Q for mums - what makes a good stay at home dad?

[dadhasquestions]

Hello!

Just looking for any tips / advice as I embark to be a stay at home dad. What makes a good one?

I'm aware that everyone is wired differently, and in general there is a natural affinity that mums have with children that dads can't replace.

But what are your thoughts / advice?

Mental load. My friend has a SAH husband. It is still her who needs to know where the kids are, what they need.to buy and cook and where they need taking.

How old is your child/children? Being a stay at home parent for babies and toddlers is a very different game to doing it for school-aged children.

Thanks! I'm almost done with my meal plan spreadsheet!

School aged, sub ten. Generally very wonderful (dare I say easy?) children

I think the mental load is a good one. My DH wasn’t always great with this stuff, but he did a stretch as a stay at home dad and now is excellent with organising medical appointments end to end, staying on top of vaccination schedules, school excursions and other activities that permission or payment needs to be given for, etc. etc. I still do much of this too, but it makes a huge difference knowing I don’t have to do 100% of it.

Remembering and organising everything. Book day costumes, bottle of wine for mufti day, present for Jack’s birthday, booking parents evening slots, hosting play dates. Proactively finding out about and arranging violin/swimming/brownies/football/whatever. Given you’ll have six free hours a day I’d expect all the housework as well.

You've got this. First thing is a shared family calendar with EVERYTHING on it - all school events, sports days, parties and so on. As soon as you get the notice/invite/whatever, it goes on the calendar. Reminders to book dentist appointments etc, as well as the appointments themselves, should go on there too.

Make sure the school knows that you're the main contact. There's still a very good chance they'll end up calling mum anyway but keep at it and eventually they may listen.

Do your best to be friendly with the other school parents, at least for the parents of your children's friends. You may find some of them are stand-offish and refuse offers of play dates just because you've got a Y chromosome but if you can get some on-side it'll be good for you, and good for your children's social lives.

Meal plans and batch cooking were life-savers. I made sure I had a good stock of veggie and non-veggie chilli and pasta sauces in the freezer. If I was making mashed potato then I'd peel and cook the whole bag and just portion and freeze the rest.

You will make mistakes. You will forget it's mufti day. That's ok as long as you learn from those mistakes.

This is an excellent set of advice. Good idea about the social aspects as well, and thanks for the encouragement

Got it!

So they're school age, presumably.

Make sure you're registered on the school accounts for things like school texts (e.g. school ping or reach more parents or whatever your kids achool uses) and Parent Pay....and also in the WhatsApp group!

Same things which make a good sahm.

I’m a sahm and so take on the vast amount of thinking around kids and house. Chat GTP is great if you’re starting out but I keep a monthly calendar so stuff which needs doing so Sept includes check kids have wet weather clothes and clothes in the right size, start Christmas planning look at Christmas TOM, Halloween/ Oct half term plans, plant a few garden bulbs, check heating, look outside to see if gutter need cleaning or repair, check house for damp patches. Less stuff for kids at this time of year but settle school routines and time, homework, bag emptying.

Generally kids appointments (hair, dentist, any hospital stuff), clothes for the new season/size.

Great list, thanks. I might have to leave clothes purchases to my other half...

Think of how much higher GDP would be if the output of housewives were added.

The irony of a bloke outsourcing this question to other mums (including myself!) and being told to carry the mental load not to outsource…! 🤦‍♀️

Keep your wife informed about all the kids stuff, even though you’re project managing it. Make sure she takes her share of the hard stuff and doesn’t become a Disney Mum doing the fun/weekend bits or a passenger in the house. Equally don’t assume she isn’t interested just because she spends less time on it all than you do.

Keep yourself involved in household finances. Are things joint? Have you agree the budget (food, bills, holiday savings pot, etc.). Are you sorted for pension contributions? Have you sorted marriage tax allowances if you’re eligible?

and in general there is a natural affinity that mums have with children that dads can't replace.

You need to ditch this attitude and idea upfront. Mums have a "natural affinitiy" because from day 1, we're left to take on the bulk of the responsibility.

I don't udnerstand why you're leaving clothes buying to your other half?

