DH and DS not getting along, DH anger towards DS

[RefereeMum]

Hello I’m after some advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation, whether this is resolvable or if separation is the only answer here. Will try to keep it short…
DH and I have 2 DC (1 and 4), I have DS12 from a previous relationship. DH and DS12 had a good relationship initially, got along well and enjoyed similar hobbies. Since having our younger children DH has spent less time with DS12 and there has become a bit of a divide in the household where DH spends a lot of time with the younger children lots of love and play where there is very little emotional warmth or time spend with DS12. DS12 does not have his DF in his life and has spoken about feeling rejected from. My DH since the younger children were born. DS12 is hitting puberty and his behaviour is becoming challenging recently (backchatting, refusal to do chores, moaning about being bored on family days out etc). DH has no patience in dealing with this behaviour and immediately becomes angry with DS12, he calls him names and refers to him as ‘your kid’ when talking me to about him. I am a gentle parent but I do agree that respect and discipline is very important. DH has become increasingly frustrated with DS12 and we are now at a point where DH barely speaks to DS12 and there is a constant atmosphere. Last night DH asked DS12 to come off his game as it was 10pm. DS came off but had a moan and stormed upstairs. DH yelled that he had had enough of the disrespect and slammed about the house saying he was leaving and shouting at me that I am a ‘ct’ and ‘f* the lot of you’. DS12 became upset and said that he feels targeted and treated differently by DH. I tried to speak to both DS12 and DH ro deescalate the situation but it made it work and DH become increasingly angry yelling that I have ruined his life and he does not want ‘his kids’ to be around ‘my kid’ anymore. He drove off in a huff and I have not heard from him since. He has form for a storming out when angry but refuses any family therapy or couples therapy, he always justifies his big emotional reactions by blaming me for not backing him or supporting him enough and says I always let DS12 get away with being disrespectful. I don’t but when DH reacts like this DS12 gets very upset and low mood for days after (he has adhd, asd and very sensitive to rejection).

Im going to be straight here.
If this man was actually a wonderful, intelligent, caring person, he would have done 5 seconds of research and found out that testing boundaries is normal and the way he is dealing with it isnt productive in the slightest.
He sounds just like my dad who once his small children were no longer compliant little kids who hung on his every word, he just tried to shout and berate us into doing as told. And we were not badly behaved kids. Its left me with issues and the only reasons they arent worse is because my parents separated.

This nan dies not love your son, everyone likes their temper but if he did he would be apologising, booking into parenting classes or buying books or asking you what approach to take, but instead he's being an abusive twat.
He WILL do this to your other children once they are old enough.
You need to document these instances and get away from him.

Your poor son. Therapy won’t resolve his abuse of either of you. This is so much more shocking than you seem to think. This is marriage ending. It’s your turn to protect your son from this emotional harm. You protect t your children from seeing how abusive men behave to women and protect yourself from abuse. This situation is only going to get worse. What a horrid man’s

Your DH is showing you and your DS who he is. Pay attention. Your DS is made to feel like an outsider in his own home, the place in which he should feel safest.

Growing up in this way is likely to be very damaging to your DS, and you should ask yourself whether you want your younger children growing up in this environment and thinking your DH’s behaviour represents normal health family dynamics.

A slightly different take on this. When did you, as a family do something that was focussed on your sons age? perhaps take him karting with a friend, all cheer him along, do something around his interests. It's very easy to focus on the majority age group. Your husband will return, (lots I could say on his behaviour but it has been mentioned up thread). Please ensure the next activity as a family is around DS interests

This is a depressingly familiar tale. Your dh is abusing your son and it will only get worse.
I agree with pp.

I think separation is the answer. Your husband sounds really immature. Shouting like that at all of you is abusive. I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this. Make sure your son feels heard by you.

I think you have to be quite blunt with your husband. Not 'dear' husband, because he isn't.

He's being abusive to your son. Either he sorts himself out or you're going to leave him. It isn't acceptable.

Teenagers can be arses. They don't all get that way, but a large % do. It's a normal developmental stage.

You need to leave him. He's abusing you. He's abusing your 12 year old and your joint children are witnessing this shit and being subjected to his abandonment. Your son is 12 and is behaving perfectly normally for a 12 year old child. Your husband is a grown man and has a absolutely no excuse for his behaviour.

ETA:I say leave gecause ges refusing therapy. Ultimately, he doesnt think he's doing anything wrong.

Your husband is a knob and this situation is deeply harmful for your son.
I don't envy your position at all as I think you are going to have to choose between them. Choose your son.

For your childrens sake do not let this angry man back into the house.

Honestly, the amount of similar stories on here, about men who clash with their teenage sons once the child starts to have their own opinions and not blindly believe their every word 😡 it's so pathetic.

This is really a concerningly strong reaction over quite mild and normal teenage behaviour. He's going to be struggling with his own children in 10 years' time...

