Going from “gentle parent” to “angry parent” in the blink of an eye - need help!

[isthisaplum]

This could be a long one. There is a lot going on here this summer. DH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago. There’s been a lot of waiting and back and forth to the hospital for tests and appointments and usual routines are all out of sync.

I have been trying really hard to hold it all together but the children’s behaviour (specifically five year old ds although both have their moments - but it’s really my relationship with ds I’m most concerned about) has become more challenging which is understandable.

Ds is … jeez. I do love him and he has fantastic qualities but I do sometimes worry about how he relates to and around his friends. I was on a play date yesterday with three other little boys and I felt like a big proportion in the middle of the day was ds just whingeing at the others for not doing what he wanted them to do. They were one of those ride on cars and everyone had a turn but ds barely let anyone have a go - was standing over them instructing them on ‘it’s my turn next it’s my turn next’ so they couldn’t actually drive the car properly. I did intervene but I feel like I get so far with ds and he just fixates on one thing (in a whiny voice generally!( ‘but it’s my turrrrn it’s my turrrrn’) so then you sort of have to get a bit annoyed for him to listen. I did think we’d have to go yesterday but luckily that threat did the trick. (This is the thing; he can be lovely but I do worry this will affect friendships.)

I do know I’ve not had anything like enough quality time with him and I don’t know what to do about this, I obviously can’t have DH to have DD for a few hours.

He has started having toileting accidents and I did react with visible annoyance this morning which I feel awful for but I kind of feel like nearly six is just too old …. Then remind myself it’s probably trauma related and feel awful.

I do often feel overwhelmed by everything and then I also have DS shouting BONESHAKER at me constantly and it just puts my nerves on edge. I feel like increasing on the rare occasions we are home I’m giving him my tablet and sending him upstairs as I’m just finding him so much to deal with at the moment and keep getting annoyed and reacting to behaviour rather than managing it. If anyone has any help to offer I’d be grateful!

Honestly, apart from the tablet, everything you described is normal and fine in the circumstances. It’s a shit time.

It sounds like a really stressful time. Is the other child younger? Could you get some help from home start? You do need to follow through on the threats to leave though or else he will know you don't mean it because it is hard for you to leave a play session. Can you join a carers group for support, even if only online? Getting linked in to something means you know where the support is.

Why is he shouting?
Reward and bribe to get him to stop or send him to his room.
A whingy childs difficult to bare when stressed as it is
Ask him to use his words they used to say at daycare...
Is any family able to give you a weekend off and take him?
Perhaps take a book at bedtime or have a chat to him at a calm part of the day..can you spend a short time at a aprk or somethig to have a quality time and happy time together?
Gosh difficult times for you all.
He will wet himself as sometimes stress or they regress.
Encourage him to use the toielt...prompt and be prepared...as a child who peed my.pants often i was teased tormented & embarssed so please tread lightly
I had a kidney defect that took 40yrs to suss out.
Ask him whats going on or remind him...sticker chart.
Sometimes it is gopd to send them.off to gp on a devoxe to take a rest or so everyone can relax.
No rules in parenting.

It sounds like he is very anxious and confused about what is going on. It sounds like an awful, stressful time for you all and bad timing with the school holidays as he won’t even have the routine of school.

The behaviours you’ve described sound linked to anxiety. He is still very young, certainly five is not too old for toileting accidents, presumably he’s only been potty trained a few years? Toileting accidents can very much be linked to anxiety and stress. Trying to take control in play very much sounds like anxiety, standing over the car and reiterating it’s his turn next sounds like a way for him to feel in control. Anxiety stems from a feeling of not being in control and often fear of something unknown happening, he is trying to control the situation in play and ensure everything goes the way he expects because it is one of the few areas he is able to exert control and nothing else in his life right now is following the usual rules and routines. When your daily routines have broken down it’s not unusual to start putting strict rules in place where you can to help make things feel safe.

Your son is essentially feeling scared, anxious and confused but he is too young to put any of this into words or explain it and he probably doesn’t understand what is happening or why, he just knows everything is different at home. The only way he can express this and try and feel safe is through his behaviour.

