Why are parents so reluctant to get rid of the dummy?

[ForLimeHiker]

I’ve got a few friends with children between 6-30 months, and they do nothing but moan about the dummy dependency, how it looks awful, how it disrupts their sleep and has become such an albatross round the neck. I don’t understand why they don’t just put a stop to it? We never used one for our daughter as I could see this happening, but honestly surely after this much complaining, recognise the issue and just get rid? I don’t have any particular feelings against them, certainly no judgement, but surely if you know something is the cause of a lot of the issues you’re facing, bite the bullet?**

If you’ve never used one you will never understand how difficult it can be - it’s not just a case of removing it / throwing it away. You’ll be facing weeks of not sleeping, crying etc. Both of mine had them and we had to wean them off them slowly around 2ish I think (can’t remember too well, they’re 14 and 23 now and thankfully no dummies)!

it’s not that simple. In our case no dummy meant addicted to thumb sucking instead. Very hard to get rid of

I don't really understand how parents complain about dummies? Like how is it an albatross around their neck, why are they so bad? How do they disrupt sleep? DD's dummy falls out during sleep. if she wakes up without it she just roots around until she finds it again and shoves it back in and then goes back to sleep.

DD (both of them) used them for sleeping only. Both of them would've sucked their thumbs without them, so DD1 had hers until she was 4 and DD2 will similarly give them up herself when she's ready.

But the nhs recommendation is you stop 6-12 months so why do parents leave it so late. That's why it's hard to remove. You even see kids talking with them in its awful.

I don’t understand what point you’re really making? The needs of a 6 month old baby and a 30 month old toddler are vastly different. Why would a 2 year old using a dummy at bedtime be disruptive to sleep or an albatross around the parent’s neck?
A 6 month old who wakes and can’t put a dummy back in could in all likelihood wake just as much without the dummy.
Does anyone really moan about how dummies “look awful” anymore?

I can’t really imagine so many people are constantly moaning to you about their own child’s dummy use.

Because it’s comforting to them, they sleep better with them, and it’s not always the case that it affects their teeth - neither of mine have any issues with their teeth at all despite being addicted to their dummies when they were tiny. If you have a baby who will only sleep with a dummy would you be keen to get rid of it?

Every child is different.
op your commenting about children with dummies but that child with a dummy may be able to do things that your child can’t. Perhaps the child with dummy is “too old” for a dummy but potty trained at 18months, can play piano, can make their own breakfast. Can add and subtract you just don’t know. So I don’t judge anyone who does or doesn’t have a dummy

Does anyone really moan about how dummies “look awful” anymore?
Yes, they do look awful. Especially when the child is just walking around with it it's mouth all day usually with another in the hands. If it helps at night that's one thing but why do they need them in the day.

I am not talking about babies I am talking about toddlers and older

Weirdly enough one of mine was a dummy addict, the other hated it from day one. The one who never used the dummy is going to need braces, the one who loved it has perfect teeth

We’ve got the dummy fairy coming this weekend to take our daughter’s (2) dummy and bring her a present. We’re really trying to sell it with her so hopefully by Friday she’s ready. Not looking forward to a night of crying as we try to put her to bed though 🫠

My two never took to a dummy, but parents can't win. On another thread there are posters saying it's abusive to tell off your child and in doing so they start to cry. Apparently doing anything at all that results in your child crying, is abuse.

However, children cry at the drop of a hat. Certainly, saying "it's time to say bye bye to dummy" would make any dummy-using toddler cry.

Parents have been conditioned, primarily by the bonkers gentle parenting movement, that it is our job to keep our children short-term-happy at all costs. So you see parents panic and backtrack when their children get upset, at pretty much everything.

When really, we ought to make decisions for them that are in their long term best interests.

I know many will disagree with this comment but you see it in all areas of parenting now, which have overall become more permissive in terms of screens, sweet treats and general behaviour. It is not parents being lazy. It is that they are terrified of "traumatising" their children by being firm.

It's really easy to ask why but when you are in the trenches it's a different matter. My eldest never had one my youngest had one and loved it. We only allowed it for sleeping or if unwell and I think that makes it easier but didn't mean my son enjoyed giving it up. He is now 6 and hasn't had it since just before he was 2 and still talks fondly of it and absolutely would have it still if I let him!!

According to my husband "We Never Gave" my oldest a dummy. Absolute rubbish, oldest didn't want or need a dummy so it was never an issue.

Youngest was terrible, clingy, crying baby who absolutely did need a dummy or I'd have flung myself out the window. By a stroke of luck she managed for a few days without it so I binned them all and that's how we gave up, but really it sounds like OP and previous posters haven't a clue.

And just saying "no judgement" doesn't negate you demonstrating very clear judgement BTW.

