Does everyone else have it together, or is parenting just chaos?

[BySunnyOpalOtter]

How do people have their lives so together?! Or is it all an illusion?! I feel like I am farcically stumbling through life! I (F42) have a partner and two young kids. Kids both have different things for tea and won’t sit at the table. I have to practically chase DD3 round to get her to eat anything. This morning breakfast for DS7 was a slice of toast on the way to school (DD was given apples, strawberries and a pancake but didn’t eat them). I didn’t have breakfast, nor did I bring anything with me for lunch at work (although I did hang the washing up to dry so, small win!). We don’t seem to be able to consistently meal plan and prep so we’re constantly nipping to the shops for something for our tea (usually eaten at about 9pm once the kids are in bed). As a consequence I have gained a lot of weight, but when do you exercise?! I see these slender, Adanola Lycra clad mum’s obviously off to the gym after the school run 🤷‍♀️! Meanwhile I stagger sweaty and stressed into work. Bedtime for DD3 is another farce, and she frequently wakes at night too! The house (and car!) always seems a mess, and the laundry basket is usually overflowing. And where do I even start on what to wear! I hate everything in my wardrobe (and desperately need new bras) but don’t really know what my style is to buy new stuff - I feel like I’ve lost myself along the way! How do we get it together and stay more organised?! Any advice or tips?!

Yes we are like this. Ultimately you need a wife.

No one is perfect, but we see too much perfection on social media, and people can be judgmental. If you're there for your kids that's what matters, they remember happy loving parents and couldn't care less about pilates figures.

No I’m not like that and never have been.

Do you work? You don’t mention your partner doing… anything

Indeed but if your parents are very stressed, the house is a real mess, your mum feels shit about herself - a happy home is unlikely

My kids are always fed well, clothed nicely, clean, in a nice routine… me on the other hand 😏. I’ve just left work to pick up one of my kids and I haven’t had chance to eat yet today after being up since 5.30am. I have to work compressed hours because there’s no wraparound childcare for my disabled son, so something has to give! I won’t sit down now until my son settles to bed at 10pm.

Yes our house is always a complete mess and dinner is always planned very last minute.

However we do have a very set routine for breakfast, they both sit at the table (age 5 and 2) and DH gives them breakfast while I get ready. We do this before they get dressed so they don’t get porridge down their clothes.

We are weird and get them both dressed in the living room and brush their teeth downstairs. Just seems easier to bring the clothes to them instead of taking them both back upstairs again!

Just depends what your non negotiables are but we can’t have it all! I eat dinner with my 4 and 1 year old every night and only make 1 dinner, sometimes they eat it, sometimes they don’t. My 4 year old also gets to choose dinner one night a week (and my husband joins us the couple of nights he’s home as well). I pay a cleaner to do my bathrooms. I meal plan and make dinner on my lunch break on the days I work from home or the night before on days I’m in the office. I’ve very type A, organised, lists etc. I also have both kids myself half the week and I work full time so sort of have to be!

If what you are describing you are seeing as together and perfect on social media trust me it’s not! Social media is full of lies trust me. No one has their shit together all the time 24/7, it’s hard work!

I could have written this OP!

Stop making different dinners; let them be hungry. Put dinner on table and remove it 30 mins later end of.

Go to M&S and get new bras with help from shop staff who are v v good.

My life isn’t this chaotic but I am very strict and have no tolerance for fucking about.

Same, and I only have one child. I know that one or two of the perfect mums (nice figure, nice house, nice kids, top job) have admitted that it’s mentally very hard to keep the show on the road. But I think being chronically disorganised is just as difficult… The one common factor I can see for most women is work. It just wasn’t like this when I was growing up, and most mums were at home. Granny helps us a lot, and often says she wouldn’t be able to do it. Lucky to have her!

Op, book a haircut and get new bras after. You'll feel a million time better.

We meal plan and shop to that list with the freezer/takeaway option if we've been over ambitious. There are some nights we all eat the same and some nights the kids have a dinner that they'll eat.

Mine also got ready in the living room and that's where I kept the uniform.

Sunday is admin day and we basically spend all day shopping and doing laundry.

But it's also total chaos and a muddle regardless!

Mine is currently chaos as we are moving house but isn't usually complete madness. There is always times. What makes a massive difference is my husband is genuinely just as hands on deck as I am. Will do all the "wife" work just as much as me. That makes such a massive amount of difference.