I do appreciate none of this is your fault and you are likely feeling the same way, it must be an awful time for all of you. Do you have any friends or family who are able to help with things like appointments or general household stuff so you can spend more time with the children just doing simple things like playing or baking or watching a film together? It sounds like he just needs to feel loved and reassured that he is safe and things are okay (even though I appreciate they aren’t really).

I'm so sorry about your dh. There's a lot on your plate and your ds is not helping.

I also have DS shouting BONESHAKER at me constantly

That's not ok. I don't think any age is too young to learn some empathy. When he's in a listening mood, tell him "we are all finding it hard with Dad being poorly at the moment, so we've got to help each other. Your shouting at me makes me miserable and I don't deserve that when I'm trying really hard to take care of you all."

It is the opposite of Gentle Parenting and I'm sure many think it's awful, but when my kids are rude to me I try to make them feel remorse for it and it is effective. 5 is definitely not too young to understand your parents have feelings too, both my 2yo and nearly 6yo understand discussions like this and will go quiet and suddenly thank me for something I did earlier that day.

Does he know that his dad is ill?

@HushTheNoise i was prepared to leave if he didn’t stop haranguing his friends for want of a better word and to be fair he did stop then. I think going immediately home without giving them a chance to change is probably not best. Having said that everyone went inside at that point anyway so hard to know … he did play nicely though. This is the thing, when he’s in a good mood he’s a really lovely boy.

@MolkosTeenageAngst thanks. I do need to keep reminding myself it’s anxiety related but it’s been so frequent it’s frustrating.

@TrunkElliot he does but obviously doesn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation.

@Kingdomofsleep i don’t really understand - he’s just playing a game, he isn’t showing a lack of empathy but it’s so constant some days. It’s from monster trucks. ‘Mummy this is boneshaker - BOOOOONEshakerrrrrrr!’

I misunderstood, it sounded like he was playing up. Tell him you need him to be quiet as your nerves are on edge, just the same as you've told us. He can't know he's annoying you if you don't tell him.

Well, yes, if it was as simple as ‘ask child nicely to do something = child does it” I wouldn’t need to post!

That's not what I've said though, I've suggested you tell him how you're feeling.

Yes, thank you, that’s the telling them nicely

Your family has a lot going on. Do you have someone to vent to or macmillan helpline? Your ds is picking up on all the stress too.
So give all of you a break. Deep breaths and take things hour by hour. He is just being a kid.

Who is supporting you ? What help do you have? Can a charity support you? Even for talking emotional support?

Honestly the last thing I want to do is denigrate the good work a charity does but I haven’t had any support to speak of, I’m having to carry it alone.

The way I do it isn't nice at all, it's stern and bollocking and guilt-tripping.

Either he is empathetic and just playing (as per update), in which case you can tell him nicely "I don't like this noisy game, my nerves are on edge".

Or, as I thought from your description in the op, he's terrorising you with no empathy, in which case in your position I'd tell him pretty clearly that he's making your day even harder than it needs to be, when you've tried to give him a nice day and finish with "so after all that, do I deserve to be shouted at".

It is difficult when you are 5 to estimate how long a 'turn' has been on a coveted toy. As the adult, it is a good idea to say "You can each have a 3 minute turn", the first time and the a 5 minute turn next time so that it's fair" and set a timer on your phone, which takes you out of the direct line to 'turns' and you can say to the whingers "You need to go and play on the ......" until the timer says its your turn." I would even draw straws to say who has 1st/2nd/3rd turn.
I have no idea why your child shouts BONESHAKER at you, do you know what he means?
I am sorry your family is going through this, please ask for and use all the help you can get. Macmillan or your local hospice might be able to help you access respite childcare, if your family are unable to help you over the school holidays.
I guess that the weeing is stress-related, you are all bound to be stressed and that will manifest itself in different ways for you all. Frequent reminders to go for a wee might be all that he needs. I hope so for all your sakes.
When term starts, please do tell school about your situation, so that they can support you and your children, which they will want to do.

A child of 5 doesn’t need to know how mummy is feeling, they just need to behave. They need to be told in a very sunny tone of voice what is expected. And then praised, kissed, hugged consistently for doing it. Non-sunny, stern voice for not doing it.

Bossing his friends around is another one where he needs to be physically taken to one side and stern face, low voice command that he play nicely and that bossing people about it not kind (model and reflect back to him how he is currently behaving, how it might make other children feel, and what a nicer version would be).

