Can’t get over becoming a mum

[babyproblems]

I didn’t know where to post this but wondered if anyone else felt the same. I just don’t seem to be able to ‘get over’ becoming a parent; DS is 4.5 and I honestly thought my life would be ‘back on track’ by now but I’m still just struggling along! I know it’s the summer holidays so it’s intense but since he arrived I cannot get my body/career/social life back to a level I feel happy with. I took redundancy when he was about 18m and had some time ‘off’ doing a property renovation, and then I started my own business - which has been somewhat ok - but not as good as I’d like. If I’m honest I do most of the parenting (really nearly all) and that bothers me aswell; I feel our marriage isn’t as good as it was; so that aswell is something I am ‘working on’. That’s just it really - I have all these things which were really good / great pre baby and now they’re all ‘work in progress’ and I’m not happy with any of them! My parents tell me to let go a bit and appreciate what I have, I’ve always been quite driven and I find it really hard spinning all these plates as a mum. It makes me wish I’d never gotten married or had a baby tbh on the bad days. I have friends who are all having baby no2 and it makes me wonder how everyone else feels they get themselves ‘back’ so soon and ready to go again!! I am definitely not back. I feel really alone with it and wondered if anyone else felt the same or how you pulled yourself through if this was you a few years ago.
Thanks if you get this far!!

I'm not sure you ever get back to the person you were before. Becoming a parent changes you forever. There are definitely more worries, less time and lots more juggling! The trick is to find pockets of joy in amongst the madness - your parents are right, being a perfectionist is putting way too much pressure on yourself. Concentrate on things being 'good enough' not perfect - if you've got through the day and everyone is fed and safely tucked up in bed, count that as a win! If you've managed to tidy up a bit and do some work, you're smashing it. If not, it will still be there tomorrow!

Give yourself credit for all that you are achieving. Running your own business and bringing up a child is a lot. If your partner isn't pulling his weight, now's the time to sit him down and sort out a fairer division of labour. Don't make the mistake of doing everything because it's easier than having the difficult conversations (often, if necessary)

@whippersnapper55 Thankyou for responding!! I know you’re right but I can’t help but feel sad to ‘expect’ less or lower standards than I used to have or would like!
I feel like my standards have already dropped very low and much more would be a complete failure 🫠 I feel guilty for my son and DH aswell because it’s v clear to me now that I’m not cut out for two kids because i feel I’d be even ‘less good’ at everything than I am now; and I feel guilty now that I’ve put ds in the position of being an only child and DH would also like another. Which feels like yet another failure on my part!

I get the impression that your marriage is actually the problem, not your little boy.

If you had a more supportive husband you wouldn't be feeling like this.

Perhaps DH should pull his weight with the first one before he wants another!

You've made and nurtured a whole new human, so you're not going to be able to achieve exactly what you would have done before if you look at it logically. I'm sure in time you will find changes to what you accomplish.

With kids brings compromises

The thing is you’re not the same person you were. You have a child who needs your care and attention and you’ve not suddenly developed the ability to have more than 24 hours in a day, and you have other pulls on your capacity.

It’s not so much about lowering your standards as setting your priorities for the time and energy available to you. You simply can’t do everything you used to with another human in the mix. When you talk about “working on” things, what do you mean? I ask because all too often life becomes a series of pressures to worry about which then paralyses you and stops you taking action.

It sounds like you had a very full life before your child came along, so something has to give. What are your key priorities now and how have they changed.

If you’re doing it all on your own and dh isn’t really helping much it’s no wonder you feel like this. Your dh is the problem.

I think this is why I'm glad that the having it all myth is starting to die.

And guilt about those compromises.

But my thoughts (sorry the numbers are random)

1. Dad needs to be taking more responsibility if he wants to persuade you to give your son a sibling.

1. cousins can make up for siblings.

1. deciding on having a second child is complex. Things like how the pregnancy/birth progressed, how a second child will affect you financially, how many times you can bear singing the wheels on the bus in one day. Don’t let that guilt become part of the decision making

I think your DH has an absolute cheek to say he wants another while you're doing nearly all the parenting!

