Can’t get over becoming a mum

[babyproblems]

I didn’t know where to post this but wondered if anyone else felt the same. I just don’t seem to be able to ‘get over’ becoming a parent; DS is 4.5 and I honestly thought my life would be ‘back on track’ by now but I’m still just struggling along! I know it’s the summer holidays so it’s intense but since he arrived I cannot get my body/career/social life back to a level I feel happy with. I took redundancy when he was about 18m and had some time ‘off’ doing a property renovation, and then I started my own business - which has been somewhat ok - but not as good as I’d like. If I’m honest I do most of the parenting (really nearly all) and that bothers me aswell; I feel our marriage isn’t as good as it was; so that aswell is something I am ‘working on’. That’s just it really - I have all these things which were really good / great pre baby and now they’re all ‘work in progress’ and I’m not happy with any of them! My parents tell me to let go a bit and appreciate what I have, I’ve always been quite driven and I find it really hard spinning all these plates as a mum. It makes me wish I’d never gotten married or had a baby tbh on the bad days. I have friends who are all having baby no2 and it makes me wonder how everyone else feels they get themselves ‘back’ so soon and ready to go again!! I am definitely not back. I feel really alone with it and wondered if anyone else felt the same or how you pulled yourself through if this was you a few years ago.
Thanks if you get this far!!

As they say on MN, you have a DH problem. As someone with a very supportive DH I also struggled at first, but by 4.5 things were gently fitting in.
Things will look different: our holidays were different, you don't spontaneously head out for dinner etc. Down time is limited. So those are things you have to make peace with.
I found it helped when I got them involved in my hobbies or things I liked doing. Whether its craft, or long walks (or in my case watching sport), this really helped as they grew older.
You also need to mark out time for yourself.

Your husband doesn't parent his child but 'wants' another kid? Has he explained how that makes any sense?

Having a kid doesn't seem like an easy, peaceful life for women, in general terms.

Start telling Dh to do things with his son. That can be anything from getting him dressed in the morning, really it should be supervising because he will be going to school in September.

Making breakfast, make lunch and on a weekend you get a lovely lie in on one day and he gets the other. As the weather is good he should take his son out and parent him. You need to sort this now before contempt kicks in. Of course he wants another child because his life hasn't really changed.

Maybe he rolls out of bed at a set time and just gets himself ready for work but he is now a Dad and his day is no longer his own. He can get up earlier and be present before work.

You could be ill and end up in hospital tonight and he would have to do everything you do now. You had to learn it all and now he can do the same.

Sadly you have to understand that you cannot go back to who you were before as you have changed but you have changed over the years anyway, you are not the 16 girl you once were either. Your life would be easier if you had a hands on partner, so make him one. Don't ask, tell, you words to express the behaviour you want to see. I am off for a shower, get Ds breakfast. He is his Dad not a babysitter.

It's quite common in my experience. Men want the status, the perfect family, a play mate they can show off at football or whatever. They don't HAVE to do any of the parenting really, women are always there to pick up the pieces so many men just opt out of it. They promise the world before kids come along and then fuck off.

Give it about 30 years. Provided you don’t end up being a martyr to grandparenting, that’s about how long it will be before you can achieve something that approximates to pre-parenting life.

Wow was not expecting so many responses so thank you to everyone for responding.
I have to say this struck a chord as I do definitely have a habit of not appreciating anything positive and I have stupid standards that I have always struggled with. So many here saying it’s an acceptance of the changes but I honestly don’t want to accept things that I feel aren’t good enough and I don’t really know how to do that and still be happy?! Many say it’s futile but for me one huge thing is staying / keeping in shape - I actually had a c section and this caused me a back injury which made me see staying in shape as even more important- I resent that I have to work so hard to achieve that now; both in terms of ‘effort’ but also finding the time etc. My business is very closely related to my previous career; DH also has a business which has been successful so he is often working and travels which makes ‘equal’ parenting impossible to be honest unless we cut out time ‘all together’ and I have that time to myself. I suppose I just feel resentment and then guilt (towards everyone) for all the things I can’t do brilliantly anymore for all the different reasons that come with being a mum

I’m sorry to be blunt and I mean well, but you can’t have it all I’m afraid.

Also, if you aren’t happy with your partner and it not feeling equal, you really need to speak to him and make some changes so you can get some time back..

Get a good babysitter. Find a good one and pay her lots, a lot more than what they charge. Ours is worth her weight in gold. Our sons love her, I can go out, spa days, dinners with friends etc. Once a month we have her on Saturday morning so me and DH can have a leisurely morning.

I know everyone will say (and I have said upthread) that you have a DH problem. And you do. But you can't change him. And if time is your main issue then buy it. Find other ways to make your life easier, pay for help.

I’m a bit further down the line - eldest just turned 9.

There is no getting back on track. You have to locate the new track you want and divert to it.

Therapy has helped me immensely.

Re: staying in shape. How old are you? Are your goals realistic?

I think they’re realistic; I’m 38. I used to run 5-10km a week, gym 2/3 times. I’ve never got back to that - time poor, tired, I am managing gym once a week and one run; plus I’m still having physio for the back injury twice a week. I was 55kg pre baby, 90kg when 9mo pregnant and I’m back to about 62kg now - I was absolutely huge during pregnancy, I’m definitely not ok with accepting how I am now as ‘forever’ and it feels really important to me to get my body and movement / fitness back to the same as before. So I berate myself quite a lot for that. But I suppose I am making slow progress and I hope I’ll improve more over time

thanks to everyone’s comments; I hear you on the DH thing and will reflect on how I can improve that. And it’s reassuring to know that im not alone in feeling as I do!!! I sort of thought (naively it seems) that everyone else gets past the baby part and feels back on their (old) feet!!

Oh no, not on my “old feet” at all. I’ve had to change how I work, how I keep fitness levels where I’m happy with them, how I manage the house and my kids are teenagers now.

What that many for me was accepting that my 6.00am swim wouldn’t happen but I could carve out time in my day for a weights routine. I work from home for a very flexible employer, sometimes work happens at very odd times bit it all gets done. I’ve massively decluttered the house so it’s easier to keep up with and I have a cleaner.

The most important bit though is my DH is my backstop. He picks up the things I can’t, will flex to do the school run, get the kids up and out if I need to be away, does at least 50% of cooking and cleaning.

While your DH works away, I’m sure he’s home enough to pick up the slack, which he needs to do. None of this tired from travelling, can’t possibly take a day when the kids are ill nonsense. If you weren’t there he’d need to find a way.

Your child has two parents, you both need to keep things covered, his big job doesn’t excuse him from parenting and no, is not be having a second child until he properly parents the one he’s got.