ADHD six-year-old now angry and destructive, need wider support advice

[Happclappydays]

Posting here for traffic.... SEN help request....

Really need some advice. I’m an incredibly positive and proactive person but our DC is completely grinding me down and dominating our whole family life, daily. I feel crap saying that and cried a lot in the car today in front of both our DC (younger sibling is 2) and my other half.
Our older DC, 6, was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. Over the last 12–14 months their personality has completely and utterly changed. A real 180. They are bright and used to be SO happy, fun and lovely to be around. Now they are angry and moody so much of the time. Their mood can change at the drop of a hat over something completely insignificant.
They have always needed a lot of our attention and can barely play independently for long. Everything we do seems to centre around them. Bike park, activity, day out etc… then they moan and moan for the next thing until it becomes unbearable. If we stand our ground, we risk the house getting trashed, a remote being smashed or similar.
We have tried psychology, but because of their age they would only offer expensive ‘parent sessions’, which we found utterly useless and condescending — basically telling us things we already know and already do. They won’t actually work with DC for a few years, so we stopped.
There are still glimmers of the lovely child we knew, but far fewer than before. It genuinely feels like a personality transplant. I’ve wondered whether their pretty formal single-sex school could be contributing, but the summer holidays have been just as up and down. (DC didn’t meet enough criteria for ASD — I specifically asked during the assessment.)
Life simply couldn’t continue with the level of purposeful damage to belongings and sometimes us, so for everyone’s safety we turned to medication.
We started Equasym 10mg, then 20mg, which seemed to work… until it didn’t. Xaggitin was awful — appetite disappeared and DC hugely went into themselves. We then tried Elvanse, but the angry outbursts continued/worsened. Today we went back to Equasym XL 20mg and I was hopeful we might get back to the semblance of balance we had a few months ago.
Instead, we went to a fair. DC played a football game, lost but was still offered one of the ‘lower’ prizes. They hated the choices, I picked one up, and they snatched it and smashed it on the ground. We left after 15 minutes.
Later at home they randomly thumped me because I didn’t know where their shorts were. Then 30 minutes later they picked up their 2-year-old sibling (which we repeatedly say not to do), dropped them onto the sofa and sibling banged their face and got a lump.
Frankly, I need a rest from the daily toll of it. I’m sick of the behaviour. We DO have boundaries and consequences but they seem to make absolutely no difference going forward. DC is very smart in many ways, but lessons just don’t seem to get ‘learned’.
And that’s the bit I struggle with most — this is a child who genuinely used to be SO happy. They feel like a completely different child.
Could some of this be anxiety about school returning? I’m clinging to the hope that getting back into a routine after 8 weeks might help. But then I worry — what if the new teachers don’t ‘get’ them or support them in the right way?
I constantly ask for help. GP etc. sent us a council family support worker who regularly checked in, but again it felt like someone reading from worksheets rather than actually helping. Our ADHD consultant seems useful mainly for medication and we lead that by feeding back behaviours.
I strongly feel now that we need someone to look at the WHOLE child rather than simply trying another ADHD medication — perhaps a child psychiatrist/second opinion.
I don’t really know what I want from this post. Maybe just to hear from someone who has been through something similar and come out the other side. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Did anyone else see this kind of huge personality change at 6/7, and did you ever work out what was driving it?
Any constructive thoughts or experiences would be hugely appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far! X

Is he on melatonin at all?

Re reading your post, he's had a new sibling. Perhaps you are looking to ADHD for the answers when it is this life change that he has had difficulty with.

In your shoes I'd stop the meds, with guidance. I would focus on some one to one time with him and exercise the hell out of him - you could do park run as your one to one time. My ds has ADHD and he has to be run like a dog every day to manage it.

@Tunaboona Hiya, yes sorry should have said that…. We have 2mg at night and it works well. No more 2 or 3 hour bedtimes. I’m just super concerned about his moods and generally how unhappy he is atm… I feel so powerless about it….

