Punishment for bed behaviour

[Claire387dhheeh]

Need some advice. My daughter is 12yrs and is displaying pre teen behaviour, ie answering back. Eye rolling , whatever, leave me alone etc however she does also have very physical and loud out bursts were she is aggressive and very hateful in what she has said.
we had an incident were this happened a few weeks bk and I said it was not ok and if it happened again I would be selling some concert tickets I had brought her: and alas it happened again. And the tickets have now been sold: I have told her twice she is non or going but last night mentioned to her nan the concert is in 5 days and is so exited. I now feel like a terrible mum for selling them but I wanted to follow through with the decision as want her to lead that this behaviour isn’t ok but she will be heartbroken and I feel so bad have I done the correct thing ?

I think a more immediate punishment would have been better (removal of phone for example) as you could have had a lovely night out and had a bit of a reset but once you had threatened that punishment you have to see it through.

She’s 12 they get very hormonal at that age when they get their period, or are about to, it’s almost like they’ve lost control of their emotions.

Bit nasty to sell off the tickets. That says more about you than her.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I realise hormones are a big part to play but doesn’t excuse physical violence and smashing a window, I felt that simply taking a phone was not an adequate punishment; but I do feel bad and did not want to get rid of them but felt I needed to show I ment it: thank you tho

I think the issue here is she doesnt believe or understand these have already been sold. The punishment fit the crime in my view - but i think the bit missing was her understanding the accountability piece. Sounds like she isnt clear that she is no longer going - why would that be Op? Did you not explain this?

Yes but i still feel bad i really wanted to treat her

I'm not there and don't know exactly what's happening but are there times where it could be better to walk away and leave her to it when she's being rude? Be honest, are you escalating or de-escalating here?

Agree that the punishment fits the crime, she's old enough to know that violence and breaking windows is serious.

Reasonable punishment for having such a violent reaction she smashed a window.

Why did she tell her nan she is excited about a concert that you already sold the tickets to?

When did you tell her they were sold and what did she say?
She seems to not know.

If she's being violent and smashing windows then if course she doesn't get to go to a concert. Just keep repeating that she's not going and tell her why.

You'll get no good advice on here. They all go on about "natural consequences" that do absolutely nothing and think punishments are child abuse.

Tell her. You are not going because of xxx.

End of story.

Does she think you are calling her bluff and haven’t really sold them or have you not told her properly that they have gone?

Originally I thought selling them for answering back was harsh but now I’ve seen the smashed window, I think it was appropriate. Hopefully when she realises you are deadly serious she will think a bit more about her future actions.

Are you able to explain more clearly what actually happened op? You don’t mention smashing a window in your original post.

What exactly did she do that made you sell the tickets?

There should be consequences for bad behaviour, but you need to focus on getting her help rather than just punishing. How is she at school?

Do you have a history of not following through with punishments? Is that why she is still expecting to go to the concert?

You have done the right thing OP. She may not like it, but that’s her problem and she is certainly old enough to learn from this. We need more parents to follow suit and robustly deal with their children.

Come off it. She smashed a window. It’s not some trivial thing.

Did she actually smash a window? If so, you say you sold the concert tickets for bad behaviour but also to cover the cost of a new window.

Walk away when she is smashing a window are you mad? What ridiculous advice how will she ever learn the consequences of her actions ! OP you have done the right thing but I do think you should have let her know she’s not going. Good luck with the meltdown she’ll have when she finally finds out

I think the point being made is when a teen starts being rude or stroppy, you step away initially to prevent escalation. Then when it's calmed down you give a consequence for the initial rudeness or whatever (in line with whatever you've set out already in your home).

What doesn't help is responding to the initial rudeness before the teen is calm, as this can wind things up, resulting sometimes in more problems to resolve.

Giving time to calm down is a parent's strongest tactic. Escalation should always be avoided.

You did the right thing x

No I mean walk away from the eye rolling and and being told to leave her alone. I don't know if this is what's happening here from the OPs posts but some parents don't know how to pick battles.

That poster responded way before the OP even mentioned the smashed window!

I can understand why you followed through, especially after making the consequence clear beforehand. That said, at 12, big aggressive outbursts are probably worth looking at separately from normal pre-teen attitude, rather than just relying on punishment. You can hold the boundary while also trying to understand what’s behind the behaviour.

If she smashed a window yes you absolute did the right thing. She assumes you won’t have the guts to do what you threatened, she is in for a bit of a rude awakening when concert day comes and she doesn’t go. Bad behaviour at that level has serious consequences, she might consider that next times she kicks off.

I think you did exactly the right thing, OP. It sounds as though your daughter didn’t believe that you would really go through with selling the tickets, but hopefully when she finds out she isn’t going, she will understand that there are consequences for her actions. Please don’t feel bad about having sold the tickets - you warned your daughter and this is entirely down to her. Did whatever you got for the ticket when you sold it even cover the cost of getting the glass in the window that she broke replaced?

Dont feel bad op. She knows the tickets have been sold and she knows why.

Its ok to be angry/frustrated. Its a hard age and she may not be in complete control of her behaviour when she is frustrated. Thats forgiveable. However you are the adult and are teaching actions have consequences. She cant treat you like that then have a nice night out with you. Be angry....i will help you calm down or give you space. Be violent, dangerous and damage expensive things is crossing a line and has a consequence.

Feel guilty if you take her. Thats showing her she can behave how she likes ans still have treats. And you dont mean what you say. Kinder to her in the longer run to stand firm and set the stong boundary that you wont accept violence.

Its just hard when you love them so much. You want to make her happy and have a nice time with her....thats what your feeling. And that will happen at the next concert. Not this one.