Unmet school SEN needs is making me reconsider getting married

[Nesscooper]

Hello all,

I'm after advice or maybe just a place to share to get grounded more.

Currently my son has struggled with the transition from primary to high school. He originally was meant to go to a specialist send school but ended up in mainstream. This has made him very depressed and sad to the point he won't go into the school.

I've been fighting years for his ehcp to be robust enough for a specialist school. This was recommended by health professionals as well as his past school. As many of you know it's a tough fight where gaslighting and ghosting occurs. Multiple times he went to panel for the specialist school and multiple times I was not updated with the outcome, meaning the time passed where I could've requested tribunal.

Now there's so many issues with the current school, from information handling to thinking allowing him a timer and the ability to take his blazer off is enough.

Panel is in October and my wedding is after this at the end of October.

I've been so stressed the past few months I have forgotten to book things for the wedding as most days I am contacting multiple people regarding my son's send needs. My dress has damaged which I can't find anyone local who has space to repair too as it's so close to date.

However I also have seen so many couples go through fighting these processes and that the time waiting for tribunal can be up to two years. Many couples intimacy vanishes or becomes strained during this time. It's made me really think lately if I want to put my partner through that.

We currently have a very robust relationship however since having to speak with more people to get my son's disability needs met our intimacy has lessened. I feel so stressed all the time I feel our communication is focusing on how to get my son support and very little space for other things.

We're trying so hard but pushing against a system that often will make it challenging to navigate.

I've read that many couples so break up and that some don't. Also reading more about couples living separately to navigate the send process stress too and this working for them.

I feel like my wedding is already ruined due to this.

I care deeply for my son and he needs someone to stand up for him. But championing for him has meant many of my dreams are vanishing.

This is a sad read. I would love to tell you to go ahead and have an amazing day, but I realise it may not be that simple.

Post phone it. Your not going to enjoy it while feeling sad about your son's situation.

I agree - postpone it. As a parent of two SEN DC myself, I have seen the strain it puts on so many relationships. Tribunals are very stressful; although imo it’s less stressful to go tribunal for a specialist school in the long run, where their needs can be met; than having DC in mainstream and they are not coping until they leave school through school refusing, EBSA, whatever!

I don't think it's going to be possible to have the wedding of your dreams with the pressure you're under, so what you do now depends on why you have chosen to get married now.

If it previously seemed like a good time to choose, it probably isn't any longer and I'd postpone it.

If there's an underlying reason then perhaps go ahead with something very low key and have a big celebration later.

Good luck with the panel.

I'm not sure I can postpone. So much money has gone into it and many family members attending are towards the end of their life :(

I'm guessing whilst it may take ages it reduces more long term harm.

This is so tough 😞

This is giving me some other things to think about.

Gonna have a little winged as really it feels unfair, ok feel better now but still really do wish it was easier these processes.

You never expect these things to seep into other areas of your life.

I’m so sorry things are so tough for you.

ultimately you have a few options - what feels the best? There is no perfect answer.

Postpone to a future date - there will be some logistical challenges, you might incur costs, some relatives may not be able to attend, you might still be having a tough time in the future. But it would take the pressure off now and you could have the wedding of your dreams.

Carry on with the planned day and most/all of the things you wanted to do - there will be a lot of work and you may feel too stressed to enjoy the planning or the day. But you would have the wedding of your dreams or something like it and your relatives could all come.

Carry on with the planned day but scale down the plans substantially. There will still be work to do while you’re stressed and you won’t have the wedding of your dreams. But you might feel less stressed and your relatives could still all come.

I can’t think of any other options but there may be some.

If you can, I would postpone.

Did you ever get the finalised the phase transfer EHCP (hopefully by 15th Feb of Y6, like they should have done) with the right appeal? I ask because your OP isn’t clear whether you did but decided not to appeal because the LA strung you along by promising to take it back to panel, or whether you didn’t. And it is important to know.

If the former, it is a good lesson in not trusting the LA. They say a lot of things they don’t go on to do. Did you see if SENDIST would accept a late appeal? Not guaranteed to be allowed but sometimes grant leave to appeal out of time. Is the panel next month following a formal early review?

If the latter and you didn’t get the finalised phase transfer EHCP with appeal rights, have you chased that? If so, where have you got up to?

The main thing id consider is that being married will add to your pressure and your partner will have new expectations around being newly married. Do you have more to
give? If not, then please postpone regardless of the inconvenience. Get married when you are able to enjoy it and pay attention to your marriage.

We challenged the transfer and ehcp but where ignored and had to fight further for an updated plan. We are just getting the updated plan finalised but they are still trying to name mainstream. Even though there are many educational barriers and social barriers.

This makes me really sad to the point of tears to read but also something I really need to think about.

The whole process is making me so unwell too even my healthcare provider can see it's stopping me from looking after myself.