I think you’re right that some of it might be anxiety about returning to School. Are you in England OP and so they have an ECHP in place?

One thing that struck me is that you went to a fair. For a DC with ADHD that’s an awful lot of stimulation to try and process. I’m not saying don’t take them anywhere but perhaps in hindsight that was a little too much?

Another thing to consider is PANDAS Syndrome. I would have a read of the symptoms and see if that could be an issue?

Have any of the services that you’ve worked with so far given you advice on how to help with self regulation?

Have to agree with that one. My DS has ADHD and at that age we spent an awful lot of time either at sports clubs or out on walks in the countryside.

Ok so aggression is a known side effect of melatonin. 2mg is also a lot for this age. There's a lot of research that shows adults don't need more than 0.3.

Can you substantially lower the dose for a few weeks and see if it helps?

I don’t have any answers, but am in a similar boat with my recently-diagnosed AuDHD 6 year old. Violent meltdowns which are increasingly hard to contain or manage.

You're dealing with a lot and I can hear how desperate you are to fix things. You've got two young kids, one with ADHD. That's plenty on your plate.

A few things stood out to me from your post, that I'm going to quote and give thoughts. Take them or leave them, I'm not judging you, they're just thoughts.

They have always needed a lot of our attention and can barely play independently for long. Everything we do seems to centre around them. Bike park, activity, day out etc… then they moan and moan for the next thing until it becomes unbearable. This is not uncommon at this age, things do revolve round the kids, it's exhausting. It will be heightened with ADHD. Can the activities be longer but slightly less intense on you and much less overstimulating - long walks in the woods are better than activities.

If we stand our ground, we risk the house getting trashed, a remote being smashed or similar. What does 'stand our ground' mean? Is standing your ground essential, is it helping the behaviour improve or increasing conflict?

pretty formal single-sex school sounds potentially difficult environment, could be reviewed for more supportive environment.

Today we went back to Equasym XL 20mg and I was hopeful we might get back to the semblance of balance we had a few months ago. You have had multiple medication changes including a change today? Things need to settle. Try not to expect too much from meds, give them time.

Instead, we went to a fair. Very overstimulating environment.

In your shoes I'd be looking at every possible adjustment to calm things down? What works for all stressed kids is more time in nature, more craft, more walks, more predictability, more 1-1 time, good diet, clear boundaries, more organisation.

Can you access therapy support for you while you wait for things to settle for him? It might help you manage how frustrating it is for you, help you feel supported.

@Tunaboona thank you for telling me this - I read up on so much, but have not yet seen about aggression and melatonin!

It can also cause nausea, headaches, stomach issues which might not be obvious in a 7 year old but can come out as 'moody'.

Really feel for you. Sounds very intense. The only thing I'd offer is to try and parent the child you have rather than fix / correct them into the child you want. They are going through a tricky phase. Do what you can every day to calm, reduce stress / demand and the whole family will benefit (hopefully).

@concertinacornflake thanks for your thoughts, appreciated. I don't think you are judging.

Re. the exhausting element of it - absolutely I know it's the age of being persistently tired BUT... what we are dealing with, is an extremely heightened version of exhausting. It's the continual exhaustion of predicting what will happen, getting ready to intervene with sibling etc..

Re exercise, we do an awful lot...2 hours in the woods yesterday, then in the PM a bike ride (dc's happy place!) but the tyre popped so we took bike in to be fixed...the fair was something we chose to do instead of another bike ride today.... we really mix things up in terms of parks, walks, skate parks...you name it. I do think some adhd children need to be exercised like a pup, we fit that category and there is much sport going on etc.

When I say stand our ground...if X has already been done...I warn if Y is going to happen next, consequences shall occur.... i.e we won't be able to go to X or whatever. We have to impose boundaries because otherwise it just continues. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Impulsivity has seen improvement with some meds, but it seems in the last 48 hours it's all come back to bite us....out of nowhere. I'm thinking this could be the worry of returning to school.

