Parents don’t help me with childcare

[champagneblonde90]

I have 2 daughters - a toddler (2y 8m) & newborn & I’m a SAHM & really ever since my first was born my parents have never really been there to help.
like they’ll come visit & stuff but don’t ever help with the kids at all, just sit there expect to be waited on & expect me to do everything makes them teas, lunches etc. AND do all the kids stuff as well while they just sit there on the sofa watching TV.

I find it odd as my husbands parents are the complete opposite & do everything to help us, play with kids feed them, make the teas lunches bring stuff etc. even take my 2 yo once a week. ask if I wanna go for a shower wash my hair, go for walk etc. while they look after them.
my parents would and never have once offered to do this.. I don’t think it would ever cross their mind to even ask.
I don’t know if it’s that they don’t want to or just don’t think to ask..

Maybe they think cos I’m a SAHM I should be able to cope on my own as they do a lot for my older sisters cos they work - do school runs, take them out for days out bearing in mind they’re similar age to my kids. (1 is the same age!)
but for some reason they never wanna help me.. just happy to let me struggle even when they can see struggling. 😔

also they’re both retired and have a lot of free time so it’s not as if they’re working or don’t have much time on their hands..
they also both live on their own (divorced)

Am I being unreasonable or expecting too much of them to help a little??

Maybe they dont like young children or find it too exhausting. Be grateful you have willing in laws.

But they help my sisters with their kids just not mine even though 1 of my sisters isn’t working right now they still take her kids out..

Not every grandparent actually can do the job you expect! At least they visit?

They do bcos they do it for my sisters .. what I don’t get is if they do it for them why not for me? Just cos I’m not working doesn’t mean it should be easy.

You have a huge amount of support from your in laws, maybe your sisters don’t so your parents are giving them more time and energy. If you ask for specific help - eg to wash your hair while they watch the kids - do they say no?

With several children and multiple grandchildren and presumably lives, friends, interests, other responsibilities of their own they sound very busy, maybe they’re just happy to be having a rest watching tv at yours and think you’ve got everything under control.

I thought they helped both your sisters whilst they worked?

If they are helping your sister who also isn’t working, why don’t you ask them why?

strange. Maybe your sisters asked them and they’re waiting for you to ask?

Just ask them for help see what happens. My parents do nothing. But that's normal. They don't help period. My mil does. She's very hands on despite being 10 years older than my parents

Maybe they’re waiting to be asked, and don’t want to intrude or overstep the mark.

Have you mentioned this to them? Are they aware your in laws are involved and therfore think they dont need to offer as you have support? Its still shitty they expect you to wait hand and foot on them though!

Next time, dont offer tea, lunch etc and of they say anything just say "you know where the kitchen is, and ill have a tea thanks"

Have you spoken to them about how you’re feeling?

I’ll be really honest all my kids grandparents are dead and we both work full time with zero support
if I was a sahm my life would be soooooo easy I have to juggle all the home stuff AND work
your in-laws sound lovely - just be grateful you have them

You've stated you don't know if they don't think to ask or just don't want to which means you haven't asked them for help @champagneblonde90. They aren't mind readers. Ask them to watch the children while you shower. Ask them to bring lunch when they visit.

You’ll really need to ask them. Otherwise you’ll never know. Maybe since you don’t work they can’t see what you might need help with.

I agree with you and I'd be very hurt by this.

Are they busy enough looking after other grandchildren?

Presumably your sisters actually asked for help.

Why do so many mumsnetters expect their parents to read their minds over stuff like this? Why can you not say "would you mind makeling a cuppa/DC's lunch while I finish washing up/feeding the baby?" or "could you look after the kids for a few minutes while I have a shower please?"

It was a choice to have 2 young children you knew for your first, so why on earth would you assume any different with your second, maybe they want their own life and not be used for constant childcare

Thanks for all the replies

Yes you’re right I should just ask I just feel bad asking .. they probably would if I asked

they could at least make the teas tho 🤣

So they are busy with a prior commitment. How are they suppoed to look after your child as well?

Having been a single, full time working mum for the last 16 years, I ran a department full time plus looked after my child, organised childcare, did all drop offs and pick ups, did evey evening, overnight and weekend. No partner, no grandparents to help out and no local family. Just me.

You don't work outside the home, and have a live-in committed partner, so I'm struggling to see your issue. Why did you have a 2nd child if you don't want to look after them both?

If you don't ask and let them know what you want, they don't read minds. This may be on you.

Otherwise, you do have a helpful set of grandparents, which is a lot more than many get.

They are your children not theirs, they didn’t choose to have them, you did.

I'm just thinking from my parents perspective if I was a SAHM. Their stance would be that if you have children and don't even work because you live a comfortable life where your husband earns enough to support 4 people, the least you could do is take care of the children yourself. Many women do this while also having work in the mix.You wouldn't need additional help from family for this reason.

I know you said a sister doesn't work at the .moment, is this a temporary thing? Eg she is looking for a job after being made redundant/sacked and is maybe using the time when grandparents take the children to jobhunt or have interviews. This is fair enough, you can't do this things with a child on your lap.

I'm just guessing here but from an elderly outsiders perspective you have the cushy lifestyle while the other siblings are struggling and need more help. As lady of the house you should also be able to host!

I thought the reason why someone becomes a SAHM was so they could dedicate their time to look after their children. Then when the DH returns from work, he can then share the load. You already have lots of help from the in laws, so you are in a far better position than most people.