Sorry OP, I don't mean to be negative and it's good you're thinking about this but frankly, you need to do more. We can do all these lists for you (removing the mental load) and you can even do a spreadsheet for yourself, but that's not th epoint. The point is that you have to take the responsibility for the DC and the home (to a greater or lesser extend depending on age of the children).

So your responsibility is to ensure that the children are healthy, happy and well educated. that means you have to take responsibility for engaging with the school, for monitoring the children's health and well being and thinking about what they need - they're not eating school dinners, is it time to swap to packed lunches? They're constipated - are they getting enough fiber and drinking enough water. They're grumpy and tired - are they getting enough sleep? Does the routine need to change a bit to ensure they get more?

At home, assumign your DC are school age, what is required to keep the home rnning. If dinner needs ot be eaten by 6:30, how does that happen? Meal planning, shopping, preparation? And how do you accomodate that around school or extra curricular activites? YOu have to consider all of these things.

For their education to be successful they have to attend school, they have ot be happy at school, they have to do their homework. That's your responsibility now. What is involved in that? Are you monitoring how they feel/what they're doing? Do you know the teachers and other parents and their friends?

This. "I don't want to make a list" for you op. Do it yourself!

https://youtube.com/shorts/B-x-2luGcS8?is=nVpzdFujHcCS6va8

Oh dear. Very twitchy!

Thanks for the list. This is to avoid outsourcing to my wife - she's the priority of course. Happy to outsource to others :)

Ignore the snarky comments! This place is full of people asking other people for help so your post fits in perfectly. It's much better to seek support, tips and advice than to struggle in silence. Good luck in your new venture!

Jeez folks, he's asking for advice, same as most of us have.

OP - my DH was a SAHD and recently went back to work. His SAHDship did not work because....

He saw himself literally as a dad not the "stay at home" person.

Meaning that although our kids are 11 and 8, and therefore at school 9-3, he was doing little in those hours. So I would come home and - breakfast dishes still undone, kitchen table untidy, hoovering or bathrooms not cleaned for weeks etc.

So I had to come in and start doing housework after 10-13h out of the house earning the income. It made me really resent him as he had basically 6h per day to himself and I think it is fair to do a good share (not all!) of the housework in that time.

Maybe, as an approach....?

Think about how much time your wife gets "off" or to herself. Like in my case I probably spend 6-8h per week in the gym/ training.

So then my H should get that same time, which means, let's say, Friday daytime "off" to meet friends, buy books etc.

The other days, I mean you don't need to be up a chimney, but you should basically be doing jobs to complement your wife's working.

You might assign yourself something like 1-2 tasks a day that must get done, to ensure the bread n butter stuff gets done:

Mon weekly food shop, change beds
Tues clean the bathroom, quick hoover round
Weds reserve for ad hoc life admin, paying bills, buying new sch uniform bits, sorting out forms
Thurs reserve for outdoor jobs or car stuff

I mean that's just made up but you get what I mean.

Then make a rule that before your wife gets home, every day, there is not some immediate housework disaster she needs to deal with before she even sits down, like zero clean plates, toys tipped all over the hall, etc!

Good luck.

Well then I think being a good SAHD is working it out for yourself.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff That would have infuriated me. When DH was a SAHD for a while, he wasn't great about the mental load/planning but he absolutely did all the day to day sorting things out.... and the DC weren't even at school.

Make the effort to build social capital. Know who your child's friends are, who their parents are. Participate - take them to parties, sports matches, clubs etc. Help other families out if they are stuck - in this way you build social capital (favours basically) that you can call on if you or your wife need them.

Understand that the time you spend with your children has value in itself and is not something to efficiently manage your way out of. The various tasks you do with your children are not a drain on your time- they are the point.
This means you need to slow down and focus more on the moment, rather than thinking in terms of outputs. It is a big shift from the working mindset.

Be proactive in terms of designing the life you want your family to have. How much time would you like to devote to play/spending time outside/organised activities/downtime/rest? What is your view on screens? (No idea whether these are even on the radar as don't know your kids' ages.) What will you all be eating? And then put that into effect. Again, the key is to understand that all of this stuff has value in itself- you are not trying to minimise it or get through it as quickly as possible to allow you to do something else.

Your first paragraph is so important for me to remember. Thank you for that.