He’s 5 and doesn’t yet know what the world is. He needs to have it spelled out, modelled and you need to show him facially and verbally when you are not happy with his behaviour.

If you do this consistently - he’ll soon learn what behaviour earns him praise and the easy life.

A child of 5 doesn’t need to know how mummy is feeling, they just need to behave. They need to be told in a very sunny tone of voice what is expected. And then praised, kissed, hugged consistently for doing it. Non-sunny, stern voice for not doing it.

I understand this model. I just disagree with it. I see it not working in many families. And I'm pretty sure op has tried it.

The shouting wouldn’t ordinarily bother me much. I’m bemused as to how shouting a monster truck name shows a lack of empathy, tbh. I don’t think many five year olds understand when you’ve just had enough of noise and shouting!

I think you'd be surprised what your son is capable of understanding, they can understand a lot at 5. They might not be able to guess when you've had enough but if you tell them, they understand what you're saying.

@Kingdomofsleep i guess what I need is how to show him more patience, kindness and understanding. Not how to shout at him. Unfortunately I’m well capable of shouting, upsetting and silencing him and it’s that I’m trying to put into something more constructive.

Is there a maggies centre you can drop in ? Or ask the cancer nurses if they can refer you to any local centre ir hospice suppirt there may be kids drop ins ?. Speak to your gp as well for support for you .
Maggie's | Everyone's home of cancer care https://share.google/rdCjYrXRcuSPPPcQd

The nearest one is Nottingham. We do have MacMillan but I don’t think that they really help with sort of parenting stuff.

OP I am sorry your family is going through this.

Your son may not fully understand what the diagnosis of his father means but he is, as children are very adept at doing, picking up on the stress that, understandably, is present. He doesn't have the sophistication of language to express his feelings fully so his anxiety is going out in behaviour and regression.

You are also under immense stress so trying to deal with your son and support your husband and your other children must be overwhelming. There is a saying that you can't pour from an empty jug, so you need to remember that you need help too.

Please reach out, as other posters have said, to whichever organisation operates in your area.

i think a 5 year old can learn empathy. If you say "Mummy is tired, we need quiet time" and "Mummy is tired, can you help put the plates on the table for dinner" then the kid should be able to respond and help.

sometimes it helps to exaggerate your feelings rather than hide them, to help him learn. So some ham-acting of 'I'm so tired, I need you to be helpful' can be more useful than feeling that you have to hide all your own emotions and never let anyone see that you are struggling.

You can't act tired all the time, but telling kids how you feel is not always a bad thing.

I think a lot of this will come from identifying, managing and regulating your own emotions. At five he is too young to independently regulate his and will need your support but that is very hard to do when you are dysregulated yourself.

Can you identify the times of day when it’s hardest to respond with patience, kindness and understanding? Is it first thing in the morning before you’ve had coffee? Is it just before bedtime when you’ve done a full day of parenting solo alongside managing DH’s needs? Is it when you’re on play dates/ around other parents and feel judged? If you can try and identify the flashpoints triggering your own deregulation it will be easier (although not necessarilly easy, I do appreciate you are under a huge amount of stress) to try and regulate yourself before you get to that point.

I would then look at how you plan your day, if you know that it’s hardest first thing in the morning then maybe you need to look at how you can build a morning routine that gives you some space to think and wake up, maybe this is the time to utilise the TV or an activity that needs minimal input from you. If it’s in the evening maybe this is the time to build in a walk or trip to the park where the kids can burn off energy and you can get some fresh air without having them incessantly chatting in your face. I get it’s hard for DH to watch the children to give you a break but would he be able to sit and watch a film or similar with them or even just a 20 minute episode of something a couple of times a day so you can get a few minutes to yourself, even if it’s just to drink a cup of tea in the garden without the children there?

I also think having somewhere to talk through your emotions will help you be able to regulate them so that you can stay calm in response to your son more often even whilst under an enormous amount of stress and pressure. I would certainly reach out to the various cancer charities and see if any can offer counselling or even support down the phone, just to offload some of the things you must be worrying about. I know talking about it isn’t going to solve things but even if it just makes things feel a fraction lighter and even if just for a few hours it will certainly help in terms of being able to manage parenting alongside everything you’re going through.