Am i off my rocker for wanting to move family to SW France after struggling to settle in Ireland

[ThisCrazyCat]

Haven't been on Mumsnet since the crazy days of all night breast feeding..turning to you now to gather opinion.

Am i off my rocker for considering moving to France (specifically near Pau) with son who would be (11) and three older kids who would be at Uni/starting out in first jobs they will be 17, 20 & 22. We left britain 10 years ago to live in Ireland (i'm irish, dad is british), but the kids haven't settled well; the only one that has settled is the 18yr old who'll be off to uni if we move. When i say the kids haven't settled i mean it; we've had years of camhs with one, and one other had to go to a boarding school as he was being bullied so much in the local school. We live rurally and 11 yr old has next to no friends.

I hate the climate and perma darkness here and want a clean break. I speak medium french..DH and kids speak none, but can learn.

I would love to hear from anyone who took the plunge and emigrated, or even better if you emmigrated to France, and even better again if you emigrated to the SW France!

Depends what you mean by harder. The standards aren’t higher. Given the number of subjects in the bacc French students have usually less depth in each subject compared to A level. But it’s a much more ruthless and rigid system. Also SEN provision and children’s mental health is light years behind U.K.

You ideally want somewhere with digital nomad arrangements, France is unlikely to be friendly in this. If you are self employed with an Irish registered company, go get some specialist tax advice first. It could be very expensive for you.
Where will the university children live in term time? Are you funding their accommodation long term? Irish kids live at home for ages as accommodation is a nightmare, as Im sure you know.
International schools aren't nessesary a supportive place for challenging kids. They can pick and choose their pupils and extra support will cost you.
All very doable if you have loads of money! But tricky if not.

Not crazy at all. Ireland is essentially the same weather, culture and vibe as England, but much smaller, more parochial, fewer opportunities, requires a flight or boat to leave it, and loads of kids end up having to emigrate for work once they reach adulthood anyway

I thought Ireland was booming with tech companies etc so a big multicultural mix of people around Dublin.
And after the fires in the Med I wouldn’t go to that area.

Yeah thats just dublin though. Where housing is at London levels

Clearly you should change your current situation (and should have done sooner) but sorry this is a terrible idea. I moved to France years ago with my French husband, lots of local family, and it was still hugely challenging, add to that your son's age and schooling, it's just a terrible plan.

I also don't understand why you're so cavalier about your older children, they are not so old that they won't want to visit home for lengthy periods at times?

Prioritise your children now and figure out retirement later, two moves is not a big deal.

Given the OP said that she has to send her child to boarding school because the local school didn't work out she must be extremely rural. I live in a town of less than 10,000 people in Ireland and my children could have gone to any of 5 secondary schools. To be honest with a city half an hour away that goes up to probably 15 before you would have to even have to start considering boarding so I would imagine the OP is no where near Dublin or any sort of town or city.

I would suggest if anything they need to return to the UK. We have our faults but are more accepting of unusual / quirky people than almost anywhere else in Europe.

It’s rubbish moving to a country where you don’t speak the language as a child. I speak from experience. I’d lived in 4 countries by the time I was 11. It’s more isolating, not less so. Even in the US, where I spoke approximately the same language as everyone else!

Moving to somewhere less rural would probably help a lot.

The most important question I have is what are the two older ones doing career wise already? Whatever you do with the youngest the two older ones need to be supported to have skills and careers that allow financial and living independence. What are they doing currently. I can’t understand why they are factored into your desires now? Surely they will have friends, careers, social lives, own homes, relationships to build?

You’ve said only one of the older three settled, but that none would come with you. So you’d be leaving two insecure young adults on their own just as they begin to settle into careers, uni. Seems pretty cruel tbh.

It sounds like you’re trying to escape your troubles. Except troubles tend to come with you as they not really location based.

Tks for your feedback guys,

Wouldn't be leaving kids in ireland..! The older kids will all be at UK / Europe at Uni, and so will only be coming home for school holidays. So its a question of where home is. Older kids won't put down roots in ireland as the housing crisis is so severe that there will be nowhere for them to rent/buy; they could live at home of course but they've all said they want to go abroad to work.

We should of course have moved before, but things weren't too bad before covid and then covid happened and then #1 struggled with schooling, and #2 with mental health issues. Neither are necessarily because of moving..id say both might have had issues where ever we were..but covid definately made thinhs harder for them.

