Reception child will not use the toilet without a parent present

[JJJ2021]

My son has just started reception class and will not go to the toilet without a parent present. Was not an issue at nursery because he did half day and could hold it. School is trying to help, we have been assigned a person who is coming with us to take him to the toilet but he still won't go without us present. The trouble is everything I read online is relating to a sensory issue, eg they don't like the smell or the sound but this isn't the case with our son, it is purely he needs us there to go. Please has anyone experienced anything similar and how can we get over this?

Do you mean that you are currently in school to take him to the toilet?

What happens at home? Are you always in the room with him? If so practice some distance - being just outside the door, in a different room but nearby, upstairs/downstairs

What is he doing then if he’s there for a whole day

What happens if you aren’t there? Would he wet himself? Has that happened yet? Have you been able to speak to him about what he’s feeling? Is he able to verbalise anything?

He will if he has to wait long enough, that will of course be distressing for him but I think he just has to deal with this one. It's probably a separation anxiety thing. Would he be OK if another student was there in the neighbouring cubicle maybe? I work with pre school children and we are often told a child won't go alone but a few weeks later they do, because they don't really get a choice. We go from being in the cubicle once or twice to standing outside where they can see our feet or head, then we stand out of vision but where they can hear us, then further away where we are just within earshot and then not at all. I think this is the best way to do it, gradual and supportive but don't indulge in it either as it can become a control thing .

No advice just wanted to say I’m in the exact same boat!! No issues at all with the toilet at home. He did 2 days a week at nursery for the year before reception, and we had no issues there either.

Right now we’re on half days as attempting to hold it all day wasn’t good for him. Plus trying to hold it meant he was having near daily accidents which is totally unheard of for him. He’s been very reliably toilet trained for years now.

Going in to take him myself at lunch and then leaving was too disruptive for him as it confused him. He has other behaviour issues which are contributing to the decision to do half days, but the toilet issue was the main thing that pushed the balance.

I’ll be interested to see if anyone else has good advice as I’ve no idea what to do! Like your son OP, it’s not an issue with the actual school toilet - he just wants me to be there for some reason.

We go in at lunchtime to take him

He will go at home on his own but he knows we are at most shouting distance away

Yeah today was the first day he had two accidents this afternoon hence the desperate post!
He shuts down when you talk to him about it. We have tried star charts, treats, toys. Nothing is working.

We have been trying to gradually hand over to the staff member we have been assigned and yesterday she managed to get him to go into the cubicle so that felt like progress but today felt like 3 steps back.

My son was exactly the same as this! I honestly checked to see if I wrote this last year!

I'm afraid the only thing that worked for us in the end was that he wet himself eventually and that was a turning point for us. In the meantime, his teacher and TA worked really hard on building a good relationship with him so he finally felt he could trust them. We also bought the book "Raj's rule" which is about a little boy who won't use the toilet at school. Ask your school if they have any support as our school has a outside team of people who helped children with anxiety etc, and I did sessions with them on separation anxiety as that was our main issue.

I didn't go in at lunch time as I knew he would think it wasn't a problem if I was, but I did feel awful. He used to go as soon as he saw me when I picked him up, but I did a gradual retreat and got further away from the toilet until I could wait outside the class while he went, but he still wouldn't go until he could see me.

It is hard but it will definitely pass! My son has started year 1 this year and had no problems going for the first time.

Mine was exactly the same. If you gave him a sticker he would rip it off and hated any praise from teachers so they were as low key as possible. Basically all the complete opposite of what you would expect a child to respond to, and was unable to be bribed.

He still says now "but I hate school mum, I just love you too much". I know it's annoying to say, but it's just playing the long game and it will click eventually

Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I honestly was feeling like we were the only ones because all the teachers have never experienced this before. I think for us going to half days would just prolong the problem even more. Fingers crossed someone who has been through the same thing sees this and can offer some advice!!

Thanks for this, glad to hear you got through it. We will buy the book and give that a try. He wet himself today so hopefully tomorrow will be our turning point.
I have googled a lot about toilet anxiety but perhaps I should look more into separation anxiety as I think that is what this is more to do with

We have tried all the positive things so are considering next week withholding things like maybe not watching TV if he doesn't go. Not sure if it's too harsh or not though

Out of interest roughly how long did it take to get through it?