I think the dummy is one of those things that is short term easier, long term harder, because it does soothe them and give comfort however at some point you have to take that away which is when you hit problems.

I have a 2 year old & a 10 month old, neither of them have ever had a dummy. I did try with both of them but neither of them took to it, both breastfed so just used me for comfort instead maybe, frustrating at the time when a dummy would have been easier but lots of my toddlers friends are now having a really difficult time giving the dummy up. I don’t envy the parents because my eldest’s sleep is still terrible, if she had a dummy I can imagine the thought of taking it and making bedtime worse would be a daunting task!

It’s not meant to be a ‘point’, more a question as it’s something that has come up a lot in the last nearly 2 years and I just don’t get it. My best friend for example, her toddler is perfectly capable of finding the multiple dummies left in the cot when they fall out during sleep, she just chooses to stand up and shout until someone comes into the room, and then it’s ’hello Mummy! Oh no gone!’ So my friend is knackered and moaning that it’s so annoying, but won’t get rid of it. I’m part of an NCT group who have now started having more children in the last 6 months so that’s where the moaning comes from. There’s one mum in particular who is always ‘oh god she’s still got a dummy don’t judge me, I hate how it looks but I can’t face taking it away’. The child is nearly 3. It’s not my opinions on what people should/shouldn’t do, just asking why if the NHS recommends removing them after 6 months, why parents torture themselves still!

This does make sense, and the few comments on this have been interesting as of course I don’t have a clue what it’s like to take them away! My first child was fine and never needed one but in your experience it does sound different with your second child so I can see the perspective there. Love the husbands simple point of view too 🤣

I honestly don’t judge at all, it’s more the stream of attention being brought to it in my NCT group with the mums clearly stressed over it, but no action taken after much complaint, but these responses have made sense!

just asking why if the NHS recommends removing them after 6 months, why parents torture themselves still!

But you’re talking about very specific situations with people in your life, so if you’re actually interested ask them.

Many parents use dummies and don’t find it a “torture” at all, it’s an aid which is why they use it. The same as comfort blankets, teddies, movements to sleep scenarios. A few lax parents will allow their young child to dictate and allow them to have a dummy all day long at 3/4, the same parents probably do the same with bottle of milk and juice. The outliers hardly define a whole group of parents.

Personally I didn’t remove the dummy at 6 months because I didn’t find using a dummy was torturing myself. I imagine that’s the same for the majority of parents who use them.

Ahh good luck, that’s a very sweet idea!

No idea how it’s different to a thumb though. It n my experience it’s better as you can get rid of a dummy, you can’t get rid of a thumb🤷‍♀️.

I had all sorts of combo’s, ones who would not touch dummies, ones who used dummies for 6-8 weeks only, and one who I thought would get married with it but we got rid of it at 3yo (utter hell) as they had severe eczema with it at that point. Teeth issues later seemed to have no correlation as to who had dummy or not and for how long. The absolute worst one with teeth was the thumb sucker though, even when they grew out of it if a day, that thumb was firmly planted in the mouth of a night while asleep right through till puberty, and I really wish they had of been like my others who had dummies instead.

The people I know who have used dummies for their children for an extended period of time have done so because in the short- to mid-term the child having the dummy makes their life easier and less painful than the child not having the dummy (often in terms of sleep, sometimes tantrums etc). We stopped using one pretty early on (around 4-5 months?) because our son wasn't especially soothed by it and it was causing more disruption than it was offering comfort - it was therefore an easy decision to make. There will be plenty of people for whom that is not true.

This might not work for you, but our toddler would go stretches without it and then would get the idea in her head or see another dummy and ask for it. So nursery would go "Oh mummy must have it" and I'd say "oh we must have left it XYZ place", and she seemed to accept this. Then after a couple of weeks without, we changed it to "remember you sent your dummy off so the little babies could have it".

Might not work for you if very dependent, but we got rid within about a week - and sleep wasn't really affected to be honest.

My son took his dummy out at 19 months and never asked for it again. Absolutely pain-free. My daughter is 16 months old and still currently needs hers, I can't imagine her giving it up as easily. We could just take it away, but it's useful for soothing her when I can't, like in her car seat.

It has to be the case that they still feel the dummy benefits more than it harms, or they'd take it away.

We did use one but she kept flinging it out of the cot, quite early on ,in order to bring us back . We decided to take the pain of her displeasure and cut them all up. She forgot about them quite quickly.

Two of mine had dummies and loved them, and yes they were a pain to get rid of. I never had to rock them to sleep or anything like that, just into the cot with their dummy and they slept all night, loved their naps etc. They only had them for sleeping, never out and about. Baby number three, I would have done anything to persuade her to take one so I could sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. Different strokes, different babies and all that.