40th birthday dilemma

[ScottishFemale90]

Ok so it’s my husband’s 40th birthday coming up.
We have kids aged 4 and 2.
We have been given the opportunity to go away for 5 nights child-free.
Would you go away before the birthday and come home for the birthday?
Or would you go away over the birthday but obviously not see the kids till we got back?

He sounds like an absolute pain in the arse to be honest. Most people would just be happy that they were getting 5 days away somewhere nice while someone else cared for their children.
Will he stress so much about making your 40th birthday perfect?

I think he has it in his head that his 40th has to be the most spectacular day ever

I thought it might be. I had an ex who was like this.

You won’t be able to do right for doing wrong - whatever you decide he will say it was the wrong choice. You have my sympathy, it is difficult.

I would tell he he has to decide by X date so you can book your flights. I’d impress upon him that whichever he decides, you expect him to make an effort to enjoy it, because the children will start picking up on this the older they get.

Right, go before, pick a day when you are away that will be an extra special day that you will celebrate his birthday on together, go for the extra fancy meal or a day out doing something he enjoys. Then come home and spend his actual birthday with the kids.

Does he feel the same about your 40th?

Really, tell me more? He had a bit of it after our second daughter was born after choosing her name. Then again after we got engaged.

Not sure, it’s 4 years away.

It sounds like whatever decision you make, it’ll be wrong. There will be some reason why his birthday wasn’t ‘perfect’, and I’d put money on it being your fault (in his eyes).

He’s absolutely delighted about getting away, but he’s put so much pressure on everything being perfect.

If I’m telling the truth I think it’s all based in attention seeking to ensure the attention is concentrated on them because they are a ‘victim’. I cannot stand it. Navel gazing angst. I got fed up in the end, lost all sympathy, stopped tolerating it, and eventually left (very different circumstances, we didn’t have children and weren’t married).

I find it a particular frustrating and selfish personality feature and he needs to get a grip and cut it out. If he’s really so torn up about it, which I doubt he is. He just wants the pandering and sympathy.

I will say, I might just be projecting my own frustrations with my ex here!

He’s 50/50 now and feels there’s maybe no wrong decision, but will that change after the fact?

Tell him you booked it for whichever option youd prefer and gauge the reaction

To be honest if he’s so obsessed with things being ‘perfect’ then it’s probably best to spend the day away from your kids, for everyone’s sake. What if one of them is ill on the day? What if the 2 year old has a tantrum at his birthday lunch? It’s impossible to ensure perfection with young children around, and you don’t want them to be forever blamed for ruining his precious 40th.

And you especially don’t want them there if he’s being down and defeatist because he’s made the wrong choice.

He is actually torn up about it I’ll give him that. These anxious episodes seem to be getting worse and worse though. It’s the rumination and trying to find out if the alternative was the best way which we will never ever know so there’s no answer.

dont think he’d bother as much about everything going smoothly with the kids, it’s more his own choices. Even if I think he’s made a right choice, he always questions it anyway.

It is selfish though, and extremely dull having to listen to the ruminating. It isn’t fair on you.

No? If I did then I wouldn’t go away at all. If you think you’re going to miss them, then it’s a pointless going if you don’t enjoy it.