Dad here...struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome

[LucMo]

Hi all,

Apologies for the lengthy post...

I'm a 55 Yr old dad and it's been the privilege of my life to be able to be a dad to two amazing kids.

I've just dropped my eldest off at Uni last Sat, and came back to his empty room...and it just crushed me.
He's 19 now but spent 15yrs in that room that was his and now it's like he was never there.

I'm going to be honest...I've been in tears for days.
Selfishly, because I also think I'm sad all those years I've had with them (the younger is about to turn 18) being their protector, their provider...playing with them, hugging, reading a bedtime story or singing them to sleep, adventures with them, being able to tell them something about the world that made them say 'wow', bath times, taking them to school, picking them up and cuddling them whenever they or I needed it....those times are now over for me.
And this event, really hit this home to me.

Now, I'm very grateful for what I do have, two amazing/healthy kids, a wife I adore and love more than ever, good friends and financially stable.
And I understand that they need to move on and my role is still 'Dad' and I get to enjoy a different journey with them now, more as 'counsellor' than 'director' and I am looking forward to that too, but I am so going to miss these times I had with them and wanted to understand how others had coped with this?

I feel unusual in this, as I don't really know if others I know have felt this sadness as much as I'm feeling.
Some of this could relate to the fact that I lost my dad suddenly in an accident when I was 13 and missed him so much growing up. I always knew I'd love to have kids and sort of re-build that connection through my own kids, and I'm so grateful I've had that opportunity.

While his room is empty, one process I'm undertaking, is re-doing his room with a new make-over. Decorating it, and upgrading furniture, so when he does come back home, it's still his room with his things in it, but changed from a kids room to a more grown up rooms that's his.

Anyway, that's it. Sorry again for the long post, but would love to hear if anyone had similar experiences.

Thanks loads.

Hi OP. I think your post is beautiful; you have a wonderful family and have obviously shared many happy years and wonderful memories together.

This is now the next chapter for you all; it will feel odd to begin with, like a new, uncomfortable shoe. But, as time goes on and you all walk in this new path of life, it will become comfortable, once again.

As our children become more independent, we no longer walk side-by-side with them. Instead, we watch them go ahead, paving their own way in this world. That's not to say they leave us behind; our role changes and we remain there, for them.

And let's not forget, the joys of our young grown ups coming home and bringing their washing for us, like good old times!

It can be traumatic, try to think of it as launching him into adulthood. But he will come back for holidays and may well live at home again when he's finished, for a while at least. Downhill to Christmas hols, not far away. And if he doesn't mind you could visit, we used to go once in a while to drop off bits (calls for things forgotten or suddenly needed or just a few treats) and just go in the uni cafe for a coffee and a chat.

I can't really relate as my youngest who is 19 is too disabled to ever leave home. Or have a life of his own. I get to worry about his future when I'm gone.

You've raised your kids to feel confident enough to leave and experience the world. That's a pretty decent job well done OP and in time you may get the best part of having kids. The grandbabies. Plus you'll get to know your kids as adults. It's just a new journey.

I was upset when my son went to uni, but he was back home for Christmas, then Easter and then the summer break. He stayed with us for about a third of the year during his time at university, which softened the blow considerably. He then lived with us for a further 4 years before moving out at the age of 25. If I'd known all this was going to happen, I wouldn't have been so upset in the first place.

Roots and wings. It’s great that they’ve set off. Brace yourself for seventh week and the phone call that they’ve been living it up and not a single essay in. I’m worrying myself sick at a grandchild going off and he’s got his own parents to worry about him. Loving children and their children means we have to put up with our own years and hide them. Stiff gin helps me.

We are in process of doing this OP and it's a hard change. A good one for them and a necessary step but hard for us.
We are also going to move and create adult spaces for them, big enough that they can bring a partner back with them.
We are also going to focus on more couples based things.

Aww this is so sweet 🥺. What lucky kids to have a parent like you! Not all kids are so lucky.

Hobbies, travelling and having fun! Youve done it!

How lovely , i felt the same when one of my twin daughters moved out . Have you thought about fostering

Thanks for all the replies so far.
This all helps.

My friend is going through this and she’s in a heap! Her and her husband went through a rough patch and have now started dating again, she said they’re enjoying sitting in and reading or watching tv s and chatting like they used to

My dad told me many years after the fact that he cried all the way home the day he first dropped me off at university. It's a big change, but you haven't lost him, your relationship is just going to change and grow.

If its any help i dropped my youngest on saturday and me and my wife cried all the way home and still are. We miss her terribly - the house is empty and no soul. We feel that our hearts have been ripped out.

