Grief and sadness with child going to uni

[3sausagedogs]

My daughter left for uni yesterday and I can’t stop crying! The plan was she wanted to communicate to save money, the day before she left she said she has changed her mind and wants to move into halls. I’m sad because I didn’t know this was going to happen and it’s taken me by shock! I’m exceptionally proud or her, I love her very much and I want her to be happy! She has a friend who is in halls, so the new plan she reveals was going to stay with her and sort out halls and skipped off to the train station happy as can be! I’m floored! Do I want a child who cry’s and misses home and doesn’t do want she wants absolutely not! But it doesn’t stop the grief which has landing in my lap! I have other children, friends, the gym etc but I can’t stop crying - does anyone else feel this and when does it stop?

I found it really tough dropping DD at uni, we all had a hug and cried (me, DD and DH) Driving away, leaving her crying at the window was horrible. The first term was tough, she was homesick, and we visited every few weeks. But she found her hobbies and friends and settled in. Fast forward to this year, she was chomping at the bit to go back for 3rd year. I still had a restless/time wasting/doom scrolling weekend because I miss her and the house feels emptier/quieter. But i know she'll be fine - and I will be fine once im back at work!

I do however worry that neither of you have firmed up where shes living and how its being paid for. Ok to sleep on a friend's floor for a day or 2 but the friend will have applied - and paid for - that accomodation, and it seems your DD hasnt. You both need to work out a long term plan for where she will live

It is grief though. Grief for a period of life that has come to an end, and there are inevitably emotions to process, especially when it’s sprung on you unexpectedly.

That doesn’t mean that it compares to other causes of grief. It’s not a competition and it really shouldn’t be hard to find a crumb of empathy for someone experiencing complex feelings.

A different, and hopefully positive stage of life will follow for you OP and you can continue to be ridiculously proud of your DD and enjoy her success, but it’s OK to feel a bit blindsided right now.

OP, I dropped my ds at halls yesterday. I'm a single mum with one dc so suddenly the house is very quiet and I'm alone for the first time in 16 years. I understand you are feeling her loss, although grieving and weeping are taking it a bit far.

I agree with the others, you need to check she has viable living arrangements because halls students are not allowed to have an extra person sleeping on their floor. There are unlikely to be any available halls rooms and how will she fund the £8k-£10k a year in rent?

And the fact she left it until the last day to tell you is dubious to say the least! Either she knew you would make a fuss and she left it until the last moment to tell you she had applied for a halls room from the start, or she does not have viable accommodation arranged, or there is something else going on.

You really need to stop with the dramatics, and check she is somewhere safe.

It could just be DD and her friend came up with this rash plan especially if it is freshers’ week and nothing more sinister than that.

But it does need sorting

And it isn’t that unusual for some parents to cry when a child flies the nest

Its not grief. Grief is when someone dies and the OPs daughter is alive. Calling it grief is offensive to people who have actually lost family members in my opinion. As others have said, this OP needs to stop focusing on her own overblown emotions and check that her daughter is safe and has appropriate accommodation.

Is she actually registered at the university on a course OP and due to start lectures next week? Or is she just staying with her friend who has enrolled at the University?

The definition of grief isn’t just limited to death, it includes major life changes.

Oh bore off, it's so tiresome when people come along and police people's emotions like this.

I fundamentally disagree with you. And if you had lost a child, you would too. 'Grieving' a life change such as the end of a relationship does not feel the same as how you feel when someone dies and anyone that has experienced loss would not describe it in the same way.

Have you checked what is going on with your daughter yet OP?

I have seen this from the other side and it touched my heart that my mum cared so much it made her so sad!

Loved halls, but seeing my mum so cut up about my absence, it really made me appreciate my mum and it felt nice to feel so loved. I guess I thought up until that point her days of crying over me were long gone after I was little!

I don’t have any good advice for you I’m afraid.

Buy some boxes of tissues, a tub of ice cream and get out the old videos of her when she was small - if you’re going to mope around the house feeling sad for a few days, you might as well enjoy it!

You can't police another person's feelings, come on. She has every right to feel how she feels whether that is grief or anything else.

Grief is used as a synonym for deep sadness in every day language.

Taking offence at the ordinary common use of a standard English word is beyond self important, no matter what has happened in your life.

Yes I know people close to me who’ve died too before you jump on an ad-hominem, but I don’t take it as an excuse to claim a monopoly on the English language.

I’ve experienced loss.

Her use of the word grief isn’t offensive.

Stop using your own heartache as a mode of attack on others. It’s not a competition.

It's very hard and you have had no time to prepare, you're bound to feel like this. It does get better.
It is very odd for your daughter not to have arranged accommodation in advance, it's expensive and halls get full up, plus it affects how much student finance you get if you live out versus commuting. It's a bit of an imposition on her friend and flatmates too, student rooms are small? Can you help her find a room of her own?

Practically, I would tell her that if she hasn’t secured her own room by the end of freshers week she needs to come home and not just be camping out on her friends floor as it’s not sustainable or fair on the friend/ the other flatmates. She can still look for somewhere in halls but needs to commute until she gets one- not all unis have accommodation shortages and people do drop out so she may get lucky.

Unfortunately my first thought was ‘get a grip’ but didn’t want to be the one to say it - I suspect people who feel like this don’t always have enough going on in life for themselves - I get that you may feel wistful and a bit down but grief feels wildly OTT to me

Another one saying she’ll be back when freshers week is over and her friend gets sick of tripping over her on the floor, and flatmates are already complaining there’s an extra person in the flat when they’ve all only just moved in. Give her a few days then have a proper conversation about where she’s going to live, how she finds out if there’s any accommodation still available, and who’s funding the 8-10 grand you’ll most likely need for the year.

One year down the line we dropped dd off yesterday and were all ready for it..

With WhatsApp etc communication is easy.

You will be fine

Halls will be full at this point. Spaces may appear later in the year, but the friends flatmates are likely to complain and get the pair of them thrown out. Its a seriously bad idea for longer than a weekend.

It's not uncommon to feel sadness when your young adult child leaves for University. I imagine you feel this more because you weren't planning for her not to be living at home. There was no ritual of planning, buying her things for her halls and dropping her off. In my experience the feeling passes once you know they are happy and excited and doing well.

But, it's a bit odd that she has sprung this on you. were you resistant to her moving out or was she? Has she changed over the summer and now feels ready to move into halls and out of the family home? This is not a decision that can be made impulsively as halls and living costs are expensive. She'd have had to apply for a maintenance loan that pays more for living out rather than at home (but be aware it might not even cover the rent, let alone living costs) If she has a car and driving lessons with the plan to commute, this sounds like an impulsive (immature?) decision from her.

I'd start by asking her to tell you what her actual plan is. where is she going to be living and how is she going to pay for it.

How far away is the University? Would you be able to top up the rent if she does want to live in halls? At least for first year?

It depends on the University. Many lower and mid-tier Universities are not full, nor their halls, since they have lost international students, and many more home students have been scooped up by the top tier universities.

I felt terrible when my child left for uni, it was definitely an overwhelming sadness. Felt like the end of a journey where she had been my primary focus. It marked the passage of time and a different phase, which felt like a loss and a sadness that I no longer needed to ‘mother her’ in the way I did when she was little and that I too was getting older and outliving my usefulness in a way ( as a parent). Yes, you will always be a mother but parenting an adult is very different and requires different skills and approaches. Family life changes as there’s no mealtime get-togethers, house feels empty, there’s a shift in relationship and takes time to process all that. We all miss her terribly but I’m very happy she is happy at uni and is independent and managing by herself, after all our job is just a long process of letting them go and teaching them the skills to thrive.