Parenthood is hard. Having 2 is way way harder in my experience. Lovely as well of course. I had to learn to lean into parenthood instead of fighting against it. That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy time out or to myself but instead of trying to lead my old life around the chaos, find enjoyment in playing with the kids, enjoy their interests - go with it a bit. And I accepted that there were some things I just couldn’t do for a while - like campaigning/political stuff I would have done before. So I go to the odd event once every 6 months but I just don’t do the rest even if I might like to.

Would you be happier with a job? The problem with your own business is that it’s all in your own time, slotted around childcare and it can also be quite lonely. I work 3 days a week - mostly from home - but even so I love that I have “my time” and it has to happen because I have a boss and expectations of me etc.

It’s totally normal to feel the way you do. Parenthood is overwhelming and takes all of you. That doesn’t suit us all but we can find the joy in it with some adjustment.

ps School can be a bit of an adjustment as well (talking here for parents not just kids - lots of WhatsApp messages, constant days off/special days/cosumtes etc) especially the first term so hold on tight - that gets easier too!!!

Your DH is the problem here. he needs to step up. all childcare and house stuff should be split in a way that gives you both equal downtime. You need to make a proper plan to how you share everything fairly. I find the concept of 'being over' being a mum very odd? You are a mum, that won't change - your life is different. but you need to be happy with it.
The cheek of him to want another kid when he's not pulling his weight....
you don't have to feel guilty if another child isn't what you want. Much worse to have 2nd child and regret it. It's too big a decision to not be 100% on.

"I have friends who are all having baby no2 and it makes me wonder how everyone else feels they get themselves ‘back’ so soon and ready to go again!! "
They haven't? In my experience it's the opposite - they're in the trenches so willing to just stay there... Or they've been more accepting of life as parents and willing to let things go./ limited social life/limited hobbies. And as you can probably tell, I am a very happy one and done mum...

Parenting changes your life and accepting that is what made the transition easier for both DH and I.

I wanted to be around when my children were young so I dropped my hours and we accepted that it would impede on my career progression and impact our family income.

We accepted that our time together as a couple would reduce and how our marriage might be affected by that. We accepted that we’d see less of our friends.

We accepted that our house would always be that little bit messier and chaotic.

I always knew that I probably wouldn’t fit into my size 10 jeans again for a very long time. I have never aimed to get my “old figure” back because after two c-sections and 6 years of breastfeeding it’s just not a realistic expectation.

All of this is just the natural consequences of having a child. It’s not about lowering your standards, it’s just about accepting that life has to change (and will change) and being happy with that.

As a poster said above, the myth that men/women can “Have it all” when children are on the scene is so unrealistic. A lot of sacrifices have to be made when the decision is made to have children and striving for life to go back to how it was pre-children is pretty much pointless in most cases.

How can life ever go back to how it was before you had a child when now you do?

Just one kid, age 4.5, it shouldn't be this hard anymore.

Sounds like your business not being great and your DH are the real problems but because your DS take so much energy, you aren't fixing them.

Pack in the business, build a career.

Definitely don't have a second child, it's a million times harder with 2.

I think you need to start challenging this idea of “getting back on track” or “back to the same person pre-baby,” and start moving towards acceptance of your new identity and life. It’s an adjustment. I feel that constantly comparing your life to how it was previously isn’t helping you. It sounds like you’ve a lot to feel unhappy about ie marriage potentially but equally a lot to feel happy and grateful for. I wonder if you’re able to recognise some of the good in your life too?

I have 2 kids. 3 year age gap. I didn’t feel back on track it was more a case of if we don’t do this now will we ever? I think a lot of people are like that so get it out of your head that all these people have it sorted.

Definitely felt a shift when youngest started school and things started to feel less manic but it was still endless juggling. Eldest just starting secondary and youngest in juniors and it’s still exhausting at times but in a different way. Have a frank chat with husband. Don’t compare yourself to others though for all you know they’re absolutely miserable

I think this is less about being a mum and more about the split of parenting to be honest.

When you and DH are both at home things should be split equally (the parenting, the cooking, the tidying up, the cleaning).

Do you get out much without your DS? See friends in the evening / at weekends / go to the gym/whatever activities you are interested in? And I don’t mean that you go out and when you get back all the dirty dishes etc have been left for you to sort out and the house is chaos.

I’m assuming you work from home if you have a small business.. do you get much company from other adults? This is something I miss, working from home. Is going back to being employed an option?

