Going from “gentle parent” to “angry parent” in the blink of an eye - need help!

[isthisaplum]

This could be a long one. There is a lot going on here this summer. DH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks ago. There’s been a lot of waiting and back and forth to the hospital for tests and appointments and usual routines are all out of sync.

I have been trying really hard to hold it all together but the children’s behaviour (specifically five year old ds although both have their moments - but it’s really my relationship with ds I’m most concerned about) has become more challenging which is understandable.

Ds is … jeez. I do love him and he has fantastic qualities but I do sometimes worry about how he relates to and around his friends. I was on a play date yesterday with three other little boys and I felt like a big proportion in the middle of the day was ds just whingeing at the others for not doing what he wanted them to do. They were one of those ride on cars and everyone had a turn but ds barely let anyone have a go - was standing over them instructing them on ‘it’s my turn next it’s my turn next’ so they couldn’t actually drive the car properly. I did intervene but I feel like I get so far with ds and he just fixates on one thing (in a whiny voice generally!( ‘but it’s my turrrrn it’s my turrrrn’) so then you sort of have to get a bit annoyed for him to listen. I did think we’d have to go yesterday but luckily that threat did the trick. (This is the thing; he can be lovely but I do worry this will affect friendships.)

I do know I’ve not had anything like enough quality time with him and I don’t know what to do about this, I obviously can’t have DH to have DD for a few hours.

He has started having toileting accidents and I did react with visible annoyance this morning which I feel awful for but I kind of feel like nearly six is just too old …. Then remind myself it’s probably trauma related and feel awful.

I do often feel overwhelmed by everything and then I also have DS shouting BONESHAKER at me constantly and it just puts my nerves on edge. I feel like increasing on the rare occasions we are home I’m giving him my tablet and sending him upstairs as I’m just finding him so much to deal with at the moment and keep getting annoyed and reacting to behaviour rather than managing it. If anyone has any help to offer I’d be grateful!

Reach out to your gp and hv.
I dont think your parenting is at fault here - you just under stress. As is your dc.
Talk to school too when dc go back

Honestly OP, sometimes kids just need to be told.
I've not had to deal with what your family is right now,.so cant comment on that (hugs)
The shouting randomly at me throughout the day would drive me insane and would last less than a morning here.
Its really ok to set your comfort boundaries and be a 'NO' parents.
It really wont do them any harm. There were a LOT of things my kids were not allowed to do that other parents permitted and they were given firm boundaries on behaviour. They've turn out perfectly rounded teenagers and I honestly can't remember the last time I've had to 'tell them off' They don't remember me being particularly strick.
Being the 'No!' parents has paid off here, all this 'kind hands ' malarkey just doesn't cut it sometimes. A clear 'Stop hitting your brother in the face'* works just fine!

*insert undesirable behaviour here 😄

OP you are going through an incredibly tough time and I think you are being far too hard on yourself. Your DS is most likely picking up on all the tension and feeling unsettled. Don't beat yourself up about the screen time (it doesn't sound like it's that much anyway) if that's what you both need to get through the day right now.

Maybe instead of the tablet try putting something on the TV for him late afternoon and you both have a cuddle on the sofa while he watches it. Hopefully with something to watch he won't shout in your ear and it will be a low-demand, positive interaction between the two of you. Or even have him on the tablet next to you instead of upstairs on his own (does he have headphones? If not, now is a good time to try them)

@OneLimeDuck thanks. It’s hard to know exactly what I need though … it’s sort of the little things.

@MolkosTeenageAngst thank you. I’m out a lot with them at the moment and it’s often easier but I think ds is struggling with friendships at the moment. And that moment when we get in from the day out and I need to do dinner and DH is there and they are all over him is HARD!

I just need some really good quality one to one time with ds which is going to be difficult but I’ll have to try to find it when I can and where I can

Ds isn’t being intentionally horrible with shouting. He’s just talking a lot ‘mummy mummy this is my truck - BONE shaker.’ Nothing wrong but tiring when you have it all day.