Do multiple birthday gifts make children expect more as they grow?

[JasminB]

Hello - I am a mum of 2 boys aged 5 and 3 in London. I am keen to raise well grounded boys. I have noticed that an older nephew (11 years old) became almost entitled to expensive / multiple gifts during special occasions like a birthday or christmas. I am wondering whether that was a result of multiple years of receiving a lot of gifts at each occasion as opposed to one meaningful one. What do you think about birthdays, do you recommend the usual multiple gifts or rather 1 single (or during parties, using a birthday pot or equivalent)? On one side it is a big joy for them to open the gifts, but on the other side, gifts can me redundant or unwanted?

I dont think its physical items that spoil children. Its not being taught to respect items.

You are right. thank you. I remember we threw a birthday party for my older when he turned 5, and obviously there were 25 children attending, and obviously 25 gifts! the full unpacking was exciting at the beginning, but as it continues it became a bit more mechanical and less appreciative, and obviously he played for a little bit with most of the toys over the next couple of days and that was it. So it made me wonder whether he can really appreciate things and develop respect towards items if he deals from a young age with an abundance of items that might feel overwhelming. I might try it differently this year, but great to have multiple experiences of course

I try to keep what happens when you throw a big birthday party separate from what happens with our gifts. Realistically you're not throwing a class party every year for the whole of their childhood so they only get 25/30 gifts from friends once or twice. My eldest is 8 and it moved very quickly from gifts to cash or vouchers from a smaller number of party goers.

With our presents, it really does vary, some years it's a big gift with a couple of smaller ones (a bike or scooter) other years it might be a few more medium sized gifts. I also don't spend the same on my DC each year, depending on what gifts they are getting. I don't buy them many toys throughout the year so I think that helps as they recognise Christmas & birthday as the key time to get stuff and to appreciate it through the year!

Thanks @Traitorsclaudia, I think that is a good strategy and nice perspective on how gifting evolves aswell with age!

While this is definitely true, I think there is a lot to be said for keeping the bar low in terms of expectations for birthday /Christmas gifts in the early years. Less is definitely more.

When we had whole class parties we didn’t let DC open all the presents at once- we spread it over several days / weekends. We have a large extended family so we do the same with family gifts at birthdays and Christmas.

We found this helped avoid present “fatigue.”

Some people might have considered us mean, but we never did loads of presents under the tree at Christmas. Usually one main, big present plus maybe something like a t-shirt or similar. This was on top of a Santa's stocking. There aren't any excessive number of relatives either, and those there are, we're relatively restrained.
Parties were also smaller affairs (12 max usually) and luckily parents locally didn't get into competitive gifting!

So, yes, we didn't believe in going over the top with presents, but at the same time, they never went short and I don't think they ever felt deprived.

You can’t really tell other people what to gift your child. Maybe if it’s grandparents and they genuinely don’t mind but asking for cash contributions to a big group gift from school mates coming to his party would be a massive no no and you will sound like a spoil sport if you request no gifts. Just encourage a clear out and a charity donation before the party. And remember you’re also teaching him about good manners and societal expectation- that if you are invited, you take a gift. And by all means limit what you buy him to one main present + a stocking at Christmas.

We are financially comfortable and our children have nice gifts. But not ridiculous ones, like no one has ever gotten a brand new iPad or a £200 Lego set (though they’ve asked for it). But a bike or a game or toy they want. They are decent gifts, but absolutely I don’t buy mountains of them.

No, it doesn’t make them spoilt because we’ve raised them not to be. Teaching a child to not be entitled doesn’t just happen on birthdays. Mine are constantly reminded how privileged they are and I don’t tolerate snobbery or bratty behaviour. They know they have a nice lifestyle that their friends do not have. They appreciate it and they see how hard we’ve worked to give them the nice things they enjoy. They know we will not accept them acting entitled or grabby so they aren’t.

That’s parenting though, nothing to do with the gifts we buy. As for parties, we never open gifts in front of others (okay, maybe for granny or aunt/uncle, but not at the party). We say thank you and open them privately.

