My DD is 12 and has been invited away with her best friend and her family in half term. It would be Friday to Monday at their holiday cottage in North Wales. I know the parents reasonably well, we see each other at school pickup and have chatted quite a lot over the last couple of years so its not like she is going with complete strangers. DD is absolutely thrilled about it, she keeps talking about it and has already decided what she wants to take.
Her friend’s mum said they were really happy to have her and that she doesnt need to bring any money as they will pay for everything. I said obviously I would send some and she said honestly dont worry about it, they are going anyway and it makes no difference having DD there. They have apparently got meals out planned, one of those activity places and possibly another day out somewhere, although I dont actually know exactly what yet. DD has just heard “North Wales” and “holiday” and is over the moon.
The thing is we arent struggling or anything, but money is something we have to think about. We have been trying to build our savings back up after a couple of expensive years and I am quite careful about dipping into it unless we really need to. We could afford for DD to go, thats not really the issue, but if it was our own family going away I would be looking at the cost of everything before saying yes. We dont just casually spend a few hundred pounds on a weekend without thinking about it.
And I know this sounds awful but their family are quite a bit better off than us. Not in a bad way, they are lovely and have never made me feel uncomfortable about it, but they just do things differently. They have a bigger house, go out for meals quite a lot, have the cottage and seem to be able to say yes to things without having the same conversation about whether we should really spend the money. DD has obviously noticed some of this because she comes home talking about things they have done, although she has never made me feel bad about what we have.
I dont want her to be the child who is always having to say no though. Especially with her friends. She is at that age where she is very aware of what everyone else is doing and I dont want her feeling embarrassed because her mum cant afford something, when actually we can afford it, just not in the same completely relaxed way.
Then there is my DS who is 15. He thinks its unfair that DD gets to go away with another family and he never got anything like this when he was 12. I did say to him that its not really comparable because DD and this girl are extremely close and have been since primary school, whereas he wasnt particularly close to anyone whose parents would have invited him away. He knows that really but he is still annoyed and said if DD gets a free holiday then why didnt he. I can see his point even though I dont think we have done anything wrong.
I havent actually told DD yes yet, although I think she thinks she is going. I said I needed to check the dates and speak to her dad. DH thinks I am overthinking it and says if they have offered then we should accept, and that if it was the other way round we would probably do the same for one of DDs friends. Which is probably true. I just dont know whether there is an etiquette around this that I am missing.
Part of me wants to give the mum some money anyway, even if she says not to, just so I know I have contributed. But then I dont want to be awkward or make it into a big thing when they have genuinely offered. And if there are extra costs I obviously would pay them, I just dont want DD to be worrying about money while she is there.
Would you just let her go and accept that they have offered to pay? Or would you insist on sending money? I dont want to say no purely because I feel uncomfortable about the difference between our families, but I also dont want to get carried away because DD is excited and ignore the fact that we should be sensible about money.