Reception child will not use the toilet without a parent present

[JJJ2021]

My son has just started reception class and will not go to the toilet without a parent present. Was not an issue at nursery because he did half day and could hold it. School is trying to help, we have been assigned a person who is coming with us to take him to the toilet but he still won't go without us present. The trouble is everything I read online is relating to a sensory issue, eg they don't like the smell or the sound but this isn't the case with our son, it is purely he needs us there to go. Please has anyone experienced anything similar and how can we get over this?

My daughter refused to use a toilet until 1 week before starting reception, she was so attached to the potty. I made a toilet desensitisation plan using ChatGPT based on her favourite show. I bought some toy figures and wrote notes from each character to encourage her to try and sit on it- really low pressure messages like “even a tiny try is something to celebrate, I’m proud of you!” And “I know you can do this, you’ll know when you’re ready!” And gave her one every day whether she dared to try or not. And every couple of days I’d up the pressure e.g just sit in it today, you don’t have to wee. Sit a bit longer, try for a wee today…She thought it was amazing and it worked in less than a week!

could you plan something similar, so working on going when you’re outside the cubicle, then outside the bathroom, then waiting outside the classroom further away and will come to give him a hug once he’s had a try etc, before eventually telling him he has to try without you one morning but you’ll be in later if he really needs you, then he has to try but without you there and you’ll only come if the teacher calls etc… find a way to really break it down so he can overcome the anxiety by celebrating tiny successes each day while still feeling secure.

if you can help him crack it in tiny steps hopefully his confidence will grow. He’ll get there though, it’s really common!

It's probably going to feel a bit like 3 steps forward 2 steps back for a while but progress is progress, once he gets over the fear of one element it will be less fearful the next time. It's frustrating for everyone, I can imagine.

We work so child would have to wet itself. We wouldn't be able to come and sort it during the day. Learning by doing unfortunately.

You can say no.

I would make sure to send in an extra set of clothes.

@JJJ2021this happened to one of my kids, years ago now. I used to take him in the morning and reward him for using the toilet. The school didn’t suggest coming at lunchtime. I don’t think that’s even an option because of Covid. It was very distressing but it did get resolved but it was tough love (not my choice!!!). Are there other behaviours to be worried about? I feel like if it was part of a care plan or something you might get flexibility

It could be the idea of getting locked in.
My eldest got locked in a toilet cubicle at the age of like 3 and even now at 10, still asks me to hold the door shut anywhere but home incase it gets stuck.
Is it an old building? Did he ever go at nursery or is it just something he's never done? Does he go at family members houses or friends? He may have just made the direct association with you being at any toilet that isn't at home. It was actually our nursery who cracked our toilet challenges for youngest, but only once he'd built a relationship with his key worker.

Could the teacher or assigned person call you, and put the phone on loud speaker while he goes to the toilet? It's all well and good posters saying keep going with him but I simply wouldn't be able to leave work like this for months on end. Not many people would be able to!

I'm not sure the comments will work with him but I will definitely give it a go anyway. We are trying a step by step thing this week where I have written each step down and we will see how far down the list he manages to get.

I also work but nearby so am popping out for a lunch break to do it. We have stopped going in the afternoon because we were worried it was sending a message that he didn't have to try.

No other issues really, he is quite sensitive and unfortunately very stubborn but I don't think he has other sen issues.

No never went at nursery but wasn't so much of a problem because he just did mornings. He will go for my mum sometimes but not always. If they are out and about he wouldn't go for her, although he used to when he was on the potty. He will use any toilet without a worry as long as I'm there or his dad. We went away and were using some really disgusting public loos but he didn't mind at all because we were there.

Not sure that would work, have tried it in the past and it didn't make a difference.

My sons the same. Wees no problem. But has 1 accident a day. X

Has your son or school given any indication as to what the problem is? Is he scared to go into the cubicle on his own or do they have loud hand dryers maybe? You going into the school isn't sustainable long term and I'm surprised the school suggested it as a solution

How is your son in other public toilets?

My youngest has had terrible spells of toilet refusal on and off since starting school. At no point did the school suggest we go in and take him to the toilet though.

OP does he show signs of separation anxiety in other situations? If he's got wider separation anxiety and he knows that if he refuses to go to the loo then Mummy or Daddy will come in and see him then that's not helpful. Can you take him to the toilets in school at dropoff time and then say to him that you won't be back until pickup?

Be wary of the school making suggestions that make their lives easier rather than helping solve the problem. I do think you need to knock going in at lunchtime on the head ASAP. Yes there will be accidents but not forever.

Also worth giving the school nursing service in your area a call (though might still be the health visitor if he's not 5 yet?). They will have come across this before and should have some ideas.