Yes, I think some kids will work on the precedent of what has happened before, so if they got lots of expensive gifts one year, they may expect it to happen again unless it's made clear that it's on a needs basis and only happens occasionally eg a bike, or a laptop. Also, pre-teens are often quite hopeful about these things, a lot of what they want (and sometimes need) is expensive.

Kids the age of 3 and 5 don't have much context of money so just the exciting things. I don't think it spoils them to get a few lovely items they will appreciate and use over the year. The big party thing doesn't happen very often, I think we did the whole class once per child. Whilst it's a bit overwhelming, I think the quality and volume is better when they get a bit older and have fewer invites/attendees. The area you can influence is relatives, if you are hoping to buy a big climbing frame (or whatever) then ask for contributions, or you could just say please limit to one or two things max. If they are not the first grandchildren this is less of an issue I think.

I don’t think it’s less to do with the number of gifts and more how you teach your child to be thankful, notice the value in items and manage their expectations on a daily basis.

Totally agree with this.

Obviously you can't control what other people give your child, but you can choose a few things that they will definitely enjoy.

1 or 2 "main" things that they are definitely going to enjoy plus a stocking is plenty for parents to give a child at Christmas (especially if the child is also going to be receiving multiple gifts from other people). No-one needs an avalanche of gifts, most of which will probably never be used much and just detracts from the gifts that they might have enjoyed if they hadn't got lost in the pile of other stuff.

I don't think that over-gifting on its own "spoils" children, but it definitely contributes to a general perspective of entitlement and promotes materialistic values as a way of marking occasions...

We do several presents usually 4 or 5 but there is only on major present. We try to do want, need, read, wear and share so there is quite a mix of presents.

We appreciate that even at 6 a bit part of the joy of presents is the unwrapping so anything she needs around her birthday/Christmas gets wrapped up as a present.

At her last birthday she had one present she really wanted plus a beavers t shirt & cap as she's moving up from squirrels (wear), a football kit as she had outgrown her previous one (need), a new book (read) and some garden games for us all to do (share).

I do multiple gifts, but admittedly a lot of the gifts are things that I want dcs to have (like STEM toys, musical instruments, art materials and books), which I'd be getting them anyway, I just wrap them up and give it on their birthday/Christmas. I want my dcs to experience a range of toys and other items which are just part of a childhood experience, and it would be hard to give them all the things I want to, if I only gave one present at each birthday or Christmas. Unless I just gave them those things without it being a present, but then they're still getting lots of things overall.

My dcs are definitely in a bit of a bubble, as we're better off than I was as a child, and can afford to get them most things they want. And since I've started using Vinted I'm happy to get more frivolous toys and gadgets as they are cheap enough secondhand that it doesn't matter to me if they get bored of it after a week (it then gets put away for younger sibling and after that can be passed on again).

For big parties it's the norm here for each child to bring a physical gift, and parents never club together or give cash. It does end up being a huge volume but we make time to sit down with each item and play with at least once (and then sibling gets a chance to play) so there is always a decent amount of use out of it.

For birthdays we always gave the choice of party or present. So if we paid for 20+ of their friends to do an activity with them we didn’t buy a gift also as the guests would each bring a small gift.

Thanks to my ex husband, my kids have been used to having lots of presents to unwrap at birthday/Christmas. It's fun for about half an hour, but then I'm left with trying to find space for lots of new stuff. Things also get very expensive now they are teens and that is how they expect birthdays/Christmas to be.
This year I'm actually going to stick to no crap and keeping to a budget and no doubt they will initially be a little disappointed (they're not ungrateful, they won't show it) but then next year they will know what to expect!
If I could go back in time, I would have put my foot down and never allowed them to have ridiculous amounts of presents!

Balance.

Spoiled kids come from an imbalance between:

What they receive
and
What they are expected to give (both in terms of thanks, and gifts/help to others.