A wedding is just one day and a party. The marriage is the important part. Who cares if the wedding isn’t perfect because your focus is elsewhere? If your focus is on your son’s needs delegate everything else to your partner. He can decide napkin colours and make a playlist as well as you can. You don’t have to do everything. Then enjoy the day and get on with being married.

I know you say you “challenged the transfer and ehcp but where ignored and had to fight further for an updated plan.’ But that is the bit that isn’t clear. What exactly do you mean? This is important.

I am trying to work out if:
A) you got a finalised EHCP naming the secondary placement (which should have been done by 15th Feb), didn’t agree with the placement named but didn’t appeal to SENDIST because the LA strung you along by promising to take it back to panel.
Or
B) The LA didn’t finalise the phase transfer EHCP as they should have done and just strung you along with promises of ‘the panel’.
I ask because the answer influences your options.

Is the panel next month following a formal early review meeting? Or is it just another promise of a panel?

They finalised even though we requested to appeal. But also they finalised his whole ehcp incorrectly and a new ehcp is now being drafter which reflects his actual needs.

Yeah they refused appeal as they stated he'd go to panel again. Which was again based on an incorrect ehcp.

We only got the new draft ehcp end of August and it is more robust. We have challenged sections of it which are being checked and used so many services to check and suggest alterations to the draft.

The new ehcp should be complete next week. It is so much better.

Panel is 21st October and we will be appealing the way you mentioned if failed.

He's a child who doesn't even understand basic body anatomy. We have tried so many learning methods at home and in his old school, but his processing etc is a big challenge for him.

Worth noting the local authority were ignoring many of our emails in February after they had placed him into mainstream on his ehcp

I think it would help you to start learning more about SEN law and EHCPs. IPSEA and SOSSEN are good places to start.

They finalised even though we requested to appeal.
Yeah they refused appeal as they stated he'd go to panel again.

I think you are confused about what an appeal is. If you didn’t go to Tribunal, you didn’t appeal. They are the same thing. You don’t appeal to the LA. You appeal to SENDIST. You can’t appeal until after the LA has finalised. You don’t get appeal rights until then. The LA doesn’t need your permission to finalise.

The LA will ignore emails. If you disagreed with the EHCP, the onus was on you to appeal, I’m afraid. If the appeal window closed before you realised you needed to appeal, did you see if SENDIST would accept a late appeal?

The new ehcp should be complete next week. It is so much better.
Panel is 21st October and we will be appealing the way you mentioned if failed.

If the amended EHCP should be completed (i.e. finalised) next week, that should have the placement named in it. The LA should not be waiting until the panel in October before deciding placement. If the LA finalise the amended EHCP next week and it doesn’t name your preferred placement, you should submit an appeal. Don’t be fobbed off by ‘the panel’.

Going against the grain and suggest you sit down with your fiance and see what is arranged, paid for and that you could adapt into a lower key event. It might be good to focus elsewhere for a bit and have something to look forward to. Likewise you need to give some attention to your health. You need to be in a better place to deal with the hearing and it sounds as if most of the ground work is done anyway.

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The main thing id consider is that being married will add to your pressure and your partner will have new expectations around being newly married. Do you have more to
give? If not, then please postpone regardless of the inconvenience. Get married when you are able to enjoy it and pay attention to your marriage.

I actually had to comment because I disagree with this- marriage doesn’t change a partnership- if they've been there for you being married won’t change that. I suppose the biggest thing is whether you want to get married and what you want the day to be. We made our marriage happen within two months because my dad was dying. It possibly wander what it would have been if we’d taken a year to plan but it was a million percent better in so many ways

Thank you so much this is all very helpful. If the school is still the same I will appeal. If I'm honest there were no emails stating how to buy you've helped share what's needed so I'm grateful.

When you received the finalised amended EHCP, there should have been a decision letter from the LA informing you of the right of appeal, giving the details for the mediation company, etc.

Can your fiance take over all organisation of the wedding while you concentrate on DS?

One person from the local authority today has suggested my partner leave his job to take my son to school and back as my son is a flight risk and does not understand danger.

I have multiple complex health requirements meaning I can't do this.

We've looked into taxis and none are available.

We have looked into Sen childminders and none in our area take on his age or do school pick ups and drop offs.

We have no family or friends locally to help.

Our local MP have already stated both me and my partner should not give up work or sacrifice health over this as it is the local authorities responsibility.

We're appealing the decision. But it's another thing making me question putting him through all this.

He's disabled himself and took years to get work. We've looked into reduced hours and it's not possible for his role. But also looked into employment law and for someone without parental rights how much you take off is limited when caring for a household child. He works a fair distance away from home too due to collection and pick up times he would only be in work and hour a day.

No advice op just solidarity. I've had to give up work because my son can't always access school and we awaiting a ehcp. Feels like you need a law degree to navigate the ehcp system. We haven't got to secondary school yet I absolutely dread it.

It all feels very unfair and there is zero support.

Agree I feel I have done more wrapping ting and research than any of my actual degree or further ed training ever required.