Do you and your DH have an equal split of leisure time?

These are all questions that you should ask yourself and think about whether you are happy with the answer.

As a comparison, I have a 5yo and 2yo and have just been on a solo holiday for 5 days with friends. DH was fine with the kids while I was away.

Just to add… it’s never going to be perfect or totally back on track. But I think with just one it should start to feel easier and manageable at this age if your DH is pulling his weight.

I mean I don't think you should feel bad about not wanting another when it sounds like your DH isn't even pulling his weight with the first.

He needs to step up and show that he can support his existing family before even considering making it any bigger.

Also though, there is nothing wrong with having an only child.

I agree with PP's who've said that it's unrealistic to expect to be able to do all the things you used to do when you're doing 98% of all the parenting.

You managed to do all those things pre- parenthood because they were your primary focus. That time has passed, as you are now a parent, so you need to have more realistic expectations for yourself going forwards?

1. You need to devote more of your time & energy into your business than you can at the moment, therefore someone else has to pick up those parenting tasks you need to drop. Your H needs to be told exactly how you need him to be more involved with parenting your DC. e.g He does all breakfast, dressed & dropped at school or he does school pick up, supper, bath & bed.
2. Your DH also needs to pick up 50% of household tasks i.e cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping etc

Once you have solved the 50/50 with DH, THEN you can devise a plan to get your business going the way you want it to and have the time to devote to sorting your exercise routine etc to get back into shape )though you'll never get back your pre-birth body, you will be able to improve what you're currently unhappy with).

Trying to be who you were before simply isn't possible, your DC won't disappear, but being happy with who you are able to be with 50% co-operation from your DH is definitely achievable.

Of course he wants another ... the first kid hasn't really affected his life that much has it if he's doing very little parenting.

This is the thing that needs to change OP, the rest might follow. You must be full of resentment, I know I would be.

What is your business and do you do it from home?

I find WFH can be really difficult for some people.

I need to have that separation of home and work. It makes me appreciate home life more.
I like going into work and being needed, seeing my colleagues, problem solving etc

I think it’s really important to have an identity outside of the home and not just be someone’s mum or wife.

You need to speak to your DH about the equality situation too.
He is just as much of a parent as you are and the only way you should do more parenting is if you work less hours.
Evenings and weekends parenting and housework should be 50/50.

Children are hard work and I tell my adult DDs to make sure they really really want them before going ahead. It's not for everyone, particularly if you don't have much support, which it sounds like you don't.

I'm late 50s and a lot of my friends look back with rose tinted glasses I think ... saying how wonderful those years were. They were bloody hard, yes there were obv fabulous moments and memories but also a lot of slog.

One of my DDs friends was round here talking about her childhood and her parents relationship being volatile when she was young, lots of arguments, yet now they've got an empty nest they get on like a house on fire 😄

I wasn't surprised at all and told her so.

Being a mum is a tough gig. Your life revolves around your child/children. I spent most my late early/mid 20s travelling in between popping home to work some more to be able to afford to go off travelling again. As soon as kids came along my career stopped as I took redundancy when ds was 18 months old. Was bored with being a sahm so got a part time job, had son no2 4.5 years later will working p/t. Money was tight, moving house, husband climbing career ladder, trying to afford one nice holiday a year. It’s bloody hard work but it’s so rewarding when you see your children grow into lovely young teens and adults. My eldest is 18 and youngest 14. We’re finally at a point where money isn’t tight, hubby is at the peak of his career. I still work part time for nhs but run the home and all of life’s admin and we’re finally back on our travels around Asia with our boys loving the things me and hubby did together when we were younger. Having young kids can feel like you’re in the trenches or of the time but as time passes life changes and evolves. I think no matter what you still need to make small amounts of time to do things just for you. It’s not been selfish, it’s self care. You’ve got this

Also, I note that in unequal marriages like yours, the 2nd child tends to put such immense pressure, and it will lead to divorce. Men who didn't have to do much before, suddenly have to pick up the slack as you're busy with the baby. They hate it, they resent you, they throw it all back at you, you start hating them, then it's all over. It's happened to a lot of couples around me. If you want to keep the family together for DS' sake, I would urge you to not consider having another child.