Grief and sadness with child going to uni

[3sausagedogs]

My daughter left for uni yesterday and I can’t stop crying! The plan was she wanted to communicate to save money, the day before she left she said she has changed her mind and wants to move into halls. I’m sad because I didn’t know this was going to happen and it’s taken me by shock! I’m exceptionally proud or her, I love her very much and I want her to be happy! She has a friend who is in halls, so the new plan she reveals was going to stay with her and sort out halls and skipped off to the train station happy as can be! I’m floored! Do I want a child who cry’s and misses home and doesn’t do want she wants absolutely not! But it doesn’t stop the grief which has landing in my lap! I have other children, friends, the gym etc but I can’t stop crying - does anyone else feel this and when does it stop?

It can be quite hard to adjust when child goes away to uni and you haven’t had time to get used to the idea (although I found the build up before DC went harder than when they actually went). But it does get easier and holidays are long!

From a practical point of view DD is unlikely to be able to stay with friend for long, DC had to sign in friends in halls if staying overnight and the amount of time was limited. Accommodation can be limited and so she might find it hard to get somewhere now, so she may be back! How will accommodation be paid for?

It will pass. And halls will be ten times better fun for her! I have 4 and love peace and quiet and have often thought/looked forward to empty house but recently with youngest now 10, they’re pretty great and I will miss them terribly I’m now sure too.

it’s life, and a privilege to have a happy, well, independent child going into the next phase. So many people don’t have that for their child. Try focus on that.

Did she spring it on you last minute as she knew you’d react like this?

If she’s happy, take her lead.

I’m not sure how she’ll pay for it or how she applies etc! She has her driving test in Nov and a car, as the plan was for her to drive. I understand her plans have changed but I never went to uni so I don’t know how the halls work! She literally wanted me to drop her off at the station the next day with her suitcase and sleeping bag and blow up bed!

I took her to unis and told her it was her choice what she wanted to do! I’ve always supported her! I didn’t know I was going to feel this way so she wouldn’t know

I don't think she'll be allowed to do that. Even if the halls allow it, her friend is likely to get sick of the arrangement pretty fast. Bedrooms in halls are usually pretty small so it'll be cramped with a blow up bed. Other students might not be impressed if there's a random extra person using the bathroom/kitchen.

Are you in England, has she applied for maintenance loan, it will be lower if stated living at home. But the loan doesn’t cover all costs so someone, either you or DD or both will need to make up the shortfall. Look up accommodation on the uni website to check prices, but there is no guarantee there will be spaces.

Getting emotional about things like this doesn't get much sympathy on here (I already see people are telling you to be glad you have a child who has actually grown up to adulthood, which isn't helpful 🙄) but personally I TOTALLY get it! Luckily mine are still little but when they 'fly the nest' in whatever way shape or form i know i will be an emotional wreck.And no I won't hide it from them because it is a normal response when you love someone so much and have spent every day of their life with them and caring for them since birth.It doesn't mean you don't want them to progress and be independent, but it's just bittersweet and yes it is a grieving process of a sort, because you are losing some of the closeness with them that has been there for so long.Similar to when they start school but even harder as at least then you still see them for some of each day.
Really feel for you OP, must be tough! 🥺

I’m sure something will be said sooner or later. DC’s halls were very secure so had to have student pass to get into the building, then into the particular floor never mind your room. Any guest had to be booked in advance and signed in with security whenever they went in or out of the building. Bit more relaxed on moving in days so easier to sneak someone in but not manageable long term

Completely natural response, just try to keep it from her so she's free to enjoy her time at uni.
She may need some practical help with the accommodation-finding process? Although many uni towns/cities have more space in halls these days.

Just to clarify I wasn’t talking about dying, I was talking about all the many posts about people with teens who have mental health issues and cannot cope in life etc. had just read the post about the 19 yr old lad who was refusing to even lift his plate let alone leave his room.

yeah it’s probably a bit tweeting to say that it’s a privilege to have kids who are excitedly embracing the next stage of life but it sometimes helps to reframe what exactly is happening in a positive way. Fine if that’s not your thing.

It's a really unhelpful thing to say.
Humans have feelings, it's normal and healthy to feel things.

She’ll be back. You can’t randomly have overnight visitors like that, and it’s very possible there’ll be no spaces in Halls.

What on earth do you think this forum is 😂 Gosh you’re full of yourself.

I know I was in bits the day I dropped ds off, and I’d been fully prepared for a long time and knew the plan. So yes, I get it and I’m sorry it’s so upsetting.

On the other hand, her plan is a total mess and I’d expect to get a call saying she has to come back home and can you pick her up… I’m sure she will get a place in halls in the early weeks some time but it’s unlikely to be like this. She’ll learn a lot from the experience so that’s fine. Welcome to the slightly strange world of loving another independent adult so much and having zero control!

I hear you. I'm sad about my DD flying the nest but I'm also happy for her and wouldn't want it any other way. I have friends whose kids aren't well enough mentally to go to uni and that's a really difficult situation.

I have DC at uni and I agree OP that this is an emotional time! Your DD won't be allowed to sleep on her friend's floor though, so I expect she'll be back soon.

I get it that this is an emotional time. I felt the same (though not the crying bit)

BUT what you have to do is to try your very hardest to look on this as an exciting NEW chapter on your life, not just the end of the last one. I found that mindset shift really helpful.

And no she won’t be able to sleep on Kate’s floor for much longer than a couple of nights.

My second left for uni year 2 last Saturday. Is it just you at home ? Usually with uni accommodation students apply for maximum maintenance loan or parents help fund accommodation. We pay about £500 a month towards her accommodation. Some cities are much more expensive than that one. It does sound like she’s not really thought things through. I suspect the friend or her will get fed up by this arrangement and she will be home. However, in my dds hall things were pretty lax. They had a spare room that they used for guests!

I really dont mean to be rude or dismissive but grief is a really, really inappropriate emotion for you to verbalise here, or even feel. Sadness, wistfulness, anxiety, yes, of course, but there are people whose children have died and haven't been able to fo to university on here or those poor famillies whose children were murdered at university. That is grief. Your daughter going off to have a fun and enriching adventure isnt.

Please try and be happy for her and have some perspective.

And help her with the accomodation situation!

I don’t understand this. Has she got a last minute place in halls and if so how will she finance that if it’s not been applied for? It’s massively expensive. If she’s planning on sleeping on someone’s floor that’s just not allowed long term so she will definitely be back.

There is something not right here because she can't just stay in someone else's room. How long will she be with her friend? The accommodations will be full, so there is no chance of her getting a space. And even if there was space, if your daughter never applied for it, there is no way to get it. Is she going to be sofa surfing across different people's houses? What is the plan? You need to be more alert and check what is happening.
Keep your 'grief' to one side and make some enquiries.

The plan might not work out as presumably she hasn't planned financially to live in halls and there might not be space. If she was going to commute, presumably this is a fairly local uni so it should be easy to visit/meet up if you both want to.

I don’t think she’ll be there long, you can’t just camp out in someone’s room in halls. They won’t allow it.