Re. the fair being overstimulating. I can see why you would say that, but it was more of a low key fete with stalls etc. not a fun fair as such.

Re. your last paragraph...we really do so much of that. So much walking/running playing outside. We live near a wonderful woods and fields it's just brilliant. We have hours and hours of being outside multiple times a week. DC is not into crafts so that won't happen as much as we've offered. Fair enough! and 1:1 is something that DC has always had. We make a point of myself or Dad taking them out to X and Y on our own. I've recently taken him out by myself to golf, cinema..the list goes on. We really do so much to support him but we are being let down with regards to other help for our DC. We are doing everything privately and so our main go-to person is our ADHD consultant but outside of him we don't have any other regular or suggested help. Our GP havent been forthcoming really, I'm going to contact them again tomorrow. I think we need to look at getting a pyschiatrist and a second opinion. Our child is so wonderful but is such a contradiction in so many ways at the same time....so bright, so engaging, fun, socialble... yet angry, aggressive, impulsive and currently quite sad. Really need a professional new direction.... I feel like we even need to start from scratch!

@pinksquash13 Thanks for your empathy. I hear your thoughts here. It's so hard because it's a real rough patch for the whole family and 'staying calm' is difficult when there is aggression/violence out of nowhere with no trigger. Yesterday was told 'no' and so went and purposefully knocked a ceramic bowl off the table...which happened to be Grandma's wedding present 50 years old..smashed into 8 pieces! A literal family antique. There was no shouting there, he was just told 'not right now' or similar and wouldn't have it. It's incredibly depressing, to see lack of impulse control coming back with vengeance. It had been previously under control.

@Tunaboona Thank you very much for pointing this out. Will get onto this.

Re. the fair being overstimulating. I can see why you would say that, but it was more of a low key fete with stalls etc. not a fun fair as such. Whilst you say it was low key, your DS couldn't cope, so you all had a bad time. What you call low key may not be low key enough for a 6yo with ADHD.

I know it's hard, but there will be changes you can make to reduce demands, alongside (hopefully) accessing more support.

Hi @EmmaOvary so sorry to hear your are going through a similar stage. Sending strength to you. Hope you are getting support and have support for yourself. I'm pretty tough usually, but am currently on my knees about this because it's relentless. I think only people who have children with SEN 'get it'. People who look in from outside just say 'have boundaries', 'be firmer' - they literally have no clue! They would not last a day in this household and I would enjoy seeing them try! Good luck @EmmaOvary

@Happclappydays what other professional support would you suggest?

Might be best to child proof your house for now, until things stabilise.

I understand the frustration at things getting more difficult, but you can make your environment more simple to manage.

Taking charge of what you can might help you feel less out of control.

@concertinacornflake what other professional support would you suggest?

I have a 6 year old audhd. The biggest positive impacts and shifts have come from homeopathy - see someone who knows their stuff and from Howard glassers transpfmrong the intense child approach. I couldn’t beleive it. We went from violent meltdowns that scared the crap out of me to a much more regulate calm and happy child. Basically it’s about how you don’t give energy to any negative behaviour- you literally unplug yourself when they act out. And otherwise you fully reinforce and encourage the good actions you do see even if it’s - I can see you at every upset and screaming but are managing to Keep your hands to yourself… it’s incredible. Once they see you beleive in their capacity to do better, they do.

also my son is home ed, many neuro exceptional kids find the demands and expectations of school very confusing.

solidairty. Cannot imagine what having two would be like as we have an only an dots quite tough enough!

@concertinacornflake yes the house is child proofed and has been for some time. This was something we did when we realised there was an issue.

The things you suggested - going back to your GP etc.

@concertinacornflake ok thank you.

Oh apologies if I have misunderstood, it was the broken ceramic incident made me suggest this.

@concertinacornflake it was at Grandma's house. Do you mind me asking, are you dealing with a child with ADHD? and how has your journey been with it? Also interested to hear what professional advice you sought out? x