Both my DDs moved out within a week of each other to different Universities. It was awful. My DH and I grieved- no other word for it. As time went by we settled into a new routine. Christmas and they both returned. The house was noisy and busy. They returned to Uni and we breathed a sigh of relief to have the quiet return. Yes we still missed them but we had come to enjoy just the two of us.
So yes you will grieve but you will find a new normal and those times when he is home you will enjoy all the more.

Celebrate the fact that you’ve successfully raised a child who is happy to leave the nest and fly.
Your little one has fledged. You’ve done a sterling job OP.

It’s a big change when the youngest leaves but it feels normal and ‘right’ before you know it.
I was suprised at how little I missed mine but I think it was because I knew they were happy and doing the right things for themselves.
They also come home a lot!
Id slightly question your idea about becoming their ‘councillor’ rather than their ‘director’ . You might find they don’t want you to have that role. Dont over think it and wait to see what they want.
My kids are in their late 20s and older now. It’s a great time. They are all settled in jobs, relationships and homes and are all happy. We get together often and it’s just lovely. I’m still Mum but I’m not doing any Mum’ing. I just hanging out with my kids having fun.

I was the same when my eldest went - rest assured by the time the next one goes you will be ready to wave them off with a cheery smile 🤣. Think of this as a job well done - all that love and attention you’ve given him for 19 years was inevitably leading to this. You have grown a capable adult human ready to start his own life just as it should be. Now your job is to look forward to this great new chapter in your own life full of possibilities.

Uni terms are short and holidays are long. They are at home more than away.
Concentrate on your younger child - you haven't got an empty nest, and moping about won't be helping them.

I'd enjoy it while you can. We had an empty nest for a year when both DCs were at uni. We were starting to enjoy life as a couple again.
Now the eldest has been home for 2 years, has a decent job, but works from home most of the time, and can't afford to move out. Youngest has just graduated and moved back home because they can't find a job (any job).
Our empty nest is a dim and distant memory and 4 adults in the house is a struggle.

What a lovely post. It sounds like you've done a fantastic job so far - and the love and effort you've put into the relationships will mean that you continue to have a close bond into their adulthoods. I'm almost 40 and adore my Dad, we're super close and spend a lot of time together.

Awww. Well you've made me cry too! Just cry the tears, feel the feelz, and when you are ready, get up and make some food and appreciate that everything you put in your fridge is still there. Focus on the good parts of the new life and new relationships, and know that everything changes, every day, every moment.

Yes it’s tough

and the better you are as a parent - in raising healthy , capable children , the more they are likely to forge their lives with you just in the background somewhere

and this isn’t the end - they will be back and forth for a few years but each stage of independence hurts a little more

by Christmas I would hope that you have stated to plan the next stage of your life. Think about things you have wanted to do? Travel the world? Safari ? Something to save and plan for ?

something to learn - language, music, crafts
something active - sports, gym
something social - any old friends who have recently had their kids fly the nest? Mens shed ?
something to give back - volunteering

I think I must be very hard-hearted! I did not shed a tear when any of mine departed for uni.

I had such a strong bond with each of them that I knew that we would still be close, just that the practical scenario would be different. I am sure this is the same with your son.

You have given him a solid base as a springboard into his adult life and you will relate to him in a slightly different way now. But you will never stop worrying about him!

We saw lots of them after they left for uni. Two of them because they had a boyfriends in home area - I think they were the attraction rather than us! But there were long vacations - so long that I began to wonder what we were forking out for! - and long phone calls. They still needed us for advice on all sorts of things, and always turned to us during the challenging moments.

Your secure base is still of value to him, both practically and emotionally.

I hope he settles in quickly and returns for vacations with lots of tales to tell - but he will not tell you all of them!

Sorry you are also feeling this way.
I guess it just sometimes hits so hard.

I'm finding these replies useful though and that it is genuine grief we need to acknowledge and move through.

I am focussing my energy on positive things like
a) redecorating their room so it's lovely for them when they return
b) acknowledging that my role has changed (much as I will miss it) but accepting that the new role is also exciting and trying to be the best dad I can be in it
c) looking forward to them coming back at Christmas
d) planning some holidays together in the future

She sent me some pictures today and my only solice is that she is making friends. Another post was reall6 good abput sending your child some vouchers for a coffee shop where they know as a parent you are still there. Very hard and have never had to face something like this.

OP, I cried over 3 days when my eldest son left home (at 18). Of course, he doesn't know and never will. But he has done so well and I am so proud of him! We have a great relationship.

My youngest son is currently looking for a flat with his girlfriend but they plan to live locally.

You do get used to it, I promise!

Just a wary comment on rushing in to the room redecoration. If your DC comes home for the holidays and finds their room looks completely different, it may not feel like their room anymore to them. It could cause an abrupt mental shift from "coming home for the holidays" to "visiting for the holidays".

Different people may feel differently, and you'll know your DC best, but just be wary that redecorating the room may not land quite as you intend - especially if you're planning to make it a surprise.