewrite this. He's a father. He should do his fair share. Not 'help'you like it's your job. And stop saying you do the housework because you enjoy it. Come on. You enjoy getting shit stains off the loo? I expect you were trained to think it's your job.

My gym DH used to do so much of the carrying and soothing because that's what arm day is for.

Stop asking for help and giving up if he raises an issue. He says, 'baby will cry for you' you say, 'babies cry, it's important you know how to soothe him. You don't want to be a useless father, right?' And don't make your life small for him.

What a terrible husband and father he is. This isnt acceptable. He told you no?! Who the fuck does he think he is?!

You said you agreed before the baby was born how the load is to be shared. Remind him and insist.

when do you go back to work? What happens then?

The housework I love having a clean tidy home and doing it settles my mind if you get me, when out and about he wears baby in carrier but at home just useless and if I hand baby to him, she starts to cry then he hands her back, she struggles to take a bottle off anyone but me too

You ask him to step up!

Or start to plan your life as a single parent.

I have a DH who didn’t ‘hear’ our kids when they were babies, and he doesn’t ‘see’ dirt either. It’s called weaponised incompetence. They don’t recover from it.

What you mean re: the house work is you love having a clean tidy home and so doing it settles your mind because you know he wont and that would cause stress.

useless manchild.

If baby wont settle for him, that is a sign he isnt doing enough. You need to leave him eith the baby MORE not less.

go out today. Have lunch.

If I said no to him going to gym be a different story he would moan ect and I’ve said that when I go back I will be working round his hours as my job is during day and I won’t be there for him to just pass her to me

Would shame work? Could you go and stay with your parents for a few weeks and tell all and sundry you can’t stay at your own home at the moment because your DH is refusing to parent his child AT ALL and is spending all his time at the gym. You are exhausted and getting ill through lack of sleep and need to leave to get help for your baby’s sake.

Why isnt he doing the school run if he is at the gym at 9 anyway?

It's so easy. Isn't it?
And mum does 90% and dad 10%. Who is the smart one?

The dads could just do the cleaning. Just see to the child. They could just do the laundry. Just do the tea. Ask what to do.

The dads learn these things pretty fast then they have the children 7/7 and mum isn't around to sort their sh&t for them. But it did cost a marriage that the dads were so useless in the first place.

This was my thought.

First things first, he takes the older child to school before he goes to the sodding gym.

You have to sit him down and tell him straight that the current set up is not working and you need him to help more.

The baby wouldn't cry for him if he did more with her and was more hands on so he needs to step up and help.

I can’t unfortunately and I’ve been ill for the past week cold hasn’t shifted, I did hand him her this week so I could have a bath before work and he just come and sit in bathroom with her which I don’t mind but he gets a bath in peace

Can you afford help?

A cleaner? A babysitter?

Fucking hell I don’t have a massive temper but in your position I’d have lost it big time. He needs an almighty boot up the backside. If he’s too tired then he’s too tired for the gym, massive twat.

As class starts at half 9 and he wouldn’t make it in time or he missed if it he’d to tired and goes back to sleep

Do the same for his bath. Match his energy. Match his effort.

i said I’ll pay for a cleaner but I’ve priced it up and is about £120 per clean due to size of house and he said we’re not paying for that

He really is a selfish bellend isnt he.

Op, what did you want to get from this thread? If it’s just a rant, go for it. If you want anything to change, you’re gonna have to do something about it.
the most obvious one is that you hand her ti him and go out. Anywhere.

You pay? Why? You and your husband run a family.

£120 is a lot for one cleaning. It's around 6 hours. Less could be an option.
You might need to work on the standards in your home. Children and spotless don't go well together.

Being a young family you don't have the luxury of going to bed thenever you like. Tell him to step up.

Ask him to leave you in peace in the bath.

If you don't mind them being there don't blame him for his bath.

This is getting worse with each update. How many other kids have you got? Does he do anything with them at all? I think I might know the answer to that one.

Show him this thread and then go for a walk? Does he get angry or is it just indifference and sulking? Neither are good.

Could anyone have the older kids so you could talk it through. And by talk it though I mean harness the exhaustion and frustration and lay it out. You sound like you are holding a lot in and that you are a very calm person BUT now is the time to let this out, otherwise this could eat you up.
Good luck, you deserve better than this.

OP you are handing him power he doesn’t have, accepting everything he says. Lock the bathroom door so he can’t come in! Stop cleaning (even though you like it) you are ill. He refuses to pay to get it done so so be it - he can do it himself or live in dirt. If you can’t go to a family member to get some sleep, at least get out so he is forced to do care. If baby is crying (and has been fed assuming you are BF), go out for a walk at 5am if needed to MAKE him do it. You could also consider going to a hotel/ Airbnb for a little while and force him to do the school run instead of going to the gym so you can get some sleep once baby settles.
also, you mention a school run so clearly you have older children. Was he like this with them too? If not what changed?

He gets away with it because he can. You like housework, he likes the gym. Your poor dd will grow up thinking that’s what male/female relationships look like too. 😔