Your husband is an abusive bully and you're allowing him to abuse your son.

You've let this situation develop and let down your poor son. You should have been protecting him all along but you have not.

Do right by your eldest son and get this horrible man out of his safe space before more damage is done. Remember you are the only parent he has to protect him so you need to step up.

I feel sorry for your DS12. Your husband is a bully and abusive towards your DS.

And hes now seen and heard him verbally abusing you. Another prince among fucking men.

Your son is being bullied by a grown man in his own home. It is not your son's fault you married you H, he had no choice in the matter.

I would divorce over this. Or once your son is old enough you will never see him again.

I would divorce my DH if he called me a cunt anyway.

Your husband chose to have your son, just the same as he chose to have your other children. He didn't have to, nobody made him, he chose to have your son in his life. He doesn't get to complain about it.

My eldest isn't DHs biological child. But he's his son, because he chose to join our family and I said from the start that under no circumstances would any of my children be treated differently to the others. He would never refer to our eldest as "your child".

He has form for a storming out when angry but refuses any family therapy or couples therapy, he always justifies his big emotional reactions by blaming me

Classic abusive behaviour, so classic it is listed on the various DA webpages.
Don't let your abuser return to the house and start protecting your son, separation is the only answer here.

Thank you everyone, my gut tells me this is never going to work. Felt torn because the younger children love their dad and I don’t want to break their family apart, but ultimately my DS12 mental health needs to take priority in this situation.

To answer PP question it is tricky to juggle and balance the time so that all children can enjoy different activities for their ages, as it is the summer holidays I have managed to put younger 2 in childcare some days so that I can have 1:1 time with DD12 and have taken him and his friend on days out eg Thorpe Park which he has enjoyed. Very difficult to balance everyone’s needs and emotions but DH is making things much harder. He has turned up this morning and is refusing to go to work today as ‘we have messed his head up’. Atmosphere is horrible I have told him he needs to leave until we can talk calmly

Apart from feeling stressed that DH has disappeared, how is today going? I think you need to check yourself for signs of relief, because this man is exhibiting deeply unpleasant behaviour.

You need to back your son here. For me, I think I would only let my husband come back if he committed to going on a teenage parenting course and doing some anger management training - your son’s behaviour is quite normal. He is no longer cute and compliant, but his brain is not fully formed and he requires sensitive (it is possible to be firm, set boundaries and be sensitive) parenting. Teenagers can be a total pain in the arse. Parents have to be adults and react appropriately.

Your younger children should not witness this. He needs to realise that, whatever fun dad stuff he does, the most important thing he does as a parent (aside from the very basics of keeping his children alive) is model how he reacts to things. You cannot be a good dad and react like this. It’s just not possible.

Thank you @renovationchoas that is helpful, I felt relief when he left but now feel on edge as he has returned and refusing to go to work. Atmosphere is heavy I have asked him to leave to calm down but very much ‘this is my house and you all caused me to feel like this’. I am getting ready and taking the children out for the day

Get rid of that awful man before he destroys your son's emotional well being, basically. What a dick

Cross post. Well done OP. I think your son is the priority - it’s your DH who is ruining family life, not you. Your middle child is old enough to witness this unplesantness and draw conclusions about love and affection being conditional and his father being volatile.

Well done OP for seeing things straight.

What is the situation with the house? Joint owned or rented?

You now need a plan to move forward.

Your poor son, can you imagine living in a house where your siblings dad does not want you there, and you know that he doesn't like you! To top it off, he has to hear him shouting at his mum and calling her a cu*t... Get rid of the POS

@ThisQuirkyHare we have a joint mortgage and I am on maternity leave. When I have asked him to leave previously to cool off during an argument he proposed it should be me leaving as I was the one who suggested it… it’s not going to be straightforward

Just a different take on things.

We have 3 children all are both ours but also one of them has ADHD and we find that one really tests us, a challenging child can be really hard on anyone and test the strongest marriage.
Deep down we love all of our children but when you have 2 easy kids who are placid and cooperative and one who is on the verge of destroying what’s left of your soul, your marriage and your patience it can be hard to be rational because no matter how burnt out you get or how depleted you feel, you are pushed and pushed, there is no road but to just keep on going even on empty even after you have broken.
I understand your husbands desire to just get in the car and go, I expect he just needed a break before he broke.

When I am feeling completely burnt out I need a break even just an hour on my own, go for a walk or lie down on the bed for a bit and Dh knows we both need to self recover occasionally and when I don’t get that opportunity I become angry and irritable and get worked up by every little thing until I snap because when I need a break I NEED a break but we have to communicate that because nobody is a mind reader so he needs to say I need to go out for a while and recharge and allow you to do the same so you have the strength to work as a team instead of venting and taking the exhaustion out on you.