Fourteen-year-old daughter says she hates spending time with us

[Minasama]

I am just at my wits end with my 14 yo daughter (suspected ND.) I thought all was going well and we’ve just been out for coffee at her behest which I was looking forward to, but she stormed out of the cafe saying she hated spending time with us, we were always negative, it was never fun, she wants to go to her friend’s house because it’s always nice there.

I’m just nonplussed at the rudeness and drama of it, I’d never have dared to have spoken to my parents like that at her age (and they would never have taken me out for cake and coffee except for birthday.)

I had said we couldn’t leave her sister (12) behind as that wouldn’t be nice/ you can’t leave a 12 yo home alone. That may have been the root of the problem. Bought cakes and coffee, both kids upset because I said 2 cakes between 3 (cakes were the size of bricks!). Briefly spoke to 14 yo about incomplete homework., then it seemed to be a nice conversation until she got upset.

I just feel so sad that it seems impossible to do what I took completely for granted with my own family, which is spend enjoyable time together having a civil conversation and taking it in turns to speak. It is so hard.

You said you suspect she is ND. Do you mean autism? I wonder if she has a very fixed idea of what things/outings etc might look/be like and then really struggles when they aren’t as she’d hoped or anticipated.

Is she being assessed? How is she doing at school?

If you suspect autism etc then there is support available around how to structure things, manage expectations and reduce meltdowns.

Ultimately, she likely doesn’t mean it when she says unkind things.

Thank you, yes she is currently being assessed. That is really helpful, maybe that’s it.

Of course you can leave a 12 year old home alone for an hour or so. Why couldn’t you explain to her you were doing something with her older sister and would do something separate with her.

Your 14 year old clearly wanted time alone with you which you then changed by bringing your other daughter. You then discussed the incomplete homework, not the right time or place for that when you’ve gone out for tea and cake.

Yes agree with this, your DD wanted some alone time with you, 12 is fine to leave for a short while to facilitate that.

I think you are absolutely right. Perhaps I should suggest we go out for another coffee just the two of us this weekend.

she wanted to spend some time with you and you brought her younger sister along. And then told DD off because of homework. No wonder she was upset.

edited: Crossed posts
Yes doing something with her separately and keeping it a bit more cheerful should help.

Lots of things going on here … especially with the potential autism in the mix.

Definitely leave the 12 year old at home.

Don’t use the time to be negative, don’t mention homework etc. Do that at home. The cafe is meant to be a treat, positive thing surely?

Get a cake each. Does it really matter if they’re huge?

My Ds aged 14 has autism and all of these things would be important to him in terms of expectations etc.

Don't take it personally.

Yes, I definitely got this wrong. She doesn’t want to go for coffee again and is going to her friend’s house 🥲

It’s too soon now. Let her calm down and then suggest another 121 activity soonish. Make sure you’re clear it’s going to be just you and her.

I also think you can definitely leave the 12 year old at home. And I’d probably let her have her own cake. But no time soon after being rude. Potential ND does not excuse being rude and nasty

She’ll be sore for a while, so no point suggesting or expecting anything this weekend. You absolutely do need to apologise to her though and let her know that you didn’t listen to her properly and that you will next time. And next time will invoke a whole cake, not sharing one.

Normally I am really good at not taking anything personally, being very balanced & cheerful but today has just really knocked me sideways. I feel so sad that I seem to get it so wrong. I have a great relationship with my own parents and sister so I find it really hard that I’m failing totally here.

You aren't failing i use to be horrible to my mum when I was a teen. Where really close now. You're her safe space thats why she releases it all infront off you and takes her stresses out on you

My thoughts are with you OP. My DD12 is like this about her sister 10. It's hard work to say the least.

I would apologise to her and say I messed up, if you can admit your mistake then it will build bridges. Agree with others, expectations were not met, you had a moan about hw, maybe she over reacted but she is a teen at the end of a long week trying to disguise her disappointment, and lashed out at you instead.

Yes definitely apologise to her for not buying her coffee and cake, your rudeness and your storming out...oh wait

You got 3 things wrong:

1. you shouldn't have taken the sister
2. have a cake each
3. never talk about unfinished homework. This should be in the home environment.

That said, teenagers are difficult to understand. They don't even understand themselves, so we have no chance!

@Minasama you are not a failure, and also not a mind reader! I think it will go a long way that you offered a coffee for just the two of you, revisit that again in a couple of weeks I’m sure her friends house is no more “fun” than yours, but she’ll enjoy telling you it’s fun.

also, there is a time and a place for homework reminders. If I’m worried or anxious about something like homework (or now work deadlines) I don’t want somebody asking me about them when I’m taking a moment to relax and decompress. At 14 she’ll know what she has to complete and what the consequences are for not doing so.

good luck with it, you sound like a lovely mum who cares a great deal about her kids.

I think this is it. A 12 year old should be fine at home alone for an hour or two, and bringing up a homework issue is not relaxing or fun. She feels you are spoiling things.
She is not you, and you are not your parents, so don't assume everything will be the same.

My mother never took me out for a coffee in my life. The nearest we came was being taken into a cafe when we were on holiday in Wales, That was our weekly treat. I was told off for making a chip butty which is something all kids do.

I still love a chip butty.

No 14 yr old wants to hang out with parents. Your parents knew that and do never tried. She probably thought it was a ruse to talk about homework. Be glad she has a great friend to have fun with and that you have the 12 yr old to enjoy for a couple of years.

But surely you were sometimes a hostile teenager yourself, even in the context of a generally good relationship? I have a 14 year old DS and while we’re close, obviously he occasionally thinks I’m the mother from hell. Normal developmental stage stuff!

She asked to go out for a coffee and cake with you.

You insisted on bringing her little sister, on sharing slices of cake between you, and then criticised her in front of her sister (that she didn't want there in the first place)

She overreacted, but she's 14. Everything is a drama. Bloody awful phase, life gets much better when they are through it.

In future maybe remembering this will help (it did for me) -
Praise publicly, criticise in private.