Advice from other 50/50 parents - I’m broken

[doubleorquitz]

My ex got award 50-50. Im broken. I don’t know how im going to carry on. Please tell me I will stop crying.

Is there a reason you think it shouldn't be 50/50?

Im not here to argue it, im here for help to carry on.

I don’t think poster was arguing, just trying to understand what the issues are eg are you worried about quality of care when your dc is with the other parent?

How old are the kids? I’ve been 50/50 since my daughter was 9 and she’s now 17. At first it feels like your world has ended but it honestly gets better.

what is the split pattern?

What was the arrangement previously? Are they safe and happy with their dad?

Didn’t want to read and run. Don’t know the circumstances but can imagine if you’ve been used to having your children every day, the thought of only seeing them half the time would be crushing. I do have friends with this arrangement and as the kids grow older it has allowed them to have some time for themselves and refill their cup which I think is definitely needed when a single parent. You can do this x x

I do think we need some more context to help. I love being 50/50. We do a week on week off. I love my DD but she can be hard work!

Try to see the positives. You are with your kids and when you’re not you can work, self care, hobbies a full nights sleep and a lie in.. is it just that you won’t see them everyday?

I’m sorry it feels so hard. I have had this pattern for a while now and I have managed to finally get some time and space just for me, I am able to socialise, rest and so on. Try and think of the positives.
Are you worried about your child being safe or is it about how you will cope?

Exactly but never mind.

i cried and cried and cried at first when I was away from my kids. But I slowly began to realise no one cared or knew how I was feeling when I was on my own, and that I may as well enjoy myself! So I saw friends, went away, work hard at a job I love, got hugely into a couple of hobbies and met a partner (who I have been able to keep pretty separate to the kids, my choice as I’ve never wanted a blended family). I am now completely at peace with the situation and think I will deal far better with the empty nest thing when it comes. I also have no idea how I would have coped with 3 kids full time on my own-it is relentless. Breaks allow you to recharge and sort out all the shit. Once the kids have mobiles you can be in constant contact with them anyway, and my oldest now pretty much chooses where she now (which does still vary)

It will get easier I promise. We’re 60/40 but with the split we do now DD has started school it is nearer to 50/50.

I struggled the first few weeks but honestly like others have said, you’ll come to love that time to recharge.

What is the split as think this may be important? I know some people do week on and week off and I think I would struggle more with that. We do mon-weds me, thur-sat- dad one week and the following week is thur-mon drop off with with dad. It means we both get time each week and have a full weekend each.

I’m really sorry you’re struggling, but I think we’d need to understand more about why you’re so upset to advise. Are you worried your kids aren’t safe with your ex, for example?

I do 50/50 with my ex and have not had an issue with it. It’s very important my DC have a good relationship with their dad and he is a good dad who loves and cares for them. I work full time, so when they’re not with me I have time to recharge, get the house in order, do diy, the food shop, life admin … plus time to see friends, do hobbies, exercise etc. I actually feel it makes me a more balanced, less stressed person. But that’s also knowing by DC are happy and looked after. Plus I had them later in life so had an established identity outside of being their mum. I don’t know if that’s any help to you, but it is very possible to have a happy life with 50/50.

Edited to add our split is week on/week off, so go to their dads on Monday night, then after school and dinner with me Thursday, then back to me on Monday night for the rest of that week and see their dad on the Thursday etc. So maximum of 3 days without them.

I think some of the comments lack understanding. This isn’t about whether 50’50 is fair or not this is about how a mum feels not seeing her children. She’s not saying dad shouldn’t have them.

a big hug for you. Try and do all menial tasks in your child free time so that when your chikdren are with you you’re not doing food shops, cleaning bathroom etc.

big hugs xx

Get a job or a better job if you don't like your current one
Enrol on a course
Start a sport or join a gym
Make lots of plans with friends
You'll be ok!

Kids the ones that should be crying 50/50 is so shite for them. I’d hate to have to split my time between two homes and I don’t understand why we expect kids to live like that.

It’s one week on, one week off. As brutal as it gets. They’re ten and twelve- one just started secondary school. Not the right time for this huge adjustment.

Of course they’re upset, they have told him that they don’t want this arrangement but he is saying it can’t be changed.

Thank you, this is same arrangement with no contact days written in the weeks where they stay with him.

It’s one week on, one week off. No contact days which I believe is due to him being reported for domestic abuse.

Thank you, I feel you understand my pain the most. I can’t stop crying. I’m not trying to change it, just reassurance that I will one day be ok. I can’t see the future and nobody I know understands.

At those ages they will be fine. You are reacting very strongly - is that because he abused you? It's very hard having to parent with someone like that but he's the only father they have and it can't be avoided.

I'm so sorry OP I totally understand your pain. The judge ruled 50/50 because my violent exH didn't want to pay any maintenance. My son was 5.
He begged the court and social services not to send him there as he was terribly frightened of his father. His father had played NO part in his upbringing.
After a few months it transpired that his father had been beating and torturing him mentally nd not feeding, clothing or washing him and I got sole custody.
Why do they put kids through this. This is a man who beat me so severely I ended up in hospital. I had to give up my job to get legal aid to fight this and ex was permitted to take me back to court time and again with all kinds of mad accusations.
We were both completely traumatised when this ended.
I firmly believe most fathers are in no way equipped to look after their children and only do it to avoid paying maintenance. I think it's awful for the kids too, they are never settled.

I'm flabbergasted that a physically abusive man is given unsupervised custody of any child. And that the children's wishes are ignored. This is shit, Op.
Complete shit.

They are obssessed with fairness to the father no matter how badly he has abused his wife. It rarely stops with the wife. I'm not the OP but thank God her children are old enough to be able to report abuse or neglect if there is any.