That gives you 4 options:

1 - low giving, low expectations on them giving back = Fine, no problem
2 - high giving, low expectations on them giving back = likely spoiled
3 - low giving, high expectations on them giving back = resentful in the long-run
4 - high giving, high expectations on them giving back = fine, no problem.

As long as you have balance it is fine. That is why you will get threads on here of some people with stories of kids that had mountains of presents and end up as spoiled brats, and equally other stories of people who received tons, but ended up loving giving and being very thankful. It all comes down to the expectations you place on your children.

Are you making/helping/expecting them to really put an effort in for other peoples birthday? Are you teaching them to love giving and setting the expectation that they will always thank others and show gratitude for what they receive? etc. It all builds in to a balance.

Our children get so much from family on their birthdays and Christmas we tend not to get them too much. However, we do get them things they ask for at other times of the year when they need them. I worry this is spoiling them but then they also really appreciate it when they get something they need instead of being overwhelmed by getting lots of stuff at one point. They also have to earn it through good behaviour rather than an expectation for a birthday or Christmas. I definitely think some people over do it

I think when they are little, there is a lot of excitement in the opening of presents. So at Christmas, for example, I was always careful to make sure my dc had the same number of presents, and would wrap up things like hair bobbles and bubble bath and new socks etc so they had several things to open, but importantly,, the same number of things as their siblings.

As they get older, and they begin to understand that some items cost a lot more, then they can understand that the thing they asked for, actually cost 10x the whole lot of trinkets their little sibling is opening, and they were alright with that.

I've never done a whole class party, but when they were still quite small and had presents from Great Grandparents as well as Grandparents, at Christmas, we would 'pace' the opening of the presents, so they only had a few at a time - either spread throughout the day, or, they opened them when they saw the person giving them the present, rather than on Christmas day

@Acg1991 How interesting! I also struggle with the same thing - also when living in a flat and having to deal with an avalanche of new toys at once to store in a small room. The tricky part is that there are some views, in this same forum, that asking for cash (or using funding pots like collectionpot or birthdaypot.. to collect contributions) is a no no ? it is practical as you can buy one meaningful wanted gift instead of receiving redundant things. But perhaps more acceptable / practical for older kids? Would love to hear your views!

@Bitzee I am really interested in hearing your views on why you think asking for contributions is a no no to buy one single gift that can be opened during the birthday party? I was thinking potentially of using one of those platforms for the next birthday but open to hear views against it 🙏thank you!

Really nice perspective @lxn889121 I like how you lay out the 4 scenarios!

It's just not the done thing.

I mean, people might well put a fiver in a card rather than a physical gift, but it is up to the parents of the invitee. Many parents will buy presents when they are on offer and keep a stock 'in' . Some will re-gift duplicates or things their child showed no interest in.

When they are teenagers, you can ask relatives to give cash towards something, but when they are little, it is exciting to have something to open. That can, of course include clothes or if they want something like a quilt cover or towel with their favourite character on it.
But friends are always free to choose if they give anything in the first place, and, if they do, then they choose what to get.

My Mum has always big on 'having something to open' so even if I was getting a big gift, that couldn't be wrapped like money straight into my account or a day out she would always include something small and inexpensive like or book or cheap earrings so i had something to open. I am surprised the people only get one gift that is odd to me, I don't consider myself entitled but I thought it was normal to get more than one gift for birthdays and Christmas.

The short answer is, yes.

A child who receives ten presents for their birthday will expect ten presents the next year and will feel short-changed when they don't get them. The same with Christmas, a child used to getting a mountain of present will expect a mountain of presents. This isn't the child's fault or indicative of being spoilt necessarily. It's just that we build our expectations on previous experience.

My advice would be to start small, you can always get more the next year, but it's very difficult to start getting them less. Make passing on toys they no longer need/play with a normal part of the pre-birthday/Christmas experience. Firstly, because your house doesn't have elastic walls, if they want more stuff to come in then something has to go to make room for it. Secondly because it reinforces that before receiving new toys they need to first gift their old toys. That giving and receiving are part of a cycle, it's as much about what you give as what you get.