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Original poster

My DD has been invited away with her friend and I’m not sure about it

103 replies

Notsureaboutthisxx · 13/09/2026 15:56

My DD is 12 and has been invited away with her best friend and her family in half term. It would be Friday to Monday at their holiday cottage in North Wales. I know the parents reasonably well, we see each other at school pickup and have chatted quite a lot over the last couple of years so its not like she is going with complete strangers. DD is absolutely thrilled about it, she keeps talking about it and has already decided what she wants to take.

Her friend’s mum said they were really happy to have her and that she doesnt need to bring any money as they will pay for everything. I said obviously I would send some and she said honestly dont worry about it, they are going anyway and it makes no difference having DD there. They have apparently got meals out planned, one of those activity places and possibly another day out somewhere, although I dont actually know exactly what yet. DD has just heard “North Wales” and “holiday” and is over the moon.

The thing is we arent struggling or anything, but money is something we have to think about. We have been trying to build our savings back up after a couple of expensive years and I am quite careful about dipping into it unless we really need to. We could afford for DD to go, thats not really the issue, but if it was our own family going away I would be looking at the cost of everything before saying yes. We dont just casually spend a few hundred pounds on a weekend without thinking about it.

And I know this sounds awful but their family are quite a bit better off than us. Not in a bad way, they are lovely and have never made me feel uncomfortable about it, but they just do things differently. They have a bigger house, go out for meals quite a lot, have the cottage and seem to be able to say yes to things without having the same conversation about whether we should really spend the money. DD has obviously noticed some of this because she comes home talking about things they have done, although she has never made me feel bad about what we have.

I dont want her to be the child who is always having to say no though. Especially with her friends. She is at that age where she is very aware of what everyone else is doing and I dont want her feeling embarrassed because her mum cant afford something, when actually we can afford it, just not in the same completely relaxed way.

Then there is my DS who is 15. He thinks its unfair that DD gets to go away with another family and he never got anything like this when he was 12. I did say to him that its not really comparable because DD and this girl are extremely close and have been since primary school, whereas he wasnt particularly close to anyone whose parents would have invited him away. He knows that really but he is still annoyed and said if DD gets a free holiday then why didnt he. I can see his point even though I dont think we have done anything wrong.

I havent actually told DD yes yet, although I think she thinks she is going. I said I needed to check the dates and speak to her dad. DH thinks I am overthinking it and says if they have offered then we should accept, and that if it was the other way round we would probably do the same for one of DDs friends. Which is probably true. I just dont know whether there is an etiquette around this that I am missing.

Part of me wants to give the mum some money anyway, even if she says not to, just so I know I have contributed. But then I dont want to be awkward or make it into a big thing when they have genuinely offered. And if there are extra costs I obviously would pay them, I just dont want DD to be worrying about money while she is there.

Would you just let her go and accept that they have offered to pay? Or would you insist on sending money? I dont want to say no purely because I feel uncomfortable about the difference between our families, but I also dont want to get carried away because DD is excited and ignore the fact that we should be sensible about money.

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alcovecupboards · 13/09/2026 17:20

Let her go, give your daughter and her friend some spending money and get the mum and dad some flowers and wine. And then when they're away take your son somewhere to do something that he wants to do. No-one needs to suffer because you're overthinking to a bizarre degree.

mindutopia · 13/09/2026 17:20

Of course, I’d let her go. Dd has had a few friends where I wouldn’t trust the parents not to drink drive and bring a load of coke along. 🙄 I don’t even allow sleepovers at their house and they have to come over to ours if they want to see each other. But this is a lovely offer. You can’t punish her because she has a better off friend and you can’t punish her because her brother doesn’t have friends who want to take him away. It’s a lovely gesture.

Fwiw we are always the better off friend. I’d be really sad for my dd if I knew her friends were being prevented from doing fun stuff with her because they were uncomfortable we had the means to do those things when they didn’t. What a wonderful opportunity. Let her go.

Lentilcakes · 13/09/2026 17:21

She should definitely go - 100%

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labradorservant · 13/09/2026 17:22

You are probably doing them a favour. Give her some money to buy everyone an ice cream. And send the parents with
a bottle or 2 of wine and some flowers on return.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 13/09/2026 17:26

You don’t need to give her £50 to take with her. Doubt she’d know what to do with that at 12. Spend it on your son.

Marycontrarygarden · 13/09/2026 17:28

Notsureaboutthisxx · 13/09/2026 15:56

My DD is 12 and has been invited away with her best friend and her family in half term. It would be Friday to Monday at their holiday cottage in North Wales. I know the parents reasonably well, we see each other at school pickup and have chatted quite a lot over the last couple of years so its not like she is going with complete strangers. DD is absolutely thrilled about it, she keeps talking about it and has already decided what she wants to take.

Her friend’s mum said they were really happy to have her and that she doesnt need to bring any money as they will pay for everything. I said obviously I would send some and she said honestly dont worry about it, they are going anyway and it makes no difference having DD there. They have apparently got meals out planned, one of those activity places and possibly another day out somewhere, although I dont actually know exactly what yet. DD has just heard “North Wales” and “holiday” and is over the moon.

