Why are parents so reluctant to get rid of the dummy?

[ForLimeHiker]

I’ve got a few friends with children between 6-30 months, and they do nothing but moan about the dummy dependency, how it looks awful, how it disrupts their sleep and has become such an albatross round the neck. I don’t understand why they don’t just put a stop to it? We never used one for our daughter as I could see this happening, but honestly surely after this much complaining, recognise the issue and just get rid? I don’t have any particular feelings against them, certainly no judgement, but surely if you know something is the cause of a lot of the issues you’re facing, bite the bullet?**

All 3 of mine had dummies, my eldest and youngests dummies were gone by 14 months but middle had his until 2.5, although I had started limiting its use to sleep only for a while before I took it away. This was purely because he screamed pretty much all the time. The dummy was often the only reprieve I got as little else worked. Once he started mellowing out a bit and sleeping better we took it away and it was completely painless. Ironically, he didn’t have a dummy until he was 2 months and I only introduced one because he wanted to be hanging off my boob every 30 minutes, I know i’m going to be met with “but that’s normal” comments but mentally I wasn’t doing great and I needed to not have a baby hanging off my boob 24/7.

Better than a thumb sucker ! More difficult to remove 🤣

That’s not remotely weird.

No one rational thinks “if you have a dummy you absolutely will have dental problems and need braces and if you don’t use a dummy you definitely won’t”.

But it does increase the risk.

Might get you into a spot of bother too 🤣

Perhaps the people in your group know that it would be best (on paper) for their child to have no dummy, but there are other reasons their child has come to rely on it, for example sensory needs which aren't yet diagnosed, or bad reflux meaning sleep was a problem, the family's work schedule meaning toughing out the sleepless nights is too much to manage right now, or maybe just the anxious personality of the child.

There is a really hard thing in parenting, when you look at what someone recommends as the actual "best" for your child - and then have to come to terms with not being able to ensure that happens, for other reasons, such as the distress of lack of consent of the child, or other practical reasons.

As a SEND parent I have had to learn that really brutally about the biggest things - food, medication, sleep, dental care, education. People who get divorced might have to learn that too about some things, e.g. not being able to ensure a toddler can have the basic stability of both parents every day, and doing their best under those circumstances.

And of course people with even worse situations, people in wars or in ICE detention or what have you, who cannot give their children what they know is right for them to have. The pain must be excruciating.

Most people don't have to live with that level of difficulty of course! However I am sure everyone at some point feels the pain of thinking "the optimum care for this child is X, but I am only able to do Y".

Maybe the mums in your group are simply trying to handle this. They know "losing the dummy is best" but in practice it isn't as simple. Talking about it is a way of processing some shame and grief around that.

OK so a dummy is a smallish thing but this could be the first time they are realising that parenting isn't just "follow these instructions to the letter" but a range of competing demands in which you often do not succeed in creating the perfect outcome.

I think you have a bit of privilege going on which is great for you OP - i wouldn't wish the above realisation on anyone as it isn't fun - but you should be aware that it's a challenge you have not yet met, not just a failing on their part.

I had three never even bought one. When they cried I just fed them.

Does anyone really moan about how dummies “look awful” anymore?

Yes. Because they do look awful.

I had four children and never bought a dummy for any of them.

Quite. I wish I had been given a dummy. A dummy can be taken away. You xant cut a child's thumb off or stop them sucking it especially at night.

It pushed all of my front teeth forward as I did it for so long.

Can’t you just prick the dummy with a needle? Takes away the satisfaction of sucking apparently.

It's also a choking hazard. A damaged dummy that is.

I think you could equally ask, why don't more parents potty train early, you can save a fortune on nappies. Similar to feeding your child to sleep: when it works, it works really well, but then you might end up trapped in a routine where it's the ONLY thing that works and you know it will be tough to stop.

The answer is equal parts: children differ; and we all just want an easy life sometimes.

Maybe I wasn’t clear, does anyone normal moan about how dummies “look awful” anymore?

*ForLimeHiker *- you sound to me somewhat judgemental and superior. I know it is not always easy to put oneself in the position of another but it is worth a try ........

Wish mine would have taken a dummy when I was in the thick of it.
However I don’t judge other parents that have babies that find comfort in them.
just the same way I don’t judge how parents feed their babies.
I used cloth nappies with my babies but didn’t judge those who used disposables.
I stayed at home with our babies throughout their childhood, didn’t judge those who used childcare.
why should I judge any other parent, they’re not walking in my footsteps nor am I in theirs.
how dull it would be in the world if we all took the same path 🤷

It was just asking for perspective, I’ve listened for 2 years on my NCT group and other friends moaning about the various drawbacks, irritations and annoyances they’ve suffered, and when I’ve asked why not ditch, there’s never been an answer. There’s been some great perspectives on this thread when the affected in my circle have never said why they haven’t tried, so I’m quite glad I asked! When all you’ve had is constant moaning about how crap something is, sitting in someone else’s shoes is hard when you’ve had no experience of it yourself and don’t understand why not take the bull by the horns. There’s genuinely no judgement there and no superiority about it!

I don't think one has to look very far to see why it is hard to take the dummy away. If as adults we had been used to something for the whole of our lives, taking it away would hurt! No wonder parents find it a challenge ...

If they moan about it fair enough. It was their choice, it is still their choice and something in their control.

I never moaned or had any issues with DD having a dummy . Other people had an issue with it, and that was annoying as fuck.

Missing the point entirely, are we calling them dummies these days? That was very much frowned upon when mine were little, they were soothers.

Dummy has always been the prominent word for them across the UK. I’ve never come across anyone who used the term soother.

You are judging and your friends know that. Everyone who gives in to a dummy feels a failure.
My first had one and I was surprised to find my second completely uninterested.
It was only allowed in bed after a certain age and eventually given up willingly.
One of the easier parenting problems to worry about.

People complain about thumb sucking but it's a far better comforter than the dummy imo.

At least with the thumb, it has to be taken out of the mouth for playing. They can't suck it constantly. And at night the thumb is easy to find.

I sucked my thumb for years and can now dislocate it at will. I was adamant that my children would not ruin their thumbs as well 😅

We’re hoping she’ll be like her brother. He had one night where he was a bit upset at bedtime and then forgot all about his dummies.

She currently only has her dummy for sleep so doesn’t seem to remember it exists until bedtime. At the moment she keeps asking about her present so we’ll just have to see if the enthusiasm lasts 😆

Why do you even care?