He’s still really little, and it’s such a big change! I don’t think withholding things is the answer but that’s my personal opinion! I think perseverance, it’s still really early into things. What about maybe you could write him a letter in an envelopeand he could get it from the teacher after he goes for a wee, and you could put a sticker in and draw a picture, like a reward but in a different way to try and encourage it x

It is too harsh. Please don't do this! Punishment for an anxiety issue is entirely inappropriate. He's a little 4 year old boy who is struggling. Your job is to help and support him, with patience and understanding.

I was the same as your son when I started reception (over 30 years ago now) and the reason was, I was terrified of going to the toilet on my own in case the fire alarm went off and I got left behind or stuck in the cubicle while everyone evacuated the classroom. When I was at school the fire alarms were exceptionally loud and there was one in the toilet itself, so I was worried it would start ringing when I was in there on my own. My mum also had to come in at break time to take me to the toilet. I must have eventually grown out of it but I still remember the feeling of anxiety to this day. Could it be something similar for your son? We're only a few weeks into the autumn term so it's still really early days for reception starters. It might take a while for them to adjust and feel at ease in school, and with the teachers/classroom assistants. I hope things start to improve for you and your son soon 🙏

It took until early March before he finally went alone. I was worried as he wouldn't drink anything while at school either.

But there was build up before that, so his teachers would get him to help do jobs in the bathroom like putting in new tissue/soap etc to help him get used to being in there. Then eventually we told him he HAD to try when he could see me through the window at pick up and would praise him for just going in there and going through the motions even though he still had to go back in after, but even that took a while to be honest.

I wouldn't use punishments like the TV personally as I don't think they would understand the connection, and it wasn't a control thing, he just didn't feel he had a "safe" adult except me and his Dad. I did talk about things like "oh it's a shame you can't play with your friends after school/go to the park because you need to go back in for a wee. It would be better if you could go at school wouldn't it?"

His teacher was sympathetic but very matter of fact. The day he finally went he was doing work one on one with her and she could see he needed a wee but he kept denying it. His sentence writing wasn't very good because he was distracted so when she made him write it again he suddenly said "I need a wee!" For the first time ever and she basically grabbed him and cleared a path to the toilet immediately. What really helped was straight after his TA took him straight to the office to phone me so he could tell me himself and he was so proud. It wasn't a problem after that and his teachers were so happy for him, and he finally accepted stickers for it. His TA then made him a chart for home and if he went every day we got him a toy when it was full. Before that he HATED sticker charts.

It helps if you have supportive staff and also helped us that the toilet was one cubicle in the classroom. The book that was recommended for helping separation anxiety was "helping your child with fears and worries" by Cathy Cresswell but I used it along side support. I couldn't tell you which bit worked, or even if any of it did. Maybe he just grew out of it but it won't last forever even if it feels like it!

Sorry for the huge post!

Does he understand that he has to ask the teacher to go to the toilet?
It sounds daft but sometimes children simply don't realise and if no one tells them they don't know.
At my daughters school the toilets in the nursery class were within the classroom and they could just use them when needed.
In Reception they had to ask the teacher and leave the classroom (the toilets were next door).
For the first couple of weeks loads of the kids were coming out at the end of the day absolutely bursting to go and the teacher realised what was going on so they had a "what to do when you need the toilet" lesson.

Yeah withholding probably isn't the answer. We did give him a little token to represent us to carry with him but he didn't seem that into the idea

Thanks for your post. It makes me sad to think he may still remember this feeling in 30 years though. He certainly hasn't mentioned the fire alarm but perhaps it is a worry of being stuck in there.

Oh dear march feels so far away! I'm not sure I will be able to keep leaving work at lunch until then.
I think we all thought when he wasn't going at nursery that it was something he would just grow out of. With hindsight I wish we would have put him in for longer hours and solved the problem there.

Yeah he knows to ask and then teachers are asking him. The person we have been assigned doesn't work in the classroom so she has been popping in twice in the afternoons to ask him. She did manage to get him to go in the cubicle so that's one tiny step forward!