Appreciate all the feedback from people who've moved or have experience of living / working in france. You've given me a few extra things to think about..

We will continue to explore one move / two move options...

I disagree. I went through the French school system and education standards are much higher and more rigorous than in the UK. The baccalaureate is also much harder than the A level system.

I do agree that provision for SEN and mental health is woeful though.

I think your top priority should be finding somewhere that will work for your 11 year old as it sounds like he’s having a tough time right now. That is unlikely to be somewhere where he doesn’t even speak the language.

Your retirement dream needs to wait while you have dependent children.

The older 3 are adults yes, but barely. Where are your older 2 living right now? Where is your 18 yo at university? Do you think they may want to live with you for a few years while they save/find their feet - this is pretty normal these days. Even if they don’t want to live with you, would you not want them to be able to visit you/you visit them quite easily? Pau isn’t exactly super well connected.

I have a friend whose parents moved to rural France as soon as she turned 18 - like you it was their retirement dream and they thought she’d be fine as she was “an adult”. She felt pretty abandoned, couldn’t afford to visit them and has little contact with her parents now.

As pp have said your DH’s rights and status will be limited as he doesn’t have an EU passport.

I’ll also just say this: heatwaves and fires.

yes, we did, to SW France, then after a few years of struggle with bureaucracy, France Telecom, EDF, the poor educational facilities, lack of public transport,
electricity power cuts, water shut offs, the scorching summer heat, we couldn’t
return to England quick enough.

Unless they are in a manor city, France is no place for teenagers who need to
be in the company of their peers.

I do a French class, and many of my fellow students have been to live in France, in one case a whole three generations of one family went. I know so many people who went out there, and unless they were married to a French person, they all came back after a few years. My aunt and uncle managed the longest, 30 years, but now dementia has raised its ugly head and they have had to move back to be near their children.

Incidentally, even after all that time, and my uncle speaking fluent French, he never managed to get citizenship, and there are a lot of admin barriers if you aren't a citizen.

Agree with PPs, you are mad to consider this under these circumstances

Back to the Uk is probably the best option. Your budget will determine the location but small city/large towns as your children haven’t settled in a rural location.

Find the comment on the Leaving Certificate very misleading . Every year hundreds of secondary school kids do this and go to Uni in Ireland, UK, NI , Scotland etc. Don't know why you think it would be more difficult than doing exams anywhere else . Is there any reason that you think your 11 year old isn't capable. If so then wouldn't it be harder in France . The consensus here is that it is not a great idea but only you know the myriad of reasons why you want to do this . You as an EU citizen and DH as UK one are going to throw up more problems again .

I don't think it is a good idea- speaking a little French is not going to get you far, and DH doesn't speak any- what on earth are you going to do for an income?
Eleven is not a good age to be moved to a different school system and language- he would be on the downward salem to exams in just a couple of years - the chances he will learn enough language and roll with completely different exam and teach regime in time to get decent exam results is slight to say the least.
One of your sons has already had major struggles with mental health, another huge change is not going to help.
Ireland to Pau is a huge change, I suspect that you are driving this idea because you would like a warmer climate- I think you would find the 32 degrees they have got at the moment challenging, combined with the fact Southwestern France often has very hard winters, my Mum lived near Montpellier, their fast running river froze for most of one winter withe average temperatures well below freezing.

You say you are Irish and your husband is UK so I don’t understand whose “ family home” is in France. I don’t really understand the concept of a “family home” either unless you are one of the stately home aristocracy

So your kids didn’t settle and have friends in the rural community of Ireland so your answer is to move them to a rural community of France where they don’t speak the languages

Might I suggest central London

Living rurally is your issue imo

Yes you are off your rocker

It sounds like most of your kids don't like the current set up and will all be off as soon as possible, so you may as well move to France now, what difference would it make? Would you all be allowed to settle there though?

Looks like the older 2 need futher parenting / guidance / direction - looks like the move to Ireland cost those two the most. They need support to get a career / trade / skill so that they can live independently. It doesn’t seem they have reached that point - I would move somewhere for this to happen for a couple of years if they need this emotional and logistical support - if thats
UK, city in Ireland or even a large county town with training opportunities.