The thing is we arent struggling or anything, but money is something we have to think about. We have been trying to build our savings back up after a couple of expensive years and I am quite careful about dipping into it unless we really need to. We could afford for DD to go, thats not really the issue, but if it was our own family going away I would be looking at the cost of everything before saying yes. We dont just casually spend a few hundred pounds on a weekend without thinking about it.

And I know this sounds awful but their family are quite a bit better off than us. Not in a bad way, they are lovely and have never made me feel uncomfortable about it, but they just do things differently. They have a bigger house, go out for meals quite a lot, have the cottage and seem to be able to say yes to things without having the same conversation about whether we should really spend the money. DD has obviously noticed some of this because she comes home talking about things they have done, although she has never made me feel bad about what we have.

I dont want her to be the child who is always having to say no though. Especially with her friends. She is at that age where she is very aware of what everyone else is doing and I dont want her feeling embarrassed because her mum cant afford something, when actually we can afford it, just not in the same completely relaxed way.

Then there is my DS who is 15. He thinks its unfair that DD gets to go away with another family and he never got anything like this when he was 12. I did say to him that its not really comparable because DD and this girl are extremely close and have been since primary school, whereas he wasnt particularly close to anyone whose parents would have invited him away. He knows that really but he is still annoyed and said if DD gets a free holiday then why didnt he. I can see his point even though I dont think we have done anything wrong.

I havent actually told DD yes yet, although I think she thinks she is going. I said I needed to check the dates and speak to her dad. DH thinks I am overthinking it and says if they have offered then we should accept, and that if it was the other way round we would probably do the same for one of DDs friends. Which is probably true. I just dont know whether there is an etiquette around this that I am missing.

Part of me wants to give the mum some money anyway, even if she says not to, just so I know I have contributed. But then I dont want to be awkward or make it into a big thing when they have genuinely offered. And if there are extra costs I obviously would pay them, I just dont want DD to be worrying about money while she is there.

Would you just let her go and accept that they have offered to pay? Or would you insist on sending money? I dont want to say no purely because I feel uncomfortable about the difference between our families, but I also dont want to get carried away because DD is excited and ignore the fact that we should be sensible about money.

You are COMPLETELY overthinking it. Jeeez please relax for her sake.

SpottyAlpaca · 13/09/2026 17:36

DH is absolutely right. Yo are overthinking and you’re letting your own insecurities about your relative financial position get in the way of allowing your daughter to enjoy going away with her friend. Let her go, give her a nice cake or something to take with her as an gift and make sure she has enough money to buy a round of ice creams or whatever for everyone when they are out.

Then take your son out for a comparable treat.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 13/09/2026 18:21

Please let her go.

runnerducky · 13/09/2026 18:24

Don’t overthink it. My mum used to pay for my best friend to come away with us; her family weren’t well off and her mum had quite bad mental health issues, and my mum refused any payment. I was an only child so it was a nice way for me to get some company (and for my mum to have a break too as we would amuse each other!). Just send some spending money and a wee thank-you gift. It’s a lovely opportunity for her.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 13/09/2026 18:26

I don’t know what your point is.

Isthismykarma · 13/09/2026 18:29

This is all a bit dramatic. It’s a two night sleepover at a caravan in north wales, your 15 year old needs to get a grip.

Walkerzoo · 13/09/2026 18:29

You are over thinking it

The parents will be delighted that their child has a pal. Happy kids equals happy holidays

A child who their kid gets on with, who does things together

Send a bit of money for spending but if me I would happily pay an extra burger etc if my child is happy.

They have said what is included and the offer so they are making it clear. Let her go

MrsBatshitRatshit · 13/09/2026 18:36

Accept the other family's kind offer, buy them a bunch of flowers/bottle of wine and tell your son that he is out of order. Would he expect to miss out on treats or opportunities just because somebody else isn't being offered the same?

Aria999 · 13/09/2026 18:39

Relax! Let her go, get them a token thank you gift like flowers or chocolates, and tell your DS to get over himself.

They wouldn't have offered to pay for her if they didn't want to and if you make a big thing about it then it will just get unnecessarily awkward.

Laurmolonlabe · 13/09/2026 20:06

I think you are overthing it, let her go , but give her a little pocket money, so she doesn't feel too beholden- I wouldn't send money though, the friend's Mum has said not to so it will be awkward if you do.
I would think about how to make small amends with your son though, he sounds resentful-which is never healthy, you need to try to be a little more relaxed about money.

YourAmberExpert · 13/09/2026 20:07

Non issue. It'll be fun

3luckystars · 13/09/2026 20:10

I have brought my children’s friends away and paid for it and was happy to do so as it’s company for my children. Let her go.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 13/09/2026 20:13

Don’t be daft OP. Don’t let your insecurities rob your DD of opportunities.

LinguisticallyInclined · 13/09/2026 20:19

Minasama · 13/09/2026 16:28

I would let her go, it sounds such fun, but maybe explain your concern to the mum (something like “things are a bit tight with us” )and agree a sensible amount of money to send her with? The other family’s daughter will also be disappointed if your DD isn’t allowed to go.