Yes, this is us! Especially the shopping for tea, I hate having to think of meals every night and know we should plan better, eat healthier etc... Life just seems to get in the way. Anyway you are not alone!

I think our generation of women were sold a lie when we were told we could have it all; the career, home, family. It’s utter BS, you really can’t do it all…well at least not well.

I am fortunate that I am able to work part time, now the kids are in school it definitely leaves me time to be on top of the home and I get to go the gym and see friends etc. The offset to this is my DH works insane hours and I’m often solo parenting.

We eat the same dinner most of the time but having kids has destroyed me. Can’t keep up with anything, and I’m on a low dose of sertraline just to cope. Love my kids but parenting is utter shit.

Well chaos is normal

dont chase your dd round - sit yourself down and eat your dinner - they will learn in the end
if you eat tuna pasta every week for 16 years you find you feel slightly sick at the thought of it 10 years later but thats what you have to do
exercise once they are in bed - since you have eaten much earlier with the kids that’s fine

Agree that having two working parents is a shit show often for the woman. I don’t know any working mums who are really happy and feel like they’re on top of everything. My two closest friends are both on antidepressants due to the mental load; both have full time jobs and two kids. Agree with the pp who said we’ve been sold a lie and that you can’t really truly ‘have it all’ - ultimately we all have to decide what our priorities are and do what we can. You’re deffo not alone op! X

Im older and wiser and I have been through this. I can see my life in clarity , looking back. I also would suffer frequent episodes down there and realise that I was with an unscrupulous man.

I have always felt on the edge of chaos.
I think I may have undiagnosed ADHD.
I also have had ME/CFS for 18 years so not enough energy to do everything that needs doing.
And I work which obviously eats into time and energy reserves.
DS is 19 now so it's not as chaotic as it once was but he still needs a lot of chivvying and organising - it's a different type of stress

Sounds like a routine for bedtime and mealtime order is needed for you to help bring things together. My children are similar ages and in bed for 7-7.30pm on a school night - they’ve had a consistent routine since they were little. Husband was out of the house 7am-8pm and I would have lost my mind without a routine. Upstairs at 6, bathtime or wash, teeth, story / relax, bed. No fucking about once upstairs. I now work 0.6 and need the same order!

In terms of mealtimes - one meal for everyone; nobody leaves the table until everyone is done (not finished, but had enough for them) as that’s polite. Teach them about eating together by doing it a few nights a week at least. Make a list of 3 easy meals you can make and get an online order delivered - if you can’t batch cook at the weekend to have it ready, make it one evening to heat up the next day for you all.

Maybe bento box style breakfasts would help for the kids. Give yourself time to get ready for the day and you’ll feel so much better and not so low on the school run.

Do your kids have clear rules / boundaries? A friend of mine struggles a bit like you do and my observation is she’s always saying things like, ‘Please tidy up kids’ and they just don’t listen so she does everything for them. I’m a teacher who likes independence and order at home so they are well trained when I ask them to do things, but equally I have a ‘This room needs to be tidied before we can do ABC (something they like)’ as a default if they’re avoiding the task - it makes them get to action a lot quicker.

Book a haircut and a bra fit and get your 10k steps in a day as a gateway to feeling better about yourself x

Oh it's chaos
Eat before the kids go to bed a few nights a week, frees up the evening and allows them to try different foods. Eating together helps.

You said the 3 year olds bedtime is awful - drop the nap if they are napping! Immediately!

But with that said some days are just absolutely wild - it's not you - it's 2026 motherhood - have the career, the family, the social life and the body....it's not doable for any of us.

Yes to all of this, and worse.

Not helped by me working 5 days in a senior role, being the main bed winner and my husband being disabled following a severe stroke, limiting the amount he can do, and me being a carer also.

I've realised I can't do it all. So I prioritise:

• Exercise in the morning when everyone else is still sleeping, otherwise my mental health would collapse
• Bringing the kids up with a strong sense of right and wrong, respect for others and building their resilience
• Doing my job well given I carry weight of the family finances

All else gives, this includes:

• Household chores, so our house is messy, behind on maintenance, our food is repetitive etc
• Social life, I tell myself that time for this will come later, when the kids are a bit older
• Relationship intimacy with husband, this is the one I regret and need to course correct. The carer dynamic and my permanent exhaustion make it challenging

This is excellent advise.

It’s carnage but it gets easier