Do something fun with your son, but unless he was invited somewhere and you wouldn’t let him go it would be really unfair to not let your DD go on his account.

This is what occurred to me too.
To make things fair OP wouldn't be not letting her go, it would be not letting her go and not letting your son do something too.
And I agree he's far too old for 'It's not fair' s. That's rather worrying. He should be happy for his little sister.

hotmumshit · 13/09/2026 20:21

Youre so overthinking it, op

She'll have fun, tell your 15yo to stop whinging else hes on kitchen cleaning duty

TheBlueKoala · 13/09/2026 20:25

@Notsureaboutthisxx They are not taking your daughter with them to be nice to her or you- they are taking her to please their own daughter who is happy to go with her friend. It's very generous of them but please remember the above.

Give your dd 50£ and tell her it is to be used for her and her friend ; offering to buy ice creams/treats. Give the mother some chocolates to say thank you when they get back. It's a win win for all involved. Your ds might be jealous but this has nothing to do with him- your family is not financing this trip. If you can afford it it would be nice to either take him out for meal/cinema/other or give him 50£ for him to do something with a friend. Then it would be 100% fair.

donthaveaname · 13/09/2026 21:41

Notsureaboutthisxx · 13/09/2026 15:56

My DD is 12 and has been invited away with her best friend and her family in half term. It would be Friday to Monday at their holiday cottage in North Wales. I know the parents reasonably well, we see each other at school pickup and have chatted quite a lot over the last couple of years so its not like she is going with complete strangers. DD is absolutely thrilled about it, she keeps talking about it and has already decided what she wants to take.

Her friend’s mum said they were really happy to have her and that she doesnt need to bring any money as they will pay for everything. I said obviously I would send some and she said honestly dont worry about it, they are going anyway and it makes no difference having DD there. They have apparently got meals out planned, one of those activity places and possibly another day out somewhere, although I dont actually know exactly what yet. DD has just heard “North Wales” and “holiday” and is over the moon.

The thing is we arent struggling or anything, but money is something we have to think about. We have been trying to build our savings back up after a couple of expensive years and I am quite careful about dipping into it unless we really need to. We could afford for DD to go, thats not really the issue, but if it was our own family going away I would be looking at the cost of everything before saying yes. We dont just casually spend a few hundred pounds on a weekend without thinking about it.

And I know this sounds awful but their family are quite a bit better off than us. Not in a bad way, they are lovely and have never made me feel uncomfortable about it, but they just do things differently. They have a bigger house, go out for meals quite a lot, have the cottage and seem to be able to say yes to things without having the same conversation about whether we should really spend the money. DD has obviously noticed some of this because she comes home talking about things they have done, although she has never made me feel bad about what we have.

I dont want her to be the child who is always having to say no though. Especially with her friends. She is at that age where she is very aware of what everyone else is doing and I dont want her feeling embarrassed because her mum cant afford something, when actually we can afford it, just not in the same completely relaxed way.

Then there is my DS who is 15. He thinks its unfair that DD gets to go away with another family and he never got anything like this when he was 12. I did say to him that its not really comparable because DD and this girl are extremely close and have been since primary school, whereas he wasnt particularly close to anyone whose parents would have invited him away. He knows that really but he is still annoyed and said if DD gets a free holiday then why didnt he. I can see his point even though I dont think we have done anything wrong.

I havent actually told DD yes yet, although I think she thinks she is going. I said I needed to check the dates and speak to her dad. DH thinks I am overthinking it and says if they have offered then we should accept, and that if it was the other way round we would probably do the same for one of DDs friends. Which is probably true. I just dont know whether there is an etiquette around this that I am missing.

Part of me wants to give the mum some money anyway, even if she says not to, just so I know I have contributed. But then I dont want to be awkward or make it into a big thing when they have genuinely offered. And if there are extra costs I obviously would pay them, I just dont want DD to be worrying about money while she is there.

Would you just let her go and accept that they have offered to pay? Or would you insist on sending money? I dont want to say no purely because I feel uncomfortable about the difference between our families, but I also dont want to get carried away because DD is excited and ignore the fact that we should be sensible about money.

We had almost the exact situation with our dd aged 15 and i don’t regret for a minute sending her with her bff.
if you want to feel easier about it give your dd some money to buy an ice cream for her and her friend.
but this is a lovely thing to happen to your dd… sometimes good things just happen to good people

GloriaNow · 13/09/2026 21:50

There really are quite a lot of friendly generous people in the world, Learn to accept graciously and don't feel you have to match them pound for pound at a future time.

PollyBell · 13/09/2026 21:53

You would stop your child having this experience because you are insecure? How on earth is this her problem?

StarDolphins · 13/09/2026 21:58

The mum and dad will probably be grateful she’s going! Ime, it’s an easier holiday if there’s a friend with them at this age! I would give the mum a small amount of money (a token amount) and let her go! It’s a great experience for her and the parents will be